10,000 pages

My mother is trying to train me…to expect no support. My mum and I are very different. I love learning new things and talking about them. She believes that I should do things “for me” which I do, but part of it is being able to share it.

I am not expecting extraordinary support, just whenever I feel like bringing it up, just a listening ear. I don’t expect full conversations, just someone to talk to, because I get lonely.

She’s training me to expect no support. I didn’t realise until now she’s doing this on purpose. She’s the one person I have to talk to about this but she’s deliberately not listening because she doesn’t want me to expect my husband to listen.

But I would expect a husband to listen. Because its something small I find interesting, its not a lot of time, and just because its a topic she doesn’t like it doesn’t make it esoteric.

I brought up that when dad became a priest I did all sorts of things I didn’t want to do, that took up lots more time. And that wasn’t for a good reason, my parents wanted me there for apprearances sake.

Iterative is currently 147 pages without Tacitus or the French revolution (so make it 180) I am not expecting anyone to read it. What I want is to be able to perfect my craft so I can communicate it myself, and have that overview.

She took aim at Grace and Courage, because I said no one reads it. She doesn’t understand the concept. Grace and courage is so I can spill my heart out.

“Iterative” is a concept.

It used to be called “flowchart” because that’s essentially what I want to have. I want to have a step back look at history and see people, places and stories that influenced the west. I don’t want the opinion of anyone else, I don’t want someone else’ narrative. I want to form my own. With “iterative” I actually become the historian, inserting my own opinions rather than reading someone else’s, even when I agree with them. Its editorialised. I want, for the most part, the raw uncut version so no one else can sway my opinion. Also, I don’t have an overrarching narrative. I plan for it to develop on the way. There are some obviously disgusting things, like the Holocaust so I won’t be trying to be controversial and say that massacres or killings of any sort are justified. I do however want to know who knew what and when. Like Henry 4th in Angincourt. He gets away with killing “the flower of the French nobility” because he thought there was a second force coming to free the prisoners of war and start the battle again. We find out this isn’t true, but he’s not blamed for the killing because at the time he didn’t know better. (that’s what’s written down anyway) There will be more examples of this, and I want to know all of them. I want to know when “science backed racism” started, what it led to and when did we all work out it was total nonsense. I want to know so many things because I basically don’t trust people to not feed me utter nonsense. I’d rather labour in the background learning what needs to be learnt so no one can lie to me again. Intentionally or not.

My biggest peeve is currently Cincinnatus, the guy that they named Cincinnati in America for. He was a dickhead. If he hadn’t “spared the rod” and raised a thug he wouldn’t be in the history books. But not only is he in the history books, but he has an entire city named after him because no one reads history, if they said it was because of his family’s contribution? Questionable, but him? Nah you didn’t read the book, boo. You are praising him for being broke, then praising him for doing his job. There are a lot of other stories like Cincinnatus. And I want to share them with someone. I love writing and I believe I should share my writing with someone, but as a backing document. But more on that later, I want to share the stories with someone, share the flowchart with someone, I think it would be really great because no one has ever done that before.

But my mum is training me to not get support. And to be like her, “read for my pleasure” do you think I’d be doing it otherwise? What is wrong with having a conversation? I just can’t talk about it ever? So much cool stuff. Apparently I should “go and find people who are interested in this.” The people who do already know more than me, so I wouldn’t be teaching them squat. I want someone who I can teach. I am the product of 2 teachers and my desire to teach is apparently unnatural. Because I’m not teaching accounting or economics?

I will teach, I will figure this whole thing out. Its not a bad thing so I will not be dismayed by everytime my mum pulls the “you’re too smart for me” card. The difference between my mum and I is I try.

I want to know the legal arguements for Somerset vs Stewart? I read it.

I want to know when the East India Company was founded? I read it.

I want to know how Rome was founded? I read it.

I’m curious and I am willing to know more. I know I don’t have a degree, but if I buy £30,000 worth of books, I am pretty sure I can get what I need. A degree and a masters would take me, 8 years (part time) , and cost £44,115. Then I’d get paid at PhD level.

£44,000 8 year book budget is extraordinary.

It breaks down to £5,514.38 per year, for books, libraries and paid things. That, I can easily afford.

I will be saving sooo much money by doing this my way. I’d like it to be making me money in 8 years, just like a PhD. I will get no formal training, I will remain autodidact. However, what I am doing will is cool. Very cool, and I am proud of myself. My mum is already upset that this is 147 pages without Tacitus or the French Revolution work. Oh my goodness is she going to be cross when she finds out I intend the whole thing to be over 10,000 pages. Also if my computer fails me I will be humongously screwed but I do pay Microsoft Office for cloud storage so my computer can’t fail me that badly….

No matter what happens, pray for me.

Grace and courage.

Annetta Mother Smith