I did not go raw…
And therefore I should not face the consequences of having unprotected sex i.e. children. Yet here I am as part of a community that makes you responsible for other peoples kids. So I must talk about where my hang-ups came from.
As usual for anyone, it came from childhood. My dad, as I have often said, provided for his sisters kids first and then his sons, then me. Almost 30 years ago now my dad made the greatest mistake of his life (Don’t you dare say me!) and sent for his nephews and niece in age order from eldest to youngest and then his sons. His sons were the youngest. This meant that he sent for the 26 year old before the 10 year old. What made it worse was that halfway through this process the British Government changed their immigration rules which made it harder for dad to send for his actual kids. This was the beginning of what became a lifelong struggle to reunite the family. A struggle that led to failure, bitterness and resentment on all sides. Which could have been prevented if he’d sent for his own kids first.
They say disfunction is passed down from father to son. So my 2 brothers went down the dysfunctional path in a BIG way. At time of writing, one brother has himself together just about and the other is a fraudster who has stolen thousands of pounds from my dad by fraudulently selling my dad’s land claiming it was his inheritance (that land was left to the church in the end and my dad was still alive when he sold it) and also has abandoned his wife and children in another country for a second time.
I’ve often been criticised and have felt guilt for not giving money to my brother’s children yet I have a wide circle of children who I do remember every birthday, Christmas and milestone. The Bible says that the sins of the fathers will be passed down to the sons. I have never believed that because I believe that when you are born you are a separate person to both your parents and you are precious and special to God in your own right.
Yet I will never provide for my brother’s children because I never want them to be dependent on me or see me as my father’s 2.0. England provider.
As a result I have no relationship with my nieces and nephews whatsoever and this often breaks my heart. I care for them more than they will ever know however because I have never put myself up as provider, no one has ever wanted a relationship with me in my own right. My elder brother has started trying since my dad got sick, however the eldest has not.
Funnily another thing I’m criticized by my mother for is that I have a sponsored child, his name is Ivan, he’s 3 years old and a massive cutie. (He’s Sierra Leonean) Thank God he’s cute because since I sponsored him he’s been a stick to beat me with so much so I have often wanted to drop the sponsorship. This is because I’m sponsoring another person’s child who I don’t know their circumstances and yet I refuse to look after my nieces and nephews.
However I need to toughen up because at the end of the day, I didn’t go raw. I wasn’t the one having an orgasm Valentines day so I’m not responsible for the kid that shows up 9 months later. There is a happy medium where I can be an auntie, without being and “Auntie” I’m a fun auntie, Fun auntie Annie. I funnily enough had an Auntie Annie, short for Juliana. She was my dad’s older sister, and is the daughter of my grandma Annetta, who this blog is named after. (something I realised at 30 is that Juliana is the mix of the names Julius and Annette. My grandfather was called Julius and my grandmother was called Annette) But this standard is not something I will ever let slip. If you don’t want to be with my personality you don’t deserve to see the colour of my money.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother-Smith.