Healing looks like this

Its now a time to take a look at how much I have grown in 2023. Its the 1st of May by the way. I’ve grown like a bamboo stick in 4 months.

I have grown up more in 2023, harder, deeper, than I have ever grown in my life. I have become at peace. At last.

I have stood up for myself, not just once, but every single time. I am depressed and disassociated as a consequence, but that brings me to my next point

I have stayed true to a core belief of mine. “ I believe in consequences.” Here I stand. Bold as brass. Not whispering it, stating it boldly with conviction. I believe in consequences…. for everyone. I’m not a victim, or a punchbag so if you assault me in any way, just know that the police will be involved. I will not roll over and take anyone’s shit. I’ve enforced that boundary with quite literally everyone.

I have had to choose me. Actively, affirming it in actions because darlings, nothing else counts.

I know that hard times don’t last. I know that love is around the corner. My dream life is so close, its only a few months away. I don’t know how it will happen.

I have learnt how I love. One of the most important lessons ever. If you don’t know what makes you feel alive, you will forever be comatose. So 2 years ago, 1 year ago I dreamt of a happy life, but I didn’t know what that was like, so actually I was looking for a less/non abusive version of my ex husband. I wasn’t actually looking to be happy. I was looking to put myself in a box so I could be sold like a horse. I now know what love felt like, what that looked like, what it sounded like, tasted like, smelt like. Now I know with my 5 senses what that is… and I know the deep romance I see life. screw rose tinted glasses, I require dozens and dozens of roses, daily… I require such deep loving that only a real man, a true man in the sense of the word can step up to the plate. And I’m glad I waited because I know he’s worth it.

I have peace with a lot of my past. “Burn it all” led to some serious introspection. I really had to think hard as to why I was so willing to destroy everyone, become a genocidal manic to protect myself. Black men are not inherently evil, they are my cousins, acquaintances. There will be no more than that. I have apathy, not hatred now. Ditto with my ex. Some things triggered me and made me think of bad times. I have, finally accepted what was, and don’t really care what happens next. I don’t need to control the narrative, because that means that there is a narrative, and that story is over.

I have taken back my power. I didn’t know how much I had given up, until a friend gave me a brilliant lesson. Not to give anyone any power over you. Not to listen to anyone over yourself. Everything is healthy.

There are no bad emotions, everything is a lesson. You wanted to burn down an entire nation to protect yourself from “black people problems?” Lesson. You hate drama and are still healing. Someone hurt you and you wanted to make them pay? Lesson. You have had your boundaries crossed too often. You need to stand up for yourself more often and more firmly so it is unequivical that you will not have boundaries crossed.

You have accepted something into your soul. Beauty, love, the sweet inner knowledge that you absolutely get what you want. Your family and the fact that you will have a love that will set your heart on fire, a love that will be so unspeakably different to the other “loves” you have witnessed before, that you will barely be able to count your blessings everyday, thats how numerous they’ll be. You can and will have everything you want. The man, the children, the business, the intelligence. All of it will be yours without a shadow of a doubt. Because you have accepted it as true, within your soul. I can’t really explain it in any other way. I just know that there was a time when I just accepted it into my nervous system. So there is no talk of “I won’t get into a relationship…” because that’s as ludicrous as “the sun will fall out of the sky and land on me personally” This summer will bear witness to the fact that my dream life is around the corner. He will arrive this summer. I’m so glad I have taken every piece of action I have done this year. Without it, I wouldn’t have something so blissful like I have now. Peace, the deepest. my thoughts can’t hurt me anymore, so now I’m ready to accept real love. I even know what to look for. I have done about 70% of the work, now I am going to meet my husband who will help me complete the rest of the work, over the rest of my life.

You can love someone and let them rest. Not go. Probably the hardest lesson. That I, didn’t get what I wanted. I’m a woman who always gets what I want. Always. Absolutely 100% of the time. Except this one. And maybe there were reasons, maybe there aren’t. it doesn’t matter, the point is to let him rest. not go. Because why would you want to let go of beautiful memories? Best not to cling to them, but if you feel them and they fill you with happiness, then let that feeling fill you. Then when the feeling is over, it is over. Don’t seek it, but enjoy what you have. Be grateful.

Accepting that you have faults and sometimes you are the villan. I have had to fight the need to be universally liked and understood. I don’t need that now, and my behaviour is radically dfiferent as a result.

Christianity is a faith, not a theatre show. God keeps forgiving me, I have a deep knowledge he is with me in my current trials, and even though I haven’t been to church since March (including Easter weekend when I was on holiday) and I dislike being “preached at” I don’t mind “gentle suggestions,” but when your ministry becomes about your ego and not my healing then imma head out.

Keeping up with the Jones’ means you are thinking about what other people have and not what you have. Mind your business, tend to your own yard. Comparision is the thief of joy and the only serves someone else. Because when you feel inferior you act inferior and that makes them feel superior.

Someone wronged you so you want to do what they did but better, that’s ego and the ability to recognise when your ego is triggered is important. I actually do want to change the world, but I need to do this when I have settled down and am able to do things from a place of love. Not rage or hatred.

Depression is real, for you its chronic, and you may well have to live with it for the rest of your life. The cute idea that I will get into a relationship, get married and then never get depressed, is dumb. My husband will be informed of my condition, and we’ll deal with it together, anything else is incredibly dishonest.

You have a wild, romantic soul. I have unlocked a part of myself. Its like I lived in black and white and I realised I can and need to live in colour. I demand passion, I demand safety. I demand respect. I demand adventure, and healing and hard work and laughter. I demand a good life. I demand a life filled with honest living and simple pleasures. I cannot live without it. No point in living a half life and there’s no point not being loved for my whole self. My whole self is romantic, wants to be courted, treated with kindness, laughed with not at. My whole self wants to be an obsession, a muse, secret smiles and a man that is the secret reason I smile. I have always been this way, always been this demanding and the truth is, I used to look for this in a dysfunctional way. Now I realise this I am fully functional, I just haven’t had my needs met. Don’t put petrol in a diesel engine and wonder why your engine catches fire.

There is no one to change but self. There is no one to blame but self. Accepting, truly and deeply within my consciousness that all my decsions to date make up my current life. I have always believeed this to be true after 25 and at 31 I have really walked my talk. I know I have everything I did want. Now I want more. And that is the nature of life. You’ll always want more.

There is no plan for me. Just existing. Why? Because everything that was meant to kill me has failed and so I now know that the universe has no more bullets left in their arsenal. They’re fucked. They’re out of ammo and they know it and I know it. Nothing you can do can phase me. I’m at complete peace within my head. It may be the disassociation, and it doesn’t mean I will never be able to feel pain again. I just know my new destiny is going to involve ascension. I will be lifted higher than I was ever brought low. So there you go. Going with the flow, because I know that with this man I’m about to meet, that the road will be good. We’re climbing mountains for the views, not to get away from predators and that’s an important distinction.

There is no such thing as a perfect victim. Something I have been tormenting myself with recently was that in some aspects of my life, I was not “the perfect victim” that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t the victim, it doesn’t mean that it excuses or negates someone’s behaviour towards me. Society teaches you the only rape victims are those who get assulted on the street whilst wearing a turtleneck and a maxiskirt. If you aren’t that woman, you aren’t a victim because in some way shape or form you were “asking for it” You aren’t. That’s excuses the patriarchy give you to justify their behaviour. Doesn’t make it true.

Perception is truth. And no matter how good you are, you will never be good enough for someone who doesn’t want you. Don’t worry, leave. You will find better and they will find worse and you will both get to be happy. If someone says you are too much. Brilliant, let them choke on you. But don’t make yourself small.

Life is beautiful. There are sunrises, sunsets, ancient history, beautiful eyes, nights to remember and views you won’t forget. Life is about the giggles, the heart soaring moments, authenticity and packing as many of those moments into 5500 weeks. If you, like me have been through years, or even decades of lack in this area, do not fear, we all have our own portion, it is just not necessarily evenly spread. This may be your season to cry, so cry. But know that your season to laugh, to be abundant and to feel peace is coming. So even when the sorrows hit you at night, and believe me, they swing low at night…know in your heart that joy comes in the morning, I stole that off a Bible verse, the verse is " Psalm 30:5

“Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

and just like the lion king song, “Endless night” depression will not take up your entire life.

