Divorced from reality-Part 2
If you could write a love letter to yourself, what would it say? Would you tell yourself it will be okay?
Would you tell yourself to dance in the rain?
I sure as hell wouldn’t. I would tell myself I will survive, not that it will be okay. Not a lot of my life is okay at present. I try to live my life with grace and courage. Asking a guy about his preferences took balls. Especially listening to the answers. And the probability. I have come to the opinion that good men exist, and in large quantities my type of man exists and it is a mine waiting to be tapped. I just don’t know where to start digging. Follow your passions? Okay. I’ve spent days in museums learning new things. I love learning, so seemed like a reasonable place to start… and there were good men there. Not stunningly attractive like this guy was (his features were symmetrical and well proportioned and that made him quite possibly the handsomest guy I have ever met. Or at least remember meeting) my teens I spent in an all girls school, followed by a torturously mixed sixth form. So many guys, who didn’t look twice at me, being fair I was beyond plain Jane. I was modest as hell, had no idea how to talk to guys and my walls were roughly 100ft high. Why? I have few ideas.
The first most practical of which was my parents were in no way shape or form entertaining the idea of a male presence in my life before I turned 18. I invited a male friend to my carol service just after my 18th birthday. My parents allowed it to happen because it was church. Remember the fun once a term thing? Yeah this dude was for sure going to get me skinned because his birthday was the 10th of October, he invited me and other friends to pizza express. Then he invited the same people to a movie night at halloween. 2 social occasions???? And I’d invited him to my own birthday? Was this a frat house???? What kind of Satan was this? To compound this wickedness at Christmas, on the last day of term we organised a Pizza Hut meal at lunch when classes finished early for the same friendship group. But my parents don’t know about that one so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything. That was the first and only time I was friends with boys. They weren’t attractive boys, but they were male. That’s 5 social events in the first term of my A levels. No wonder I failed. Don’t worry I had no more fun until after my exams. And I believe I’ll take some of that to my grave. Best left alone. But why was I so afraid of the male gender? There is a reasonable argument that I spent 4 months of my life living with a legit rapist. There was the monolith argument that I couldn’t focus on more than one thing so it needed to be my education. There was also the argument that I had a friend… yep we’ve all had that friend… the hoe. Who you are trying desperately not to be like because you see her crying down the phone because Boy X or V or F has slept with her then broken her heart despite pleading with her that he is different… in all honesty I’m glad I didn’t have sex in my teens. Because you give a whole lot for essentially nothing. You do it because society expects you to because it’s “legal” regardless of your emotional capacity to deal with the situations that come out of it. And I’m not even talking pregnancy/STI.
My intuition is way off. I only look at men I can pity and I am not in fact attracted to men I pity. But they are the only ones who speak to me. Not sure why? I’m a beautiful, intelligent, kind, caring, and tenacious AF. I’m financially successful and don’t need to be provided for. So I’m unattainable for 90% of men out there. They’re not my type. I don’t go for black guys because I tend to pity them. They’re not attractive to me and we’d have nothing to talk about. But then again, those guys don’t want me to talk…. So it doesn’t matter to them. The men I am attracted to I have no access to. I know they are out there. But I’m not even at square one when it comes to finding these men. They have interests, what are they? They have to eat. Where do they eat? They have to work, where do they work? Wherever they are, I seem to be missing them. I only need to be lucky enough to meet one who is single and likes me back. That seems increasingly like a needle in a haystack situation.
But like I said. I am just glad to have met a unicorn today. Magic exists.
Grace and courage
Annetta Mother Smith