You are going to have problems when you get married

Harsh but truthful words from a friend. I’m glad for friends like Catherine, because they keep you honest. This is the accountability culture that the internet is always talking about. She’s the first person I’ve told about my favour and the only person who’s here for me and only me. I’m genuinely glad for her words because it’s the first real words I’ve heard outside of the “echo chamber” of “It’s a good thing to do because it ensures stability for 3 children” Its also the first words I’ve heard on my specific circumstances.

This follows on from my “Better have my money” post. Where I described making a huge personal sacrifice for a friend of the family.

The enormity of my actions should not be taken lightly. But it seems to be, I personally am not too proud to admit that I feel taken advantage of. The favour is financial and only possible because I’m a single woman and they’re hoping that it will be a while before I marry and settle down because that would allow them some time to get established. I’m content in knowing that when the time comes for me to be married, I’ll just pull out of the situation. I’m not obligated for life. But certainly a good few years. Which I don’t take lightly.

I need to talk about why I may have problems going forward in marriage.

I’m very much like my dad. My dad married my mum at 39 and was a late bloomer socially. He also had problems with the word no and that led to poverty and poor decision making. A lot of people are were they are now because of Mr Smith’s sacrifices but I’m also where I am now, i.e. without a father, because of Mr Smith’s sacrifices and that is what matters most to me. I don’t care about them, I care about me. The reason I mentioned my dad’s age at marriage was because he was the youngest child of 3 and he had most importantly 2 sisters.

In some West African traditions, (Asante Ghanaian and Creole Sierra Leonean.) Your sister’s children have an almost elevated status for you as a man because they are always your relatives. Your brother’s children may not be, because there’s the inherent suspicion that his wife could be cheating on him, but your sister, even if she cheats with another man, that child will always be your relative and in so, men often prioritise their sister’s children over their own because before the advancement of DNA testing, the female line you could always prove. But you could never prove who the father was. My dad used to quote the Cameroonians in saying “Mother baby, father maybe”

All of that was context to say, my dad prioritised his 2 sisters children (4 kids in all) over and above his own and most famously over me. But his sisters were aware of this tradition and worst of all his older sister Patricia took huge advantage of it. She hated all of his kids, because she saw us as diverting resources away from her child as if I’d never been born, my dad would have spent 100% of him money on her and her family rather than 70%.

So lets bring it back to me. Why do I believe that I will have problems with my marriage? Because its not in anyone’s specific interests for me to be happy, settled and successful. My parents had an unhealthy level of co-dependency and I realise now that they couldn’t let me be happy and my true self because they needed me to be the “safe dependable child” or the “Ab Hope” child.

Your “Ab Hope “ child means “to have hope” in Creole. This is the kid you are pinning your dreams on and is a deeply toxic concept. Back in the day people would do what is essentially spread betting with their kids, hoping one of them would be successful, but that’s essentially a scattergun approach.

Which brought about the “ab hope child” you would concentrate more of your resources on the most intelligent/eldest/only child and then hope that child would become successful. It would backfire if the child then didn’t become successful or if another child became successful and you were to obvious about your favouritism and the kid was spiteful. But ultimately the whole concept was based around the parents securing financial security in old age. Your “Ab Ope “ child would ultimately take care of you.

I have for a long time known that I have been my parents Ab Hope. I remember when I was 7 I wanted a goldfish for my birthday. My mum took me to the pet shop and I picked out Rosie. I got to carry Rosie out of the petshop in a little bag all the way home. At one point we were crossing the road and I was still watching Rosie in her little clear bag. My mum yanked me out the road saying “please don’t kill me, na you na me ab hope” Please don’t kill me, you are my hope.

When I was married my parents backed off a little bit, but they still exerted a large manner of control. It was stifling and very stressful and as I said it’s a chip on my shoulder when it comes to dating. Everyone has baggage, but few people are able to manage the intensity levels of “African mum” especially when that African mum is dealing with the roof over her own head.

Ultimately my parents wanted me to be married but still pliable. It’s the “But still pliable” part that means I will have problems in my future relationships unless I cut ties. West African culture means that your children are your pension. West African mum’s do extra-ordinary things for their children because their future financial prosperity and overall happiness is critically linked to the child’s. This is a toxic trait because it takes a special type of cold hearted person, or a person of exceptional boundaries to let their parents sit in their sins. So you support your parents and deprive your own children and the cycle goes on.

Ultimately the Bible is right on this. A slave can’t serve 2 masters. I can’t serve both my parents and community and my husband. I know which one I will pick. The choice is not easy, but it is necessary. Its going to take Grace and Courage, from everyone.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.