“I know that the night must end, and that the sun will rise… I know that the clouds must clear…and that the sun will shine. And I'll hear your voice deep inside”

If you listen this piece of music you’ll know it starts off as a whsiper, gently coming to a cresendo, its one of the “heart soaring” songs. Also, the lines before is “one word, just a word will do…to end this nightmare…” and that is where I am in this story. “One word just a word will do… to end this nightmare…” and that word is… “Peace.” So remember, please remember, that the sun…will rise… and so will you.

There is no going back. Only forward. End of story… To all those women trying to “Manifest their ex” for the love of God…don’t. Let that madness go. Don’t discuss it. Its over. Remember the good times, don’t villanise the person. But that relationship is over and you can’t go back. Because post heartbreak, you aren’t the same person as before, and so you can’t break a vase and then put the pieces together to put more flowers in, you have to accept that that vase will leak… because somethings, when their broken don’t go back to the same state as before.

I am a villian. And that is okay. As long as I am conscious of it and I don’t use it as an excuse to become a tyrant, or a plaugue on humanity. Revenge is a state of mind, and its when you hold evil in your heart. And you may be doing all the right things… but if you’re doing them for the wrong reasons, you are still wrong. Best not to try and appear righteous, because the need to be righteous can lead to some messed up decisions. Once again. that’s ego. and that’s where the sin is.

I need to heal my inner child. I’m going to Paris on Friday in order to achieve this.

I don’t value money. I value people. When I die, write the amount of money in my bank account on my date of death on my tombstone if its so important. Oh, it isn’t? Then go suck it. You’ll instead write, “

wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt. friend” I have money on that.

Death is a constant companion, and if you treat it will the reverence and finality it deserves it allows you to understand the fullness of life. Only when you knew your heart would stop beating, do you understand the beauty of a friendly smile. Or the joy of someone thinking of you and reaching out. Or a hug. You never take anything for granted. Its not a bad thing, when you understand the veil between life and death is paper thin… it humbles you. And a humble life is a life well lived.

I’m a provider and I hate it. My natural state is receiver, and I until recently didn’t understand how that worked. I was so good at providing for myself, and making myself okay, that I didn’t realise I hated it. Because you’re so used to it. Doesn’t mean that you should accept it. I actually don’t require very much. I’m very sentimental. But I shouldn’t rob myself of the little I require, because making a request of someone for love and affection isn’t automatically wrong and if you have ever felt like this. You. Are. Not. A. Burden. End of discussion.

Watch how people react. Judge people’s emotional readiness to deal with you. That is the difference between a good interaction and a bad one. When someone shows you who they are… believe them, and act accordingly. Not everyone has the right to sit at your table, its your table, tell some people who are freeloading on your emotional energy to get up and leave. Also, some people don’t deserve the place of honour. They can go sit on the kiddy table. It doesn’t mean that you don’t keep them around… but never let someone overstep their place in your life.

Know your coping strategies. Mine include writing, reading, crotchet, sewing, walking, dancing, lighting candles, skincare, learning new things.

Know that very few people will love you with the same depth as you love them. That’s okay. Not all people are your people, you aren’t Tesco. Do you know how many dusty feet march through the average Tesco everyday? And they bend themselves backwards trying to please everyone with a “finest” range and a “value” range. You aren’t a supermarket. You are a bespoke store. You need only one person to spend £5000 on your art a month for your bills to be paid. Cultivate that one person, not the 60 odd people who come to look around. or the 5 people who came to steal.

We all tell ourselves stories. Recently I have been listening to some old school rap. “Mo Money Mo Problems,” “99 problems” and “pop ya collar” why? Because their upbeat, they tell a story of a rags to riches story, and I have had a rags to riches story. I’m financially independent, I have more money now than my parents did combined raising me, and I was raised honestly. So I tell myself stories like “My husband is just around the corner. I’ll meet him this summer” “You are fertile, you will have all the children you desire” “Money flows abundantly towards you, without harming anyone else.”

