Transparency… how will I know?

Firstly the names of the people have been changed but this is an important learning experience for you. I sent this to friends to discuss my behaviour and feelings. The subtlety and nuance of a love story, but here it is. The story of Jake and Bea. The facts, the feelings, the story of us.

I have a standing question? How do you know that you are in love? I am not a big feeler. I don’t trust butterflies in the stomach. I didn’t have those. I did have hope though. Felt that in my chest. A small bubble of hope that would make my heart soar. Soar, as in lift not the regular sore from the battering ram that is life. It was nice to feel something other than pain. My heart…beat. For the first time? Actual pulse quickening. Waiting for him to drop some fun. He was consistent. He doesn’t bring the party, he is the party. This time was different. It is a long established truism that I didn’t love or hold any interest in the other one. I barely tolerated him. But Jake? I barely looked at his face. I just enjoyed him. I found him handsome. But that isn’t what attracts me to him. As in he is very handsome. But it’s his energy, the volume and the rawness of it that makes him enigmatic. His face? It was the last thing I looked at. You don’t get a chance. There’s too much energy, too much fun to be had. So I soaked myself in enjoyment first. I enjoyed seeing him happy. And it was only then would l occasionally look at his face. His profile? Handsome. Strong jaw, regular features. His eyes? Brown. Wise. Deep. Also mischievous. His hair? Long. Like I like it. His height? Perfect. 6ft 2. Did he understand me? Yes. How did this start? 3 words. Non. Threatening. Looks. 

Day 1. Tuesday 18th October

Tuesday 18th October. I had meetings with him all day. In a group setting. He kept looking at me. Kept using my name. But it wasn’t threatening. Why have I always perceived threat (real and imagined) by almost any man I have encountered? I know damn well why. But this time was different. He looked at me. Repeatedly. Kept making eye contact. Yet it was not threatening. He was only being friendly, yes? How come I was so okay with it? Any other man... In fact every other man I have held that much eye contact with, I have run for the hills from. I don’t tend to make eye contact with men. So he is unique in that this man saw the colour of my eyes. I know damn well my eyes are brown. But I don’t ever look at another person for long enough for them to clock it. My eyes are a dark brown. A shade of black just hinting brown. I need almost direct sunlight into my eyes for you to see the beautiful brown it can be. A warm. Stunning brown. Jake saw those eyes. My eyes at their lightest, are his eyes at their darkest. My ex didn’t see those eyes. Jake has an uncanny ability to see into my soul. I felt it during my interview. I remember him asking me if I was going to come into the office 2 times a week. When I say that man stared into my soul when I responded. I answered honestly. Damn well have better. He’d sus me out if I didn’t. I said I could go into the office as often as needed. (I was there 5 days a week) I remember him fumbling over our good bye when I left my interview. He shook my hand and said “I’m sure we’ll be seeing you soon” and looking directly into my eyes. I saw his eyes, the sun had hit them, they were a warm brown. We stumbled for a bit trying to make it seem not like a certainty that I had the job like he was implying. And all the while we just kept shaking hands…

But that day, October 18th I remember because I had SLT with Jake and  8 other people. He mentioned my name at least 3 times. It was on the 3rd time I started to clock. Started to count from there. Then I immediately after had a FOPs meeting (Finance and Operations) meeting and again. There were other people in that meeting. Yet. Here he was. At his finest. Resplendent with his big, Labrador eyes. Brown and full of laughter. See? Not threatening. Not sexual. Just full of fun. I don’t have a lot of fun. Yet I prize it highly. With my ex I would force myself to laugh. To see humour in his stupid statements. With Jake? He was targeting my humour directly? I love the sky…I must have mentioned that meeting how much meaning I place on the heavens… because I had seen a rainbow that day, so next meeting he plays  the song “I can see clearly now the rain has gone” only for me. He then asked me if I was a weather what would I be. I replied “Stormy, my mind was full of storms with flashes of thunder like Molinjir, I Said I’d done a photoshoot with Thors hammer and he said “I definitely want to see that” so I brought in a picture from my photoshoot under the guise of “bring a picture with a story.” He brought a picture of him as a kid dressed up for Halloween where immediately after he  looked in the mirror and burst out crying. It was funny and sweet. He didn’t know me. He still doesn’t. Yet everything he said was funny… he wasn’t trying to make me laugh. He was just being lighthearted. That meeting of the 18th? He asked our favourite songs and I picked “pump me up” by Krosfyah. Old school SOCA that appeals to my heart. It reminds me of innocent times. Simple enjoyment. Everyone commented. Including Jake. “I didn’t know you were into Soca!” Surprised I would like something like that. The look he gave me… Warm. Adoring. He thought I was special. I am. It was a bold choice. My song was from 1994 everyone else picked songs from the past year. R&B. Drill. God knows. That day he pretended not to be able to get his card into the card reader for a banking transaction so I would fix it for him. I was in a call so I didn’t clock what he was doing until afterwards. From there on he’d keep the card and reader in his bag in case I wanted something. It was around this time that he’d walked me to Brixton station, one time.” You know where it is yeah?” So we talked about our weekends and we then got on the tube, we couldn’t talk anymore. The look he gave me was gorgeous, just content to be with me, even for one stop, it was beautiful and pure. I remember one time he said “don’t be caught slipping guys… learn Mandarin”(we were discussing languages.) I have for years wanted to learn Mandarin and I laughed for days. Every time I think of that day I still laugh. It’s still funny. Why is that funny? I don’t know. But no one else can say it and I would laugh. Next. Let’s discuss happy memory number one. Me. Swooning for the first time in my life. Why? Jake. Who I didn’t even know back then grabbed his arm. Yep. He had his hair loose. He was lifting heavy boxes in the back room and he had to answer the door for a delivery. He grabbed his own arm to self comfort. His muscles I assume must have ached. He’s not particularly muscular, or if he is I haven’t noticed. He plays football. But that’s once a week. He bragged more than he plays. Next happy memory? The residential is when I really fell for him. Again I didn’t know him back then. But he would walk me to and from my sessions, He’d talk to me occasionally. Again. Non threatening. Not even spectacular conversations. Just someone looking out for me. I felt like it was for no one else. Just me. It may well have been for my whole group. But because I was in his directorate he looked after me. It was simple. Act of service. It was kind. He was at my back. A solid, guarding presence. I appreciated it. But that isn’t the memory. The memory is of me watching a football game to be social… I hear him bellow across the room… “Oi Ref! Are you alright fam?” I laughed for ages. I didn’t even catch the ref’s decision. I just loved the exuberance of it. So natural. Could be said by a man 10 years younger. (I I didn’t know his age at the time.) Another time him talking about Tony Blair and stateless ness.  The only person who I know who not only shares my true political beliefs but is bold enough to say them. Him talking about “the end of the empire…” “everyone is a Tory…” Him giving me book recommendations… turns out that’s a fast track to my heart. A man that reads is one of my top wants. I love a man with a keen mind and a thirst for knowledge. It’s attractive that he keeps his mind sharp as a sword. It means that I can always learn from him. And learn I did. Him giving me flight suggestions. Recommendations for my birthday meal with mum.  All his suggestions were always perfect for me. I started really rating his advice and would seek it out. How I got into attack on titan, I was going to read the manga but he talked about the anime so I decided to give it a go. Husbandry, “turn the heating off when you leave, yeah.” With such authority knowing that he would be obeyed. Walking in and out of the office with the energy of 3 men. One time someone left the office unlocked…they were afraid of the bollocking Jakewas going to hand down… “say your hellos’…” he commanded “Jazz grassed you up… still… I beg you make sure the alarm is on and the door is locked or I will need to come down and sort it out on a weekend…” calm. Fair. Just.

Him talking about his godson had me swooning for the second time in my life how broody it made him. Him talk about his sister, how he gives her money and she writes him book reports. “She’s spending bear of my money, yeah” but also being proud and happy when she spent his money to buy him a bookmark with his name in Japanese. His love for his “Nan.” Showing his tender side. Him talking about a young person he’d cared for who had gone off the rails. His love for humanity. Him telling me what resonated with him in my interview. Him also teasing me about my interview… he remembers more of it than me. Him ditching work to go to the court dates and visit the man who he’d looked after  in prison. The strength of his character. All of which are 10/10. He’s actually very authoritarian, except when it comes to following rules himself. Needing to see him when I needed help. Knowing I would have his ear and his unflinching opinion. Dear Lord I wanted him to be less tough. But he was too fair for that. He’ll tell you straight up that he thinks you are wrong. And I respected him for it. I also never wanted to change him. I’m too old for that. I knew if he only became more obstinate in later life, that I would be content. The inner knowing that life would be good with him and he would be the head of the household. Which is something I have always wanted. To know life will be good with that person. Not easy. But good. The peace that came with knowing that I could be the woman, to be a woman rather than the masculine provider that I have been. Knowing he’d naturally take command of the problem and it wouldn’t be my burden anymore. A problem shared is a problem halved. Having a man you could rely on to have your best interests at heart. But he’s also the same person that I felt I could go to and tell him he was wrong. Again, I had never done that before. Why did I feel safe with this man? When did that feeling start? I can give you exact dates. After the 18th October. He built trust on the 31st October. Big time.

Day 2. 31st October

 I needed to see him. I was drowning and I instinctively knew that I needed to see him. I remember I was trying to wait until the Thursday. The 3rd. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t wait 3 days to see him. I was drowning in work and I knew somehow that seeing him would make it better. So I booked it for the Monday. We went for a walk. A business meeting walk. But a walk. I saw a yellow rose. Picked it up. It’s the eternal symbol of my dad. Dad was with me on the walk. Dad approved of his successor. Why did “ seeing him make it better?” Let’s explore that. 

Bearing in mind I had already ridden the the curve of work. My workload was lessening. But my hard work made my life better… I didn’t feel better until I saw him. I wasn’t in love with him at the time. Or attracted to him. I think because he’d proven himself in other ways I knew I could rely on him and he didn’t disappoint. I went toe to toe with him.  We can argue and disagree and yet it’s not a violence. It brings clarity for me at least. We sure as hell know what the other is thinking. As a result I know more about him and his opinions on things than my own friends. He’s also the man I have been most honest with. Been genuine from the start. As in more than genuine, more like vulnerable. Because he can see into your soul if he cared to look. I can honestly say he knew me more than my ex ever did. But because he kept proving he was worth the wait. I liked the fact that we walked side by side. He made me laugh joking about my heels. It also meant when I needed to talk about the harder stuff that I didn’t need to look at him. Because he kept laying down facts. My esteem for him grew. He also managed to do it while making me laugh and also stretching out a tendon he’d injured. He’s handsome but I never could say I was attracted to him because what I felt for him transcends attraction. Nor did I look at his face that day. Anyway. He didn’t make me feel better with his words, he gave me a bit of time to think. To assert myself. Like I said. He’s a fighter and I often feel like I’m fighting with him. Not fighting against him. We’re on the same team. We spar. Not fight. He’s sharp as hell. It’s not point scoring though. “Healthy tension” between us he calls it. It’s because I can trust him that there’s no point scoring. Even though I knew most of what he was saying. He said what needed to be said. He gained my respect by being probing and fair. He didn’t take my side. He challenged me the whole way yet it was not me fighting. I can fight and often I do. But I didn’t need to. So I didn’t. He broke through my fighting spirit which no one else ever has. So we came to agree.

