There is nothing wrong with me.
This morning I was unceremoniously woken up by my phone… Whatsapp messages from an “Egyptian doctor” to tell me that I “needed” surgery, cosmetic surgery because my nose is so wide.
I am of west African decent and some of us have wide, noses. I am one of those. My nose is petit and feminine and suits my features perfectly. Thank you very much.
This guy had gotten my number from a singles forum and decided that 7:45am was a good time to start a conversation with…There is something wrong with you.
In fact there is something so wrong with my nose that he called me 6 times to discuss it in 30 minutes. Yes 6! He even had the audacity to send me pictures of my Whatsapp profile picture to show me how wide my nose is! Like I haven’t noticed it being wide for the last 30 years of it being on my face.
But now to the point of my outrage, this was clearly an extremely poor attempt at a Neg. Negative compliment where a guy says there is something wrong with you but you are pretty anyway. My Whatsapp profile picture I am in Antigua, and I am unabashedly stunning in that picture, rainforest surrounding me, skin glowing natural light touch on makeup I am beautiful. I know it and I knew it when I took that picture. That’s why of the 1000+ pictures from that holiday, that is the one that is my profile picture.
But I would like to conduct an experiment for a minute. Please hark back to the last 5 weddings you have attended, and of those last 5 weddings, please give me a % of those weddings where the groom started the conversation with “you’re ugly but..” Normally the groom says “from the moment I saw her I knew she was drop dead gorgeous, stunning a goddess.” What he does not say is “there’s something wrong with her but I took her anyways” like she’s some “reduced to clear” mackerel about to go off.
The thing about “Neg’s” is they are the start of a deeply unhealthy relationship. What the man wants in this situation is to make the woman feel as if she needs to earn his approval because he knows there’s a problem with her and therefore unless she earns his approval he’ll dump her. He doesn’t want her secure in the relationship. He wants her forever walking on tenterhooks. Not how you want to spend the next 70+ years of your life with your forever person.
It also doesn’t work the other way. You never hear a woman say “You’re fat, have a receding hairline and can barely get it up, but I keep you around.” Because women don’t get far being nasty to people. It deflates men because men have softer egos. Meanwhile women are posted as tougher and so we “can take it” well this woman can take it, doesn’t mean I’m going to.
What happened to a man who was confident enough in his own merit that he didn’t feel the need to bring a woman down to his level in order to “get her” what does “get her” even mean to a man like that? Get her into bed? It certainly doesn’t mean “get her to marry me” because you would treat your intended much better than that because forever is a long time to reciprocate your nasty.
Full disclosure. I never found my ex husband sexually attractive or even handsome. I won’t list his faults but needless to say I didn’t find him sexually attractive. So I always, during the marriage talked up and focussed on the parts of him that were aesthetically pleasing. To the point he said it was “boring” I thought to myself, “well I can’t compliment any other part of you, so you should be grateful you have a wife that actively talks up your good points, builds you up in public and doesn’t tear you down in private.” I recognised that weakening an already weak husband was going to do me no good whatsoever. Like I said. Forever is a long time. So treat your fellow humans with respect.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother-Smith.