manifestation of loneliness

I realised I am lonely, I am sad. Today, I told my mum about something that means a lot to me. Something I wanted to share with my mum. I realised I hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to anyone about it, and so I wanted to tell my mum all about it… she was more concerned about something she wanted to do. I was apparently distracting her.

Because she cut me off she really took the wind out of my sails, I’d not spoken with anyone about this and it was therefore a test case, “Was what I was doing actually interesting to people?” And it appears the answer is no. I read some of the bits of “reverse racism” to a friend which I found hilarious just the night before. No response. She was multitasking.

Now in both cases both women were multitasking and therefore not able to absorb.

But I also admit that what I am looking at is hard, and advanced and does require undivided attention. As a result I can only be in somone’s life if they are open to receive me.

When my mum eventually wanted to “play” realising she’d hurt my feelings I felt quite low. I didn’t want to engage. This is hard stuff, lots of tangents and to my knowledge I am in the process of chasing them all down. It could have been a really fruitful conversation, something that would reassure/reignite my passion, because some of these topics are people’s PhD’s. And I’m trying it the “auto didact method” I’m also looking at laws, and first hand texts and trying to understand how it would have shaped people in real time.

I tried telling digestible stories, I tried speaking with enthusiasm and being funny. But apparently what I find hilarious, my mother thinks is matter of fact.

One example is Carl Linneas, who wrote a book in which Black people are one step above monsters, and are frizzy haired and flat nosed. But he’d basically written a book on classification of animals, and man is an animal. So you’d think he would be describing from life, right? Okay cool so why did he say humans had “tusks” (he meant canine teeth) the point of my humor was “look how wrong he was about humans, no wonder he was wrong about black people, I doubt he’d ever met one.” My mum didn’t want to take the humor.

What I was really enjoying talking about was a legal case, the start of the abolitionism, which in “L’histoire” “I’m currently reading Somerset vs Stuart- a landmark case in 1772 which they outlawed slavery in England (I’m about halfway through, the arguments, whilst making sense, jump around more than a rabbit in a rave”(quality line) and I have no one to share such wit with. “

I guess I feel isolated because my mum can’t even show an interest, and makes me out to be this high and mighty historian because I have the intellectual curiosity to read a few lines.

You don’t realise you have no one to share it with until you try and share it with someone and they reject you.

This is currently how my loneliness manifests itself.

Grace and courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.