Toxic Christianity

“Jesus” is the answer no matter what the question, some people say. Wrong. What if the question is “who killed 10 million Jews in the Holocaust?” The answer sure as hell isn’t Jesus because Jesus was a Jew and Jesus loves all creation. Yet so often I get told to “rely on Jesus he is the answer to all your problems.” Again, wrong. I am the answer to all my problems, because normally, I have caused my own problems. God is the answer but what his daughter Annetta has been doing to cause her own problems is at best, questionable…  

There is a thing called toxic Christianity and it is awash in the church, both established and unorthodox.  We are all human, but it really irritates me when we don’t even “try” to live out God’s word. Even when it is actually convenient for us to do so. So many times I have been to church and people start acting out not even 15 minutes after the end of the sermon. When I was growing up there was a poster in my old church in Bermondsey saying “There are 168 hours in a week, can you give 2?”  It was a poster about volunteering for something, but it stayed with me. There are 168 hours in the week, you go to church for one of those hours, can you please live his word for the other 167 hours and even if you have a 10% success rate of 16.7 hours its better than the 0 hours you are currently on.

The truth of the matter is religion creates a power structure and people want to be able to exert power over you, it makes them feel good. Something I have never understood is for decades, the church has been made up of women and children. Children that the women bring to church, they make up 80%-90% of the church population. Yet 80%-90% of the church leadership is men. Your priest? I’m pretty confident you are thinking about a man. Church leadership team? Mostly men. Why? Because men are drawn to having positions of power and control. That’s why you must take everything in small doses. Including religion. Faith, take large gulps. Religion, small doses.

Its hard to tell when I first encountered toxic Christianity. But it is more common amongst black people because white people tend to take their faith more as a private matter, like a “loose garment” to be donned and taken off when appropriate.  Whereas black people like their faith and religion like the Emperors new clothes. Naked.

I went to 2 churches when I was in London. The first was described as “Anglo-Catholic” the services were “sung” by “Father Nicolas” as opposed to “Rev Jim Jerry” it was cold and anaemic and there was no vitality to the love of God. That’s just as poisonous because God’s love is a living thing and you can’t treat the living like the dead.

 The next church is the one I have the fondest memories of. Bermondsey Central Hall. I loved it there because I was surrounded by people my own age who looked like me. I had real role models. Like Grace Hendricks. Now Dr Grace Hendricks who did a BBC article about being diagnosed as dyslexic at 24. Carl Konadu OBE I actually went to school with and he was in my class. I had people of stature all around me. I felt loved and God’s love was an active doing word. People who were poor set up charities to help the poor overseas. We raised money for the 2004 Tsunami, 1997 rebel war in Sierra Leone, youth groups and so much more. This was the only example I have of true Christianity. It allowed me to flourish and grow.

It is because I have experienced real love that I know what fake love is. I remember one of the churches my dad was a in charge of this blind woman tried speaking in tongues. That is the closest I have ever been to giving a person “the best slap of their life” Will Smith Style. “Keep my God’s name out of your mouth!” (Don’t worry, I didn’t, because God was watching me too.) I found it attention seeking and rude in the extreme. Disrespect a human in their own house? Not cool. Disrespect GOD in his own house? That’s fire and brimstone levels of bad. Its literally in the 10 commandments, not to take his name in vain. I especially found it irreverent because she was offending the same God she was claiming to serve. She said “My people my people I want you to turn away from sin and wickedness…” Whilst she was conning the council and 2 other charities and telling people she couldn’t work when she could. God doesn’t choose the perfect. He choses the human. God actually could have chosen her. But the truth is he didn’t and when she didn’t get the response she wanted, she never did it again. We all just stared at her as if she was mad. Because she was. That was when I was 19.

I had the iron clad grip of other churches discriminating against anyone not 55, male, straight and white. I’ve spoken on that subject before.

But then we get back to the ones that are toxic as opposed to stupid and self destructive. It all began with my mother. Started receiving daily “prayer messages” from my mum. I started liking them, because they were a sign she was thinking of me. Then I’d get them from my cousin’s husband. Yes, My cousin from Sierra Leone, who I last met when I was 16, her husband who I have never met would send me “Jesus messages” at 4am. Then when my dad was dying a family friend took my number, and started sending me Jesus messages, from a group chat. Also at 2am-4am. So you can “start the day with God.” However. Neither of those people when my dad passed away sent me a single message to say “are you okay?” or even at a stretch “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted” (an actual bible quote from the Beatitudes.) Nope, but they are content to send messages to the “English Heathen” because they believe that the West “Has turned their back on God” (the West have and its because of nonsense like that.) It was about them saying “I’m evangelising to X many people in X countries” not about my willingness to be evangelised. It has a certain colonial, “Preach to the savages” feel about it.

