Possibly the least sexy thing ever.
Having depression is definitely up there. You feel incredibly inadequate. You can’t perform daily tasks and you are almost constantly exhausted and overwhelmed. Almost everything… including not starving to death requires energy you simply don’t have. That has been my conundrum. I have done some lovely things recently. Yet have really struggled to make my mind work to appreciate all this. Nails done, skincare routine, eyebrows done, new clothes, dreams of Amsterdam and youth hosteling. Absolutely no strength. On Saturday I bought crap food. Oreo’s and pretzels. On Sunday that’s all I put in my mouth. I can’t honestly say I drank before my midnight writing forced me to drink out of dying thirst. I’m going to Paris on Friday. First time I’ve been since I got engaged. No excitement. Got new clothes for it. No excitement. Have I exchanged money yet? Nope. By the way I plan to write everything down that trip. Grace and Courage is going on tour! Who better to conquer than the French? I have some great ideas for my business. The paralysis I have felt of indecision, coupled with a dead fear that if I don’t start immediately I will not be first out of the gate and the product is so niche that there isn’t much space for 2 players.
Loneliness. I’m not lonely, I’m depressed. I often “doomscroll” so I can here sound. Not to amuse myself. Just to hear sounds. I have German homework due Thursday. Today is the best day for it… when is it likely to be completed? Thursday. Yet it’s a vital part of my polymath plan. Next are my neglected books, staring at me like “what’s happening? Do you want to learn or not?” Meanwhile I feel like I’m destroying my potential and the smartest years of my life. “Start now” they say because it’s harder when you start tomorrow… yeah and guess what? They’re absolutely right. As someone who is learning to drive in her 30’s not her teens, I tell you with certainty… start now. It is way harder than in your teens, in my teens it would have taken me maybe 6 months max to drive. It was cheaper and my parents should have paid. Now? It’s £400 a month to learn minimum and it’s taken 3 years. I struggle with the mind fog meaning I forget things. Like Saturday’s lesson. I wish to God I’d never given up languages, and history, and science. I need these things. If I’d continued I’d be fluent by now. They don’t tell you what incredibly fundamental decisions you are making at 16 and how hard it is to get back in when you have left. How easy it is to cop out and talk about the glory days. Or “what if…” just like I did.
People don’t tell you about the headaches, the inability to breathe, they don’t tell you about the feeling of drowning away from water. You are underwater… everything feels so far away and you can’t hear or feel, but you aren’t actually underwater…you’re on land and your mind has just disassociated itself from all the triggers. The feelings of irritation and inability to cope with situations. Not even being able to communicate your way out like an adult is expected to do. There’s no words. Just feelings. Or when you know you’re slipping back into depression and you fight, kicking and screaming not to go back. You fight with all your might to not go back and someone’s callous behaviour can send you into a cycle you will at best spend weeks getting over. Realistically it’s months. And meanwhile they get to go on with their day… apparently the conquering warrior. They “stuck it to you” and that made them feel good. You died inside, wondering how many more of these encounters you can endure before you die of a broken heart. I know my encounters are numbered. Sometimes I genuinely think a few deaths would help these people. If you physically died, the way you died on the inside and they had to witness that they would actually understand the severity of their actions. Just like it’s easier to comprehend a broken leg than a broken heart.
I believe I have made my point. This is one of the least sexy things ever, yet society trivialises it. Glamourises it. People talk about being depressed when they should say “sad” depressed is an apathy against your own existence, a supreme inability to cope. You can be sad, you can even be sad for long periods of time, but you can’t be “depressed for a day” it is a chronic illness. One few people understand. And people want to be seen to be righteous, but not actually help. Please don’t use my illness in vain. Please leave me alone when I ask, and when I reach out… actually help. I’m 31 years old and highly intelligent. I don’t need parenting and neither do I need opinions on how I should handle my condition. Just like you wouldn’t dare tell a cancer patient to “just get better” because you are sick of visiting them in hospital. It’s insulting and it says way more about you than it does about me.
Anyway. I’m up, so I’m going to read a bit then go for a walk, then try and tackle my day.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith.