Why give away the cookie?

’m going to talk about sex here, and most specifically, my sex life. Or lack of it.

Its important to note that everyone needs to be happy with their own individual state of affairs, and no judgement should be placed on a man or a woman doing what is right for them, providing everyone is consenting and that they aren’t hurting anyone.

Its also important to state that my preferences have nothing to do with religion despite being a Christian. I just like myself. A lot.

So here it is guys, my preference. I’m a straight woman. Who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.

Now I’m going to talk about it from several angles here. But first let me give you my WHY.

I am a woman. Therefore sex is an invasive procedure for me. Someone is physically going to be inserted into my body and I must let them in.

I will not be doing that without a wedding ring on my finger as I really like myself. There is 100% nothing in it for me. Sex isn’t all that great. (Sorry if you think that is because of my ex-husband)

You want me to allow you into my body for up to 15 minutes without legal protections for if this shit goes sideways? You must be criminally insane. No way am I crazy enough for that.

As a woman. All the downsides sit with me.

If I get pregnant, I have to carry the child in my body for 10 months then love and nurture the child until I die.

Once I have carried the child to term, I have to give birth, which is universally known to be painful, otherwise why would they call it “Labour?” Main side affects, bleeding for several days, pain in urination and I MIGHT DIE??? Especially as a black woman, we’re 3 times more likely to die in childbirth than white women.

If I choose not to have the child, I have to go through a medical procedure (termination) which depending on the stage, can be varying levels of deeply unpleasant and undesirable. And lets’ not forget the scariest side affect. I MIGHT DIE.

Then you have the joys of STI’s which both sexes can get.

Contraceptives. Almost all female contraceptives other than the female condom, have hormones which are drugs intended to disrupt how your body does its business ( I should know, I have an implant in and it has been giving me hell for 3 years now)

Why, oh why pray tell would I go through all this to be naked in front of a man that doesn’t love me enough to provide me with security of his protection? That’s not love that’s madness. And it says you don’t love yourself.

The reason I contest this is if you are willing to live with life changing consequences for less than 15 minutes of fun it is because you lack self-esteem, you don’t believe you deserve true happiness and are willing to grab with both hands the tiny joys that life might offer you from time to time.

I personally rebuke that brand of Satan’s forces. That’s not me getting religious, that’s just a phrase I use.

Don’t get me wrong, if you don’t value safety and you value pleasure, please go have as much sex as possible, in fact I beg of you, have 70% more sex than normal to account for all the sex I’m not having. Someone should have fun in this life.

I believe it comes back down to the difference between happiness and joy.

Sex without love might give you an orgasm, which can make you happy for a while, but can’t bring you joy. Meanwhile sex with love can bring you joy but may not give you happiness. It depends what you value.

I value joy. I lived my adolescence going from place to place, always scared. My comments were analysed and I never felt safe. I promised myself that I would wait until I married someone worthy of the precious gift I was giving them, not my “Purity” but my heart. As my ex-husband trashed that gift, I consider myself a virgin.

Furthermore, our grandmother’s burned bras to ensure our sexual liberation to make sure that we weren’t obligated to give ourselves to men. I agree wholeheartedly. I never have sex when I’m obligated to. I only do it when I want to. When the husband shows me the respect and devotion I need to come out of my shell. I always say it. I’m an empowered woman. I’m empowered to serve my husband. That is what I want to do.

Finally, in a society that has sex after “3 dates” (Are you alright? You don’t know this man’s middle name and you are bringing him into your body???? Please go talk to Frank!) not having sex before marriage is a great way to distinguish the “wheat from the chaff.” Men value what they can’t have.

Its not a manipulation (that’s what my ex husband thought) it is in fact, simply having standards. And I have high ones so get used to them!

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother-Smith.