Why its a no from me

The internet is awash with black women protesting that black men have wholesale rejected them based on the colour of their skin. But no one has ever heard from a black woman rejecting a black man based on the colour of his skin. That is me.

Before I begin, I’m well aware that it is fundamentally racist. I am also well aware that it is what “the man” wants. But I don’t care I need to state my preference. I’m not shutting the door. I just think in my life it would be unhealthy for me to marry a black man. There’s too much pain there, too many things have gone wrong and unfortunately, you can’t walk them back.

Internalised Misogyny.

Black culture does not have any respect for black women. To be even noticed you need to be married…and of a certain age. By marrying the man I am accepting the culture. You have to remember, you are marrying him, his mother and his father. No matter what you say, no matter what his views you are still battling to be heard because the culture doesn’t respect you. Black British guys are a little less so, however if they have been raised in a first generation immigrant home they will always revert back to what they saw in their own home. That struggle is not my struggle. For all my talk about sweetness and submission, I still want to be listened to, valued and cherished when I choose to speak. Not be overruled by my mother in law (by the way I am aware that this happens in white homes too. However if in a black community, I have no “recourse to justice” I just have to “put up and shut up” however if I appeal to any reasonable white person (key word being reasonable) in the family, then they can tell the problematic person to cool down.

Black mothers.

Black mothers are warriors. The problem with these warriors is that they never learn to PUT THE GUN DOWN. They say behind every toxic man is an enabling mother. Damn right too. A seemingly unique phenomenon within the black community is the black woman with only one son. They are often single mothers, and I can say this without exception. THE WORST MOTHER’S OF ALL TIME. They spoil the hell out of those boys and they end up becoming co-dependent. They are adultified early and moulded to be “the man of the house” i.e. the man their father never was. This puts a hell of a lot of pressure on the son to be successful, to pay back their mother’s sacrifice. So by the time of his late 20’s early 30’s this woman has moulded her son into her perfect spouse. Then some witch comes and steals him down an aisle? Oh hell no, get ready for the fight of your life. Its HER son and SHE birthed him (30+ years ago, but lest we forget) and therefore HE and HIS children will come to Sunday dinner with her every week as well as taking her to church. The children you birthed out of your body have his name and therefore by default are her possession. Don’t even get started on money. She made all the sacrifices to get him good GCSE’s A Levels and it doesn’t matter if you supported him through law school (emotionally) SHE PAID. Am I using enough capitals for you to understand the point here? The vitriol is palpable when you cross a woman who has made her son her life’s work. Women (of all races) with multiple sons are a hell of a lot more balanced.  Look, its important to humanise these women. She loved his father, he ran out on her. She poured all that love into her son, she didn’t mean to turn him into an adult so young, but life was hard for her and she had to pass some of that hardness on. She had to make him into a man. I remember as a child my dad once said “I’ve never met a woman with only one son that didn’t spoil him” (he was the only son of my grandmother, but he had sisters) that stuck with me to the point where I didn’t want sons. I have SEEN the destructive little brats he was speaking on. If you can’t have another son adopt, or foster, for society’s sake.  Again. Fighting a crazy mother in law for the location of my child’s 5th birthday party is not the life I intend to lead.

The sisters.

Talking about Sierra Leone here especially. A man’s sisters and their children will always be their blood, in Asante Ghana, its matriarchal formally and therefore men are known to pay for the private education of their sisters children before their own. It’s a little more relaxed in Sierra Leone, but still creeps in. My dad supported all of his sister’s children financially well into adulthood. Far longer than he supported me. Akin to the mother’s these women have vested interest in their brother’s success and plan to tap into that for financial or otherwise aid. Your family is not your own, it belongs to them. So you need to be able to share, and even dip into your own pocket to please the sisters.  Just to keep the peace. Now let me tell you the story of my late aunt Patricia

