Triggered

Met a nice man on Sunday. His real name is the same as my ex husband. That is not the only thing that is similar. He’s an inch taller and has long (for a man) hair, which was what originally attracted me to my ex.

As a result I have had to do some introspection. I’ve previously stated “I’m in a lot of pain right now” and as a result I need to fix  myself before being in a serious relationship. This isn’t a serious relationship. Merely 1 date. But I’m currently a dead person trying desperately to function. It hurts in my heart to try and be normal when I know I’m not. There is nothing wrong with this man. Something inside me worries that I’m too broken to ever be in a relationship. Another part of me says that I need to get used to men, to understand what I like, what I don’t like, what I want out of a man (he has displayed green flags)

I need mental help, I know that much, but why can’t I enjoy something as simple as being courted? I feel like its triggering the worries I have regarding “You will be alone forever” because I have no idea how to love anyone romantically. I feel like I’m too broken by my ex too. I fear men. Is it a fear of intimacy? Or just terror of being human?

All these are sad as sin. But true for me. Hopefully it isn’t true for you.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.