Vulnerability is not rewarded
When I’m a bitch good things happen to me. When I’m nice, bad things happen to me. On Tuesday I bought KFC for a homeless man. I had 10 minutes before my train, I had time to do it…just. All of the ordering machines in KFC broke down, and I missed my train by 3 minutes… I had to wait an hour until the next one.
Then I go to Green park (looking like a hot mess) and ask a guy about his dating preferences. I’m basically 13 years old. Get turned down. Try and take it on the chin.
Then I have an interview on Wednesday when I go full boss bitch on his ass, the CEO loves it.
On Thursday I’m open and vulnerable, talking about my therapy and my dad’s passing. I get a quite frankly cruel jape played on me which sends my anxiety into overdrive and I have one of those nights that never end. I felt betrayed. Even if it was a no it would be a no from my true self, no performance. I showed how much I cared, researched more than anyone, even donated to the charity to see an end to end process. I cared, I poured out love and got my heart broken. It was incredibly cruel.
I for one feel like my vulnerability isn’t valued. I love and care and because I’ve always been “the strong one” I am also the one that gets hurt. I ended up walking around Kew Gardens, trying to comfort myself by hugging myself and saying “its going to be okay” then “you’re going to be okay” then finally “everything is working out for you” my anxiety was creeping. I’d had the audacity to feel good. It was the audacity of hope and it got crushed.
But worst of all, it was a microcosm of my life. I felt if I could only make one simple step towards getting my life back together, there would be momentum about it and I’d be able to start to heal. My life has been not just bad, but extraordinarily bad.
Things happen to me that don’t happen to other people, like when I have the audacity to have plans for a holiday I get the US government asking for my passport for 7 weeks, then 14… which as it happens to envelope both my holiday plans even though I gave them my passport promptly. I thought by doing the right thing and getting that done I would get my money in the USA promptly. I didn’t.
I am only waiting on this money because 6 years ago I attempted to stop my elder brother becoming homeless. Now my kindness is kicking me again. The less I talk/think about it, the better.
Essentially, this is one of the trials of living with Grace and Courage. You need courage to be brave, but living bravely is to live in pain, and no one relishes pain, especially when they have lived a lot of it. Grace you need to deal with failures and successes. I’ve mostly used them to deal with failures and pain.
I have spent a good deal of time in tears, and I found it hilarious when I called up Samaritans, when a aged white man asked me to dig deeper into why I felt isolated, I explained that socialising isn’t encouraged in the culture of my parents, he said “ No that’s not right, I have Nigerian friends and they go out…” LOL. Are you, a man in your 50’s/60’s friends with Nigerian 13 year old girls? If so, can someone please call the police? My love, please don’t try and tell me about my own experience, I don’t need to be strong for you too.
Despite my trials and tribulations, I pray Grace and Courage on your life.
But mostly, I pray for a life less complicated, with more joy and success, for you and for me.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother Smith.