Now I have to talk about the Catholic church. I worked for the Catholic church for 14 months during the pandemic. Let me tell you. Don’t mess around with God, because the Catholic church are the best example of people living out God’s punishment that you will ever meet. There is a Creole saying for the way those people are living in sin. “E ta lek dem swear dem.” (It’s as if they are cursed) Sex before marriage? Not living in sin. The Catholic church? THAT is an example of living in sin.

Obsessed with titles and respect, they don’t see they are less and less relevant in the fast changing world that doesn’t hold their views. They spend money like Catherine of Aragon is still Queen Consort of England and the Reformation never happened. They were once incredibly rich, they do genuinely good work, that is an example of genuine Christianity by the way. But they are also incredibly vain and prideful. They frittered away the family silver on all sorts of stupidity (sin) that if you were a secular charity you wouldn’t do. But as a church they decided it was important for priests to have gym’s and car ports and massive gold crosses (idolatry) As an accountant whose job it was to analyse how they spent their money, I was appalled.  

 Everyone I worked with was a practising Christian most were “devout Catholics” and when I was working there they started to discriminate against me with an analyst not even worthy to rub my little finger, because he was a straight, white male and most importantly “a devout Catholic.” Because clearly, how you pray directly impacts how hard you work and how well you analyse numbers. I was willing to do 3 times the hours they paid me for, for free. He was willing to work the odd hour or two as long as he got paid. As a result of the poor way they treated me and discriminated against me they lost an excellent Protestant analyst to gain a mediocre Catholic one. Do you see God’s punishment for wickedness in this? I was delivered from the worst place I’ve ever worked in and they are still destroying themselves (I keep up with their self harm attempts via my old boss)

When my dad was dying I was greeted with incredible coldness. I can name 3 people who even politely enquired, one went as far as to help. But an example of their coldness was they still expected me to work 16 hour days 7 days a week when my dad was in hospital. A colleague who was my age, her grandfather came to live with her in Lockdown 1 and passed away 3 months before my dad. She wasn’t allowed to take any time off to look after him. She took some time off for the funeral and that was it. And she was the CEO’s favourite. The Director of Communications hadn’t had a single day off since he'd started in 2019 and by the time of 2021 he was in dire need of a HOSPITAL. I’m not joking, I’m not saying this to put down the Catholic church, I’m genuinely telling you that a father of 3 looked just as bad from exhaustion as my dad did with less than a month to live with terminal cancer. I had been signed off with exhaustion for a month at 29 and he looked worse than I felt having been signed off sick. I remember very clearly reading a BBC article saying that overwork kills 750,000 people a year worldwide, normally men in their 50’s (his approx. age) and my first thoughts were, “Christian Jones will die in a few months if he doesn’t stop soon.” When my dad had 12 days to live they told me he may not make the weekend, it was a Friday and my last day working for the Catholic church. I took my stuff and ran. I didn’t wait for permission. They wouldn’t give it. They saw me not as a worker, but as a whipping girl for the historic crimes of Finance and they wanted to continue whipping me. I didn’t care as it was one of those life defining moments when you realise what matters. I forgave them for their sins against me (by the way not all of them committed sins against me, but the ones that did, were egregious.) Everyone there knew about God’s word and how to treat their fellow man. No one there actually did it. It was an incredible place to work because it was the least Christian place ever. I can honestly say I did not feel God’s presence there, but I knew it was through his mercy that I worked there and had that experience.  But their worst sin of all was they lacked self-awareness.

I chatted to my colleagues about the child sex abuse scandal that had been hitting the Catholic church over recent years. (The Catholic church in England has taken our insurance against being sued for all this) I got responses of “There’s nothing the church could have done back then. Priests aren’t employees” Let me spend some time unpacking these lies.

Priests aren’t employees. Was the main reason the Catholic church did not turn the paedophile priests over to the police. Yet they were almost always moved by the bishop to a new pasture once reports of abuse came to light. So the Church did have the power to do something. What worse, and not a lot of people know this, is that the Catholic Church has numerous religious orders that the Bishop can remove a priest to where they no longer have contact with the public. Its just their job to pray all day. So there were things that the Catholic church could have done. Like take these Priests truly out of circulation rather than just have them abuse someone else’s’ child because these people were complaining.

Next lets talk about the fact that when did someone’s employee status ever have anything to do with going to the police? Let’s say your neighbour is self employed, and a paedophile, and you find out. Do you not call the police with your evidence because he doesn’t have a line manager? So Plumbers, Electricians, therapists and actors can all be as evil as they like towards children, you can’t do anything because they have no line manager to report it to. I was unaware of the law that said that if someone commits an criminal offence you take it to their line manager first. Therefore never report a burglary because all thieves are self employed in their craft of stealing and as they don’t have a line manager, you are powerless to go to the police. Logical, right?