My aunt Patricia was a beauty, a stunning tall dark, dark haired siren. When she was in her early 20’s she met a man called John Bull, she fell in love and fell pregnant by him. They gave birth to a son, Prince Bull. Please see my earlier paragraph on women with only one son. Serious hell ensued. John didn’t marry her. She became bitter all her life, but that was okay, she had a little brother, my dad, who would support Prince because his father John went ahead and married another woman in the village. Then disaster struck. In 1989, my dad “met” my mum, and they married in 1990.  Now there was a Mrs Smith who wanted her husband to provide for her instead of Prince. Worse still my mum went and had a baby girl (me) in 1991. That brought about the next 31 years of hell that my mother endured because anytime Prince needed anything (and he was a full brat. He’s almost 50 and its now he is turning his life around, after having 2 kids by 2 women 4 months apart, not to mention no job from 1997-2018. When my dad brought his sister to the UK, my parents almost divorced. After the nasty things she said to my dad and my mum, dad cut her off, financially. So she started defrauding him. Yes, when my dad got cancer the first time, she started selling off his property like he was already dead. 5 years later she survived him by under 4 months. When he went to Sierra Leone to confront her about it, she said “don’t you want me to have nice things?” a choice then was to be made, his wife or his sister. My dad briefly picked his sister. Then recanted. This is the life I want to avoid. I don’t want love rivals, I’ve always said no mistresses, no to open marriage. That includes sisters. Its too much.

The Brothers.

Black men cover for black men. There is clearly some sort of code. If a white man cheats and his brother finds out, his brother will exit the situation. He’ll never condone or help cover up the situation, he’ll try and convince his brother to stop. Now some black men have good syblings who will tell them to stop. However, there is a lot of scum out there. Black men are sexualised too much and so there is a lower standard when it comes to cheating. To be balanced. There are black men who were actually raised well, and these men wouldn’t cover for their brothers. I haven’t met any yet. I’m not about to vouch for my male relatives, I don’t know them like that, but I’d like to think my cousins fear God (and their mother’s) enough to reproach a man when he’s in the wrong.

The cheating.

Its way too normal. White people cheating is slightly less common because it is not an expectation that sooner or later the man will step out on the marriage. Often when she’s pregnant or just given birth and things aren’t as “tight” as they used to be. Black men often say “they can’t help themselves” but to cheat. My answer is this. If you are not in control of your emotions, why am I labelled the hysterical gender? Also if you’re not in control of your emotions then please, don’t drive a 1 tonne piece of metal with me and my precious children in it. If you are not in control of your emotions then go back to year 5 where you belong and stay in remedial classes until you do. Don’t cheat. I still look at my ex father in law and my ex differently knowing they are cheaters. It takes incredible dishonesty to commit adultery. Every single day, you lie. You lie to your wife, you tell her you love her. You lie to your kids about your whereabouts, you lie to your friends for the same reason, you lie to the mistress to say you’ll leave the wife to be with her. You lie, and lie, and lie. And in the black community, there is just and expectation that he will do this, and you will have to be a “strong black woman” and suck it up. Protect your kids. Stay in the marriage for the sake of the children. Lets not even begin on the toxic streotypes of “if you gave him more sex he’d stay, if you did your hair he’d stay. “ because cheating is always the woman’s fault here. It’s the wife’s fault for letting herself go, and the mistress’ fault for luring him in. Its never the man’s fault for being morally and sexually deviant, let’s blame women.

Fraud and Financial abuse.

Yeah you can tell I’m west African. Never heard of this problem with my east, north or southern African counterparts. Let’s talk about financial abuse. Let’s break it down into sections.

Fresh off the boat- First Generation immigrant.

