Divorced from Reality-Part 1
Fortune favours the brave. I had a “shoot my shot” moment with a guy I actually found attractive with utterly hilarious results.
Picture it. It’s 8:55pm on a summer’s evening. She spots a guy who she actually likes the look of. Hair akimbo, makeup minimal. Cardigan off her sleeve and 2 bags. We’re both coming out of Green Park Station. I’m there to take some air after I missed my train because I bought KFC for a homeless man. I was regretting my choice because I had an hour between trains. “God is not going to bless you for it” I chided myself. “He’s a black man, no one else would see his humanity” another voice piped in. Then “it’s not your job to pity black men. You’d already helped one homeless man today” completely distracted by… male. Tall, dark hair, brown jacket in a rather perfect colour, brown is so easy to get wrong in terms of jackets, in terms of clothing in general. But his outfit was well put together. He passes me. No look. I’m just happy to see a man I like the look of. So I decided to talk to him. Really I wanted to know if a woman such as myself actually appears on his radar. Also I wanted to know if I could talk to a man I’m genuinely attracted to. Spoiler alert the answer is no. I asked him his age and if he’s ever considered black women. He hasn’t, he is married. I asked if he would if he was a single man. I knew before I opened my mouth the chances of me getting this guy were roughly in the decimal places in terms of percentage success rate. But it made me realise something. One. I have actually no idea how to deal with men I actually want. I’m operating in a different universe. I’m so used to seeing men I’m not attracted to, that even if the man has one tiny characteristic I latch onto it like the tentacles of an octopus. I’m very much operating in a lack mindset. My only saving grace was that I was calm and cool about it. Took my rejection on the chin because it was academic. If he’d said yes I was screwed. I was at Buckingham palace and I needed to be on my train in 25 minutes, which was made all the harder because Green park tube station ticket machine quite literally ate my ticket. Along with the preceding 3. The ticket operator ripped my ticket in 2 trying to prise the machine open so I knew I’d have to explain myself to each guard at each station I came at. I’m mainly glad I didn’t have snot running down my nose or a massive food stain from the meal I had or some other basic 13 year old girl mistake. Hugely eye opening though. It has taught me just how much I have been settling. This guy was like Dionysus compared to my ex husband and any other guy that I have gone on (one) date with. I truly believed men like that didn’t exist. No wonder he’s married. And by being married he proves that men like that are open to commitment. So essentially what I have been doing is surrounding myself with ugly dudes from the internet. Then wondering why I am cold to that advance. I forgot I was red blooded. It’s not about shooting my shot. That wasn’t what it was. I’m no home wrecker, I romanticise my life because dreams are better than reality. But I’m under no illusion that some guy I saw for less than 1 minute whilst I looked like I’d dragged myself through the streets of London (which I had) was going to look at me, fall in love and propose marriage in a timeline agreeable to my ovaries. No, this was in fact me quite literally talking to a unicorn. A handsome man, who was tall and attractive to me. I can confirm that he wouldn’t look at me, because he’s married. But it was wonderful to talk to a man my own age. It was so wonderful to interact with someone. Even if I look like crap, to think of myself as a potential life mate for another person. Rather than a worker or employee. I have that dimension to me and I appreciated it having its 5 seconds in the sun.
He awakened a part of me I didn’t truly believe existed. Someone who got what she wants. Before speaking to him, that part of me was dead.
It was divorced from reality
Grace and courage
Annetta Mother Smith