I believe in a thing called love…

“Just listen to the rhythm of my heart…” if you know, you know. #lovedarkness.

I got a new job. What would usually be met with jubilation has been met with calm. I deserved it. I was the best candidate from the start and they spent 2 weeks fucking around to make me lose interest, utterly breaking my heart before actually getting on one knee and doing what they should have done on the 1st of July. Ridiculous. It hurt like a motherfucker though.

I knew I was the best candidate from the jump. I quoted a 2018 interview by the CEO in the first stage interview, I had done trend analysis on their annual statements and read all their annual statements since inception. I had donated to the charity to see how their donation process worked to see if that was what needed improving as their donations went down last year. I was thorough. Things 99% of people don’t do to secure a job, I did it, why? Because the cause actually matters to me. My dad volunteered in Brixton Prison (the office is in Brixton) and I know what happens if this particular cause fails… they end up there. I got into one of the schools that they partner with and most of my class went to that school, including people who would have been eligible for their help. So this cause matters to me. But oh hell was I going to take disrespect.

What happened was I breezed through first and second stage and was invited to third stage. I was the only candidate to do so. But someone got sick after 1st stage and was invited to second stage over a week after the second stage concluded. But after I’d gone to 3rd stage. Which meant that I was waiting 2 weeks for them to decide if they liked this other chick before finally saying yes to me.

I describe it as akin to meeting the parents and being at the alter and then the groom asking to kiss one of the bridesmaids before marrying you to see if you really can be the only one for him… disrespectful. So I started entertaining other suitors. I eventually said yes, because I trully loved the cause. I’m a bit more cautious with my love now. Because I believe that love was taken for granted and I gave the recruitment agent both barrels for that one. But it taught me a lot about love, I would be in high love with someone only for me to get high key betrayed and then accept them when they acquiesced to my demands. I have higher standards now. I love me, but I’m still learning. If I wanted to be prideful, I could have rejected them, and lived in the world of “what if.” But for once, I’m following my passions, following my heart. They care and I care too. I want to see how this goes. I know I can do the job, I’ve got a runway and a half to succeed and I’m not going to be broken by the time I join. That’s the main thing I’m working on. Not being broken.

It has reminded me of my dating life.

I’ve been talking to 2 guys at the same time (shock horror)

One I found particularly attractive. Tall, Romanian, slim… at least he was slim when he took his profile pictures. he's a bit more portly now. not totally dad bod, but getting there. Just graduated Cambridge. The silent one. God knows I’ve been chasing him. I’ve stopped because there is only so many times a girl can want. I basically wanted to avoid going out with a guy on the week of my father’s anniversary. So I pushed for last weekend, which happened to be when he was graduating from Cambridge.

Then there was the one who I’d get along with mentally. He’s a physicist, and is way way way smarter than me. I thought I wanted a man who is smarter than me. And I do. I just want him to be socialised like a normal person too. This guy I may be his first date. He tried to kiss me on 3 occasions during the first date and on the third time he succeeded. I was not willing.  There will be no second date. I could date him, but he gave off predator vibes, and I’m not into “fixing” men anymore.

Ultimately my love was for dude 1. I haven’t been out with him so I don’t know if I really wanted him yet, but what this job interview has taught me is that I will one day fall in love. I will get the ring…  but it will hurt first and I’ll need to stop giving so much in order to get.

Harsh words, but I’m no mans “come up girl” I live my own life and I value myself.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.