Do things that make you feel alive. I’ve been to the theatre, the opera, Seen “To Kill a Mockingbird” “Mamma Mia” in the theatres. Been to a spa, “Dinosnores” at the natural history museum (that was a present) seen “Rhinegold” in the opera, as well as “Akahnaten” which I have wanted to see since 2018 when it last came along. All these things I have done this year… all of them besides Dinosnoars I have made happen myself.

This year I will see, “Lehman brothers” “Caberet” “We will rock you” go Jet skiing, skydiving and youth hostelling. As a minimum.

Why? It makes me feel alive. I love high culture and low. I love equally a good book and my bed as much as I love the opera, I have an adventurous soul, and I love things like zip lining, hiking, free spirited living and soaking myself in a culture. That’s why languages are so important. How else can you appreciate a culture fully when you can’t understand what they’re saying? As an accountant, you don’t buy a business before kicking the tyres a bit. Its called “due dilligence” there’s no substititute for it. Of course you can “fuck around and find out” however when you find out that the pool you jumped headfirst into is a puddle…well don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

I’m intelligent and analytical, and whether I like it or not, my profession has been imbued into my soul. Or maybe that part of my soul has manifested into my profession. I have high standards. I read the small print. I read widely. I expect in depth proper knowledge. If you skim read a book then I don’t trust your opinion. I stopped listening to a Youtuber FD Signifier because he admitted to skim reading the prefaces of academic papers on race. Which means he has missed out on all the nuance. I don’t know what he’s missed and neither does he. And that worries me, because what if something he read would have radically changed his opinon on a topic and he didn’t read it? A friend of mine did this to me. And I realised what an agregious sin it was for me. Its a non negotiable. I don’t care if you actually would have come to the same conclusion as if you’d read just the preface, read it all. Because if the whole book didn’t need to be written and all the possible knowledge was in the preface…then the writer would have only written the preface. They wouldn’t have bothered with the rest of the book. Humans are logical creatures and no one will write 100,000 words when 1500 will do. Know that, and apprecaite that. I don’t care if it means that I come to the same conclusion slower. I didn’t hear the starting gun in the “Judgement Olympics” I didn’t even know I was a participant.

Idleness is the gravest sin there is. It leads to all sorts of unimaginable problems. Those without true problems will look for them. I have seen this over and over again in white men most especially, but I am also guilty of it. I always have a new venture. How many stick? They’re new, big and exciting. But how often do I finsih.

Keep promises to yourself. When you do that, you hug your inner child. Therapy has its uses, but if you can just keep one promise to yourself everyday you will have everything you desire. Because ultimately you just want to feel safe. And even if you don’t have anyone else, at least you’ll have yourself. But only if you keep promises to yourself. Finish everything you start. Because no one is watching but you. And you are your most important audience.

Part of my villany is that I accept nothing other than unequivical victory. There are glories in partial victories. There are small wins and also you don’t need to crush your enemies to win. You can only win against yourself. Become the only person you care about in terms of opinions. Not in a narcissistic way. But to improve yourself. Always choose yourself. Other people care a hell of a lot less than you think.

Other people’s reactions are more a reflection on them than you. And people only want you to grow up to the point where they are uncomfortable. That is not your problem. Just use them for something else. Or not at all. Not everyone should share your podium. Sometimes success is a 4x4 hundred metre relay… and sometimes its a solo sprint. Either way you need to be ready to run your own race. Not worrying about others.

Whenever you think you’re healed? Don’t. you aren’t. You are healed when you are dead. That’s when we can analyse the results. Some people can go 30 years sober and wreck their sobriety in a night.

Leadership is something other people speak over you when you are dead. You can try everyday to embody the qualities of a leader, but its a natural thing and the true test is if people will follow you if there was no pressure to do so.

Know yourself, know what makes you happy and what sets you ablaze…with both love and hatred. And hold tight to those things. Strive to maximise love and minimise hatred. Live life authentically, with grace and courage.

And that is all I have learnt in 2023… so far.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother-Smith