Dip hip dudes

I, if I have not already said this, am fundamentally unattracted to effeminate men. I’m not saying that the man should roll in the dirt just before the date, not shave or wash. What I am saying is that if you have more hips than me, then “Huston, we have a problem.”

I went on a date with this guy. He had broad shoulders (BIG TICK) but was my first experience of a man who is 5ft 10 inches. As it happens the height gap is not wide enough. I’m 5 ft 8 and in a one inch heel sandals I was eye level with this guy. Which means I don’t get to be a girly girl and be on my tiptoes when I hug him. Sad. So… the date went well, and I liked him (I’m writing this post split and heaven knows you know why that happened.) He had long hair and had worn it loose, when the date was over he walked me to the train station and as we were saying goodbye through the train doors he lifted his hands to put his hair back in a bun and the stomach just dropped… Instant dislike but it made me think of other things. I am a study of peoples body shapes so here I go. I’m going to start with my fellow women first then I’m going to go forth and give the men hell. Body shapes became a fascination for me when I learnt to sew, and I got to sew to suit my figure. Also, my ex husband was unusually misshapen and when you have to shop for clothes for someone who is actually weirdly shaped you spend a lot of time noticing these things.

Ladies.

Apple ladies. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are essentially built like a man. You lack hips and therefore don’t have a classically feminine shape. Now there are many things that can be done about this because you are still, beautiful and lovingly made. However boxy outfits and suits that are meant to look masculine are not your friend. You are drawing attention to the painfully obvious. Preplum and pleats are your friends. Trousers are not, neither are straight or fitted skirts and dresses. I say this with love.

I remember being outside the Lyceum theatre in London when I saw a woman in what was a man’s Lords-esque cricket jacket. It was blue, her trousers were white. I genuinely thought she was a man from behind. It was when she flicked her blond hair I realised she was a woman. I was embarrassed and I hadn’t even said anything to her.

If you have breasts and nothing else going for you (typical apple shape) please don’t put it in everyone’s faces. We get it, you have one stand out feature. You have no hips or waist or ass. But please get over yourself.  I have breasts too. Don’t see me bitching about it.

Now we come to my own figure. Saved the most problematic for last. I have a classically West African figure. Big arms, big hips, big bottom, waist is okay, small bust. Thank you ancestors…I guess. Everyone wants a woman with big hips until they are paying £40 for jeans every 3-4 months because their jeans rip in the inner thigh because they have big thighs that give her the big hips. Are you paying for this dude? No, then shut up about my thighs. I too am guilty of fashion crimes. I wear jeans for ease, however trousers of any sort do not suit me. I should wear skirts. My waist doesn’t go in as much as I’d like, its pretty average. So its just an average waist then all of a sudden there is big hips and thighs. Skirts and dresses mean you look at my legs a lot more, and that too is a feature of my body. I have reasonably long legs which saves my ass (literally) from those stumpy thick thighs getting too much attention. Fitted is good for me, especially when I am wearing shapewear to get my waist in order. Then we talk about my big ass arms. Thank you once again ancestors…for screwing me. My arms mean that I need to get a size bigger than I actually wear for tops. It also means I hate showing my arms and so I have a wardrobe of almost exclusively long sleeve tops. I’m still working on removing arm fat. It will be a life long war with weights and against cake (at last count, today, cake won 2-0)

Gentlemen.

Guys for the most part have good figures. However there is a worrying trend. In women, we are getting more busty and less curvaceous, men are getting….more curvaceous. What is with all these dudes with hips. I see more men with hourglass figures than women??? Don’t worry I am completely aware of anatomy, everyone’s smallest part is their waist and they get bigger at the hips, but what I am noticing is that men are increasingly putting on weight on their hips. I’m not happy about the beer belly dudes either. My ex was one of them, but hell, this is messed up. I feel like men are exposed to more oestrogen and they are getting breasts (we all know about man-boobs) and now hips. I disapprove. I disapprove greatly. This needs to stop. Get your ass to the gym. You don’t see healthy sized men with hips. Also, I’m insecure. I’m a C cup at best and when a man is racing me to become a B cup I become distinctly uncomfortable. Call me a bitch but I want to have the biggest breasts in the relationship. Don’t see me racing him to get a dick.

Men are also having the “square” figure. Rounded shoulders, no defined waist, wide hips. Not attractive either. I believe that is due to a lack of muscle tone.

I’m not sure where I stand on the “male sexualisation” thing.

Female sexualisation is a fairly well accepted concept. Women make themselves appear more sexual to attract “the male gaze”

I dislike the idea of sexualising someone’s son in a “race to the bottom” kind of way, however I wish men would put in more work to be handsome. I can discern if you are sexy for myself. If you get yourself to handsome. But you aren’t getting to handsome. So many of them aren’t into grooming and the weight of the obesity crisis that has hit the UK is visible on their faces. I’m not being metaphorical here. There are dudes (ex included) with chipmunk faces. Who wants to shag a rodent? Get that weight off your face? By the way, I say that as someone who is really critical of the weight of my own face. I think I’d be prettier sans about 10kg, as the weight would be gone from my face too. So I’m not going after you and not removing the plank from my own eye.

There is a distinct lack of muscle tone here that I require. Women are traditionally soft and squishy, womanhood and eventual childbirth that it points to is made for us to be a different type of strong. A flexible strong, not a muscular strong. Men however are meant to be a muscular type of strong. And I resent the fact that the dudes are reengaging on their end of the bargain. I’m curvaceous, where the hell are my Henry Cavill men at? (that gents, is the kind of broad I mean when I say I need someone with broad shoulders. He is also what I mean when I say I need someone tall. When I say I’m not attracted to dudes who carry weight on their faces and have double chins I want men to have chins like him.  He has one chin, and its chiselled AF. And I want to thank God for it…Everyday😊) At least I have my fantasies. But it comes to a serious point. If I’m having to guess which one of us is the woman in the relationship, both emotionally and physically, it is not a relationship I can be in.

Level up gents.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith