Villain era

We’ve spoken about the dark night of the soul…the days of thunder…. and those nights and days are not over… but they encompass… The villain era. I’m 100% okay with being a villain now. The reason? I was turning myself inside out, killing my soul trying to heal on someone else’s clock. Are you paying me to heal? No? then shut up. I was trying to be good, trying to be perfect. Now I embrace my imperfections. Its actually not an imperfection. Its just a mirror.

I’m actually not a good or bad employee. I’m a mirror. A mirror with a microphone and and amp. If you are good to me, I am good to you. If you are bad to me… I will be bad to you. This villian dances round her house because she’s free. She got a second (possibly 3rd) chance and life and she’s going to stop judging herself. She has needs. And crucifying herself at the alter of your opinion isn’t going to get those needs met.

The grand self sacrificer? Dead. The pick me? Cremated. Don’t pick me. Choose me. If you can’t do that… its cool, we can be surface level. Try and attack? And I will bring a nuke to a knife fight. I’ve been raised to believe that that’s vengence and that’s wrong. No. Revenge is not a bad thing. I repeat. Revenge is not a bad thing.

Revenge is a reactionary emotion. It is a reaction to a sin committed. No sin? No revenge. The reason that revenge has been portrayed as sinful and bad is because its a reaction… and the person who committed the original sin is not in control of how you react. So its characterised as bad. Its in fact just another word for restitutionary justice. A loss has been counted, and the victim is looking to recompense until satisfied. Sounds like you’re bitter that you fucked around and found out… that this bitch has hands… They say until the lion tells his story, all you have is the hunter’s tale. Sounds like a hunter mad that a lion fought back. Didn’t consent to its own slaughter. I say don’t do bad to people unless you are fully willing to pay the worst case scenario for your actions. Yes… negligence is an action too. because its a choice. Everything you choose, you pay for. So cough up, because I’m going to take your actions, take them too far and then give them back to you. By the way, this goes for kindness, show me kindness, I am very kind back. I have bought gifts for all my bosses. As well as colleagues who have been kind to me. If I know what you like. I will get you a gift. I didn’t know gifts were part of my love language. Until…

I got my friend a gift when she’s down in February.

I buy another friend a cinamon bun (we both love them) whenever I go to London and get them.

Got her something from Paris.

Anyone who has a baby… I always do the most…babysitting. crotchet. Gifts…

I have an Eid gift for my friend in London. Yes I know its June next week and Eid was in April.

The expensive ass gifts I have bought for friends for birthdays. (also thoughtful, they don’t have to be expensive as long as they’re thoughtful) Also the expensive ass gift I got a colleague who left RCGP, he wasn’t my boss. He was a guy who worked in IT, we got on and he was my favourite word for a colleague… Competent. So when he left… I bought him a bottle of whiskey for £40 which back then baring in mind that I didn’t have a lot of money back then… was the equivilent of spending £100. I can see his face but I don’t remember his name. I just dropped it off at his desk I didn’t even see his face when he opened it. Same for my first boss, Predrag, Paul, Raees, my first mentor Steve. Predrag was my favourite gift, it wasn’t alchol based. It was socks. Specialist running socks, when he was trying to get back into running. Claire, Mark. I can go on… Claire was another person who was a colleague and was just grateful to and was competent. Competency is so rare that I actively reward it whenever I see it.

My friend’s baby in France, spent easily £200 on making/getting her gifts when she was born. Then more stuff was sent for her first birthday (which came around quick???)

I went to Paris, I bought the children of those kind to my dad when he was dying… all gifts from Disneyland and Paris. I remember their birthday’s and Christmas and acheivements.

This Christmas, I sent for 11 kids. I dropped my own nephews and neices because I don’t trust that relationship. Otherwise it would be 15.

Ditto my godson.

My friend in the USA. Her daughter I have never met, but i remember her birthday and Christmas.

My nephew (it’s my job but still)

My dad… I used to sneak him extra money whenever I had it. would pay for his Economist, his favourite bread, his favourite meat. I’d get him whatever he wanted. I spoiled him. Thank God I was his last kid… He’d never be able to go anywhere else for love. The love was too good… So God called him home. (by the way. If I’m not his favourite kid after all the love and affection…then I give up. At least I tried.)

My mum, I’d get her a flowers subscription. (I also bought her something from Paris)

I used to do scouts, girls brigade and Sunday school.

I’d babysit people’s kids for free.

I have a gift in mind for another child of the people who were kind to my dad… I will take them somewhere… but that’s gonna cost me a good £200 and so I need “pray for me money” to get that done.

My dad’s school friend uses my car whenever he’s in the UK. I pay for the insurance…

I have people in my heart. But I get cussed out for not calling my uncle who didn’t tell me he was in the country. This is what happens when you do too much…

I’m a villain. But I’m also an incredibly loving person. I have been kind. I have a big heart for children. I have so much unused love… that means my love is deep and my wrath is terrible.

If you fuck around… you do find out…

You find out that Annetta is a villain.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.