The road is good.
Spoke with my mum on Sunday… and it’s made my week. It’s funny that aged 31 that I finally have the relationship with my mum that she always dreamed of… my grandad was apparently a tyrant who wanted to stop his beautiful daughters from chasing boys. Why? Because rakes don’t make the best husbands. He was a rake. So he knew what rakes where thinking… he had 2 kids out of wedlock whilst knowing how messed up that was. Why? Because he was born out of wedlock in a time when that mattered in your life chances. So in true generational curse style, he passed that down to my mum the mistakes his parents had having him and I learnt via osmosis not to have kids before marriage.
But anyway… I finally decided to open up… About Jake. And it was rather wonderful. Completely unexpected. I sat myself down and regailed my mum on my trip to Paris (more on that later)friendship… and that’s how we got to talk about Jake I really can’t describe how good it was…She listened and she got it… like immediately. She understood. And it was so good to tell her about someone I loved. I always thought talking to my mum about boys would be awful. But she understood the depth of feelings. She cared. She thought it was beautiful. I told her how I really felt and that was the first person I could talk to about the whole thing. It was a moment of profound joy. I relived the feelings I told her the deepest and most important part of the whole experience. Something I hadn’t really said to anyone else before. I said the words.
“ with him… I knew that the road would be good… not easy…good
” That was the wonderful feeling I had with him. It’s not knowing what country I will live in in 2040, but knowing that with Joe that I would be still laughing like a schoolgirl. Not aging, a life and peace. How many people know that with the love of their life that “ the road would be good?” That certainty that bills would be paid, love would be made and joy would be plentiful. How many people know that in their souls? How do you get that feeling. What is “the road?” Life I guess. So when I said the road would be good, I need you to understand the fundamental paradym shift of that statement involved in terms of mindset. My road will be good. Because of Joe, that means that I have a road… The idea of living to the next decade milestone has not always been a certainty for me. So instead. I have a road ahead of me. Which means I have time. Time to luxuriate. Time to learn. Time to grow. And a person to learn from and to grow with. That was never a certainty either. I used to feel like I would settle for a man who just simply didn’t disgust me. Now in front of me I had a man who set my heart ablaze. All of a sudden all the songs made sense. My 5 senses made sense. My nose was made to smell him. Ears to listen to him, mouth to taste, eyes to behold, hands made to touch him. I understood why men’s voices break during puberty… a man’s deep voice is in fact… Witchcraft. It’s enchanting. Its seduction… I remember a greeting that wasn’t even aimed at me. But the road is good. The road has always meant to be good. I lost sight of that. I am meant to have everything that I’ve always wanted. My husband is meant to bring me joy. Be the person I seek out in a crowd. Be the person I am magnetically drawn to.
My road is meant to be good. FIlled with “Pastime with good company” Filled with books, and knowledge transfers and art and poetry and beauty and children. I am meant to be a wife, I am meant to be mother, I am meant to be a gentlelady of wisdom. The road is good. I’m not meant to be struggling all my life for the small crumbs of a smile.
The road is good. The road is adventures in South America with Spanish and Portuguese , Adventures in Africa with English and French, Adventures in the middle east with Arabic, Adventures in Europe with German. Adventures in Asia with Mandarin and Japanese. with planning our breathless future together, a home full of joy and welcome. Cooking together, looking after one another fully. Being willing to try. A community, a family. A future worth fighting for. Something to make your heart sing and hold your loved ones close to your chest. A good road, not a perfect one. One that still contains arguments, pettiness, and faults in our stars, but yet the road is still good. Why shouldn’t life be everything you’ve ever dreamed of? Why shouldn’t you be perfectly, blissfully happy? Why shouldn’t you have someone hold space for you while you work on yourself? Why shouldn’t you not know what kind of person you’ll be in 10 years, only the person you’ll be with? Why can’t the girl get the guy? Why can’t the road just be good? Isn’t that what everyone wants for you? So why is it when you see it and you want it and you ask for it, you are being told you want too much?
When is a crush not a crush? When is it a love story? When is it an obsession? When is the good road that you dreamed of turned bad because of that same person? When are you not okay? I don’t think I’ll feel like this again. I’m not meant to. I now know what I want. I don’t want to be fed lies. I don’t want to be fed poison. I want reality. I want a good road, with a wonderful husband, and a bushel of happy, healthy children with their mother’s wild spirit and sense of adventure.
That’s what I want.
I want the road to be good.
And if I can’t travel the road with him. I will travel it alone.
For now.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother Smith