Time to grow
Please tell me you’ve heard the Lemar song called “time to grow?” I just youtubed it. It’s over 12 year old. That was rude for no reason. No need to rub my age in my face Youtube. That song was about a guy who got dumped. (I love a good choir.) but I’m talking about my personal growth.
Its time to put on my big girl panties in April. For the month of March I have been “in my feelings” and have let circumstances define my actions. No longer. Its time to grow. I’m not saying what happened to me wasn’t wrong, nor am I saying my fingers didn’t swell up like tiny sausage dogs because of it. However I am no longer going to allow the fact that something is presenting itself for my attention mean it has an automatic right to my attention. Nor will I allow my feelings to dictate my actions. Someone once said, “between stimuli and response is a choice” and you get to choose who you are every moment of everyday.
That is growth. Moral high ground is fun and all, but it is a losers game. Its what you cling to when you have nothing else. I want something else, I want not to be bothered by people when they act petty and mean. In order to do that I have to start showing up for myself. Start ignoring negative people and be on my own journey. I have to leave people in their petty.
No one likes growth. Growth is uncomfortable, as is stagnation because stagnation is the kind way of saying petrification, which is what happens to the dead. I go for long walks and over the past 2 weeks I have seen a dead deer. I’ve watched that deer decompose, seen flesh become bone. Its haunting and a necessary reminder. If I’m being honest with you, it makes me think of my dad. He has been gone 8 months now, and if that deer has bones exposed then so does my dad. Everything left that I loved is now gone. Dad taught me how to live, and he also taught me how do die. Die on your feet having made peace with God and humanity. Be authentically yourself right until your last moment. Death comes for everyone and I how I live my life is so that when I close my eyes in death for the last time I have lots of love and wonder to look back on just like my dad because that is what he taught me. A life lived with Grace and Courage. I will remember all the times I grew, not all the times I sat in my petty. I will remember loved ones faces and not those of enemies (I try not to have enemies) I will remember my victory mindset not my victim mindset and the only way I can remember the victory mindset is if I had one in the first place. If I embodied a winner, If I had a victory over the my past, my traumas and my limiting beliefs. If I rose over the pain and made sure it didn’t turn into suffering. Hence why the day to grow up is today. Not tomorrow, because I may not wake up tomorrow. Nothing is promised not even tomorrow so I’d better enjoy myself.
I will not lie to you. Today I feel pain, and pain is good, it is a lesson as to how we don’t want to feel. As I’ve said previously I’m trying to get out of the rat race because I no longer want to be at the mercy of psychopathic peacocks addicted to drama. I want the option of when it gets too much, to back out. The reason I feel pain is because the stimulus and the stimulus is my “why” its why I do this, why I do everything, so I don’t go from “pain” to “suffering” i.e. being in pain and sitting in the victim mindset and the petty mindset.
Wish me luck. It’s a high standard I’ve set myself, I hope I live up to it.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother Smith.