Also, paedophilia is a criminal offense. It relates to professional misconduct however it is a crime so you can’t mix the private criminal offence with the professional misconduct. A priest resisting arrest for speeding is professional misconduct. Its also a criminal offence and needs to be dealt with using criminal courts, not telling the police is tantamount to obstruction of justice, or perverting the course of Justice, which is also a criminal offence in the UK. The arrogance that they believed that they were above the law is breath-taking. It seeped from every pore and still is destroying them today. For as long as they refuse to acknowledge what was wrong with their attitude, they will never be forgiven. Its not 1098. The church doesn’t wield indiscriminate power over the state. They don’t get to decide what does and doesn’t go to the Crown Prosecution Service. That is the job of police detective inspectors, not bishops. The only road to forgiveness is by turning over every single file against every single priest alive and dead who may have committed paedophilia. And co-operating with every single investigation in full and by doing so showing contrition and humility towards the victims. Paying compensation, generous compensation for what they let happen. Only by showing that contrition will things get better. Otherwise they need to be content to be referred to as “the church of the paedophile priests” and have all of Christianity suffer for their “bad eggs.”

My last word on the Catholic Church’s sex abuse scandal is the most powerful of all. Children were abused. That trumps everything. Children were abused and so rather than upholding whatever law was there at the time, it was their jobs as Christians to act with love. “Jesus said I’m come to over turn the law and give you a new commandment, love one another as I have loved you.” Its their job to act with humanity first, rules second. Because it was children and vulnerable people involved. Instead they chose the law and suffered the same fate as the pharisees which they deserved more than the Pharisees because the Pharisees didn’t have the Bible and Jesus telling them to bend more and show compassion. They saw what happens when you stick to rules you made up yourself rather than God’s laws and they did what they wanted to anyway.

Finally, I get pressure from my community as a black woman using toxic Christianity. People using Bible verses to give me unrequited “accountability” To those people. Mind your business. Whenever you are using the Bible “against” someone. To “punish” or “put them in their place” Best know you are wrong. You are not using God’s word as its intended. Remember John chapter 8 vs 7. “Ye with no sin cast the first stone” But people in glass houses throwing stones seems to be popular these days.

False prophets. Everyone is a bloody prophet these days. It used to be “Pastor” now its “Prophet” next level up is Emmanuel, which means “God with us” remember that. People elevating themselves and using God’s word. You never hear a beautiful woman call herself a beautiful woman. Other people do. If you need to call yourself a prophet, you are definitely a crook.

 If you hear anyone talking about God in the streets, its always empty drums. I used to work near Oxford Street and every time I go there, there is some headcase “Evangelising.” Ignore them, they are there for their own ego. I hate hearing them, on their loudspeakers, preaching fire and brimstone. Don’t you have the homeless to feed? Prisoners to visit. Have we suddenly run out of poor people for you to help? Remember, Christianity is a “doing word” a “being word” it is a verb, not a noun, its not a title. It is a daily choice to “Christian” “I Christian” is simply short for “I follow Christ” that is what the word, and the name “Christian” means. Everyone has now learnt bible verses off head to spout them at you to make you feel inferior. (Funnily the next bit is about a lot of bible verses, so stick with me here in my mini theological debate against myself)

 I have spoken previously about 1 Corinthians chapter 13 vs 4-7 & 13 “Love is patient, love is kind etc…” But if you look at verses 1-3 you will find it takes directly to this.

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

I love this quote because I literally need to add nothing, subtract nothing, or embellish anything. If you have any questions about what I mean by this quote, read the quote. If you disagree with anything that is in this quote, read the quote again. Only by understanding the quote can you understand what I mean by false prophets, and “accountability.” Originally I wanted to write this blog post about Matthew 5 vs 38-42 where Jesus said.

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[a] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

I have been going through “some stuff” and my mother’s answer to it was “Matthew 5 38-42. Which loosely translated means, “when you are going through hell, keep going.”

Give the most, be the most, do the most. My dad used to quote John Wesley (the founder of Methodism) “Earn all you can, save all you can, spend all you can.” But no one ever said, “be the most you can.” And the principal of “being the most I can be” and my overarching goal of being the living embodiment of John 10:10 “ Jesus said thieves come to steal and destroy but I came that you would have life and life in all its fullness” was directly conflicting with Matthew 5 38-42. Which should I choose? But once again, 1 Corinthians comes out and saves the day.

 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

In my personal circumstances that means, don’t give what you can’t afford. Not just in money but in life. If you can’t do things with Love, then don’t do them. I have really struggled with this particular thing and I will write a separate blog post about it outlining my feelings. In terms of practical work, I have let go of the outcome and let God decide.

Katherine Howard’s personal motto was “No other will but his” either referring to Henry the eighth (her husband) or God. Either way that is how I am approaching this life conundrum. No other will but God’s. Words to live by. But words to live by PRIVATELY. If you are shouting your Jesus quotes at me at 4 am not living them out, read 1 Corinthians chapter 13 vs 1-3.

Live instead how God intended, live by his Grace and Courage. Do not harm your fellow man, as they are his beloved creation. The Bible is like a brick. You can either build a house with it or kill someone by knocking them over the head with it. Choose wisely how you use God’s word. He is after all, watching.

Grace and Courage

Annetta Mother Smith.