Always sending money back home! (please read the paragraph on mother’s and sisters.) and it doesn’t matter if he’s actually made a success of living in the UK or not. He’ll send. My dad worked in a cheese factory at one point, in 3 degrees centigrade despite being a university lecturer so he could send money back home. As a result a man cannot serve both Africa and UK. There is a price to be paid, and his kids will pay it. As will his wife.  I remember I went to legoland with my cousin and her children one time. She remarked on how few black parents there were there. Not only do black families not prioritise “fun” but where the hell are you getting the money to go on a family day out where the tickets may cost £100 for the family and the whole experience can cost you £200-£400? When you weigh it up vs little Jimmy your cousin’s brother’s son who is starving back home and “could really use your support” would you pick watching your own children laugh versus putting food in a child’s mouth, even if you don’t know that child? Yeah, that is the problem. The problem I have often stated is that black men, both African and British do not believe they are financially or emotionally responsible for their children. Therefore they just live with them. They may well love them. But they don’t make decisions based on their children’s best interest because their wife is a “strong black woman” and you can bet that woman will work double night shifts at Tesco rather than let her children starve. So they sacrifice and perpetuate the “Strong black woman” standard, for as long as you are single handed and holding up the sky, why should the man do his part when the sky isn’t crashing down? I don’t want to be a “strong black woman” I want to be a “soft, well cared for, cherished black woman” and that is incompatible with the “suffering lifestyle” that these men want you to live.

The black Brit.

Flashing lights. Black British men hark back to what they see their father’s get away with. So the standard is rarely better. They sometimes do send money to “back home” to provide for mum and dad who have retired, or to build their own home back home (that they’ll never retire to) But ultimately black British men are FLASH. We’ll talk about high value men later, but big cars, expensive watches designer gear are the order of the day. And they’ll pay to “keep” a woman. Yet they have no money. That lifestyle will come back and haunt them sometime soon. When you marry them, you marry all their problems. Also I have an open question. Why do black women always lend money to their broke boyfriends? White men wouldn’t dare ask a woman for money. Neither would a white woman give it if she wasn’t married to him. But black women? We’re always showing loyalty and always trying to prove our worth. Yet the women who he lends money from, who he helps build him up, will never enjoy the fruits of her success. I’ve said it before. Kayne West called it right when in the lyrics to Golddigger he said “when he get on, he’ll leave your ass for a white girl.” I just said suffering lifestyle isn’t my thing. Neither is “struggle love” Thank you, next.

High value man.

I actually love this, because the men who open their mouth and talk about “being the prize” and being a “high value man” are often deeply insecure men who I wouldn’t recommend to anyone’s daughter. It hasn’t pierced into white culture where low educated men are told that what makes them a man makes them a prize.

Praised for doing your job/unicorn gratification.

Unicorning, i.e. when a black man doesn’t do any of the stereotypical bad things I have stated here is also a problem for me. I have long suffered from anxiety and lived my life “waiting for the shoe to drop” so even if he doesn’t do the classically bad things I will live my life on tenterhooks, and if I don’t I will fall into the classic black female trap of “praising a man for doing his job” the standards for white men in the matter of husbandry are much higher, be a present and romantic partner, be a present and loving father, do your share of the housework, support your wife in her dreams. However for black men, the standards are much lower. When my dad died, everyone commented on how much my mum and dad loved each other, how much he did for his family and how wonderful of a husband and father he was. Don’t get me wrong, my dad was an excellent father, and husband. However, he did his job. He was the one that proposed to my mum and so its his job to take care of her. He was the one who fathered me and therefore its his job to take care of me. In both instances, he was the one who made the first move and therefore it was his job to ensure the women in his life were well taken care of. With white men that is the standard you expect, so when he drops below that standard he is reprimanded by society. Because the standard of care is so much lower in the black community, if the man does his job he’s a “devoted and loving father” instead of “a dad.” He is praised for taking his kids to school. Now white people are praised for things like that too, but it is far more common for them to actually do it. I don’t want to be in the thrall of someone who is actually only treating me as I deserve. I maintain that “black love” at its finest is no better than “white love” however the depths of wickedness that black men can inflict on their families can be much greater because of the toxic social norms. Not because black men are inherently bad people.

The chase/ buying me.

I refuse to be bought. People value what they can’t have and as an abstinent woman that puts a target on my back (my ex was white and he pursued me for my virginity) and the intensity with which black men pursue women is disturbing. They fall into this “Maiden or whore” narrative which is very 15 year old boy. My ex was the same. I was a “fair maiden” when I married him, yet the red flags were, all his exes “were sluts” I thought because I was saving myself for marriage, I’d be the exception. I doubt it. His mistresses once they dumped him, were also “sluts” and I can’t deal with people who are dogmatic like that. There is also a ridiculous pressure for sex because men in general see sex as a conquest, but black men get aggressive when they think that they are being “deprived” of sex. (funny, women never get to use the same excuse to cheat or leave a partner) You are objectified quickly.

Cheating. Every single time I have been asked out by a black man I have said no. And every single time have given the excuse that I have a boyfriend. Every single time I have been told “let me take your number anyway, I can be your “friend” “ Friend here, is short for “Friends with Benefits” Yes benefits to the man. I remember being in Clapham Junction station and being chatted up by this tiny Nigerian man old enough to be my father, only a few weeks after my own dad died. He was married and was asking me out. They know if they get you to say yes they never have to respect you because you are a side piece, a cheater with a boyfriend. Its just easy sex. Also, the blackmail of “I bought you XYZ” is not what I want. I have been in a relationship where love is transactional and highly conditioned, and it isn’t healthy and it doesn’t fit with the kind of vulnerability I plan to have with my husband.

Attraction.

Maybe this should come first, but as we grow older, our tastes change. All my first crushes were black men. However as I grew up and was exposed to different faces of beauty, i.e. Henry Cavill. I stopped being attracted to black men. I can regard them as handsome, but I will not be attracted to them as they do nothing for me.  I see them as either ugly, or peacocks. I don’t want an ugly husband, neither do I want a peacock because peacocks are always on the look out for more peahens. I also want to be attracted to my husband. After a marriage without attraction, its an important characteristic for me.

Disappointment.

Something a friend said to me that stuck with me. “you rejected black men because all the black men in your life failed you.” I felt that. My dad, who I love, adore and cherish often chose culture over me. Then used his imperium as an “African man” to justify whatever hurtful BS just went down. My brothers used culture to be “man babies” well into their 30’s. as a result, I was had to grow up fast in my adolescence as my parents needed to vent. I have uncles that have done absolutely nothing wrong in their marriages and have lived life in peace, but they are in the minority. Cheating, financial irresponsibility, domestic violence and other forms of abuse feel more common in the black community. I have to say that it is not all black men that do this, but it is enough for me to sit up and take notice and enough for me to decide that isn’t what I want in life. I didn’t want to flip a coin where it was weighted against me. I also don’t want to be in a position of praising a man for doing his job. I was that woman, and I won’t do it again. I will lift my man up whenever he does something exceptionally kind or generous or sacrificing, but the fact that he has agreed to pay for shoes for his own children is not the lifestyle I want me, or my kids growing up in.

Balance.

I hope I do not hate black men. I certainly fear them. That’s raw honesty for you. I was chatted up by a black man yesterday and aside from the fact that I felt no attraction, I felt fear, fear of what my life would be if I made the same mistakes as my mother and grandmothers did.  I should point out that they are people too. They are precious and special to God, and that they have feelings, emotions and vulnerabilities. To almost all of them, someone hurt them. Its often a society that sexualises them. It is often a society that is prejudice against them. It is often fathers that left them and mothers whose love couldn’t cover the balance. But I believe the overriding point here is, we need to heal our sons. From societies sexualisation and degradation. However I am not a healer. Healing someone’s son was something I tried in the past with my ex. It nearly killed me and as a result I am not looking for someone to nurture going forward. I will not be drawn into unhelpful and toxic narratives such as struggle love, or black love. I want true love. My parents had it. I want it. I hope you find it.

Grace and courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.