Day 3. 29th November

Next… a night in Manchester. I don’t to this day understand if one snorts or smokes cocaine but either way. Displaying my ignorance was not smart. He told me the difference…I still don’t understand it. It’s not something one can google. Anyway he walked me to my hotel room. Twice. It was fun. At this point I was fully in love. Yet I still wanted to enjoy the England and Wales Game on the 29th November. I arrived…it was just fun. He walked with me to our hotels (his was closer to the office than mine) and then back from the restaurant to the hotel. It was exhilarating. Talking about our fathers. Talking about my parents house. (He’s full of shit he doesn’t know where Farnborough is. He thinks he does, he’s close but no cigar) Talking about the Prophet pbuh. Talking about his vision for FBB…I was enraptured. This is the night he told me that the plan was once for him to be the next CEO of FBB but he turned it down. He wants to go travelling. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Because of him. He did absolutely nothing to impress me. But it was pleasant conversation where we could collide and as seasoned debaters neither took offence. I respect his opinion. So when he spoke about the prophet, I made a mental note to ask Hajarah about what he’d said. I had never heard the prophet being referred to as a rebel. I understood that it appealed to Jake’s  soul. I respected his opinion and knew that being Jake. He had backed that up with some serious research and personal work. I know he’d “gone his own way” before. He’d been drinking Guinness at the game. So that meant something to me. He didn’t kiss me goodnight or anything. He was on his phone trying to get food at 10pm at night… meanwhile I was in my element. I know I’m having a good time when I am able to instinctively get myself home. Dad used to say… “A Griffin never gets lost twice” (he may want to have me paternity tested) but I can only ever do it when I’m following instinct. When I am in my flow state. I’m rarely (read never) like that around other people. But him? Yeah. I got us home. (To my home) the next week was my mid-probation review. I took it seriously. Put actual introspection into it and said how I didn’t feel safe at work. I was unflinching because I knew that’s the only way of going toe to toe with Jake. I didn’t care what Jack thought. I put thought into it because I respected the advice and coaching he’d given me and wanted him to know. But beforehand he sat me down and gave me the heads up about what to expect.” I’m collating the feedback for your mid year review… Sit down” I sat, put in my place… but not in a bad way, more like a commander and I actually quite like it. The directness means there’s no ambiguity as to what is going to happen next. , “it’s nothing bad, just want you to know the points we’re discussing tomorrow” . It was just nice, professional curtesy, so I wasn’t ambushed. I don’t do well ambushed. Again, professional meeting, but I felt like he cared enough to think in advance of my wellbeing. An important meeting meant I would want to be prepared. Then two weeks later when my mum’s house flooded… it was him I called. Twice. I didn’t know what to do. But I called him before listening to Jack. Because it was his opinion that matters to me. 

Unlocking other happy memories. We were in a meeting someone in Manchester was standing up online to speak “why are you standing like Speaker’s corner?” Only I understood the reference. I laughed for days. Or his laughter at the Christmas party. Like honey,  “this is what I am like at home” or when be gave me a kinder bueno  bar and I legitimately thought he’d swiped it from the fridge because men in that office are Kleptomaniacs. I asked around whose it was before concluding he had actually bought it and so was at liberty to give it to me.

Joe’s birthday. 27th October

This was a week after his birthday on the 27th. Funny. I can’t say I was in love with him when it was the meeting of the 31st. October. Yet for this birthday I bought 4 cakes. Again, because I enjoy cake and I wanted him to have a good birthday. I even bought him his favourite strawberry cheesecake. I wanted to contribute to his present that his direct reports had bought him. This was my contribution. Only one other man has ever motivated me to want to bring a smile to him. That man is my dad. Jake reminds me of my dad. Dad liked to be cherished. Spoiled. It’s the only way I know how to love. With dad it was always so easy to love him, to spoil him and Jake is equally easy to love. I really enjoyed the for the first time love actually made sense. I could understand his love language and he could understand mine. For both of us it’s acts of service and for him it was ribbing me and teasing me. Mine is gifts. Always has been. It’s also nice that because we have the same love language it meant for once I felt I was good at love, good at showing affection because for neither of us our language is physical touch. Which I always felt was a barrier to many relationships with men. I don’t like being touched but I don’t mind initiating touch. Something so simple as being good at showing affection in a way that the other person understands so naturally was joyous for me. I was understood:. . I thought he liked me at that point and I liked… his personality. I was at that time starting to enjoy my “Jake days” I quickly realised this was a sort of drug and sought to caution myself. But I would enjoy every single time we encountered each other. 

So at his birthday I got everyone to sing happy birthday because he’d locked his team in a strategy meeting in the front room for the day. Prepared the cakes and stressed myself herding sheep in the form of colleagues to do something they’d already agreed to. In the end he was happy and he came and chatted to me in the kitchen. “ sorry if my face doesn’t look like I’m enjoying it. I really am. Thank you for the cakes. “ afterwards I prepared a “goody bag” for the birthday boy. I had messed up. One of the cakes was coffee and Walnuts. One of his favourites but head of Operations is hugely allergic to nuts.  So I didn’t open that cake. Added a few other bits in, I have no recollection of what. And gave it to him. I had had a long week. So I just put out my hand with the bag in it. And left… I was done. It’s not that I didn’t want to be nice and wish him a happy birthday. But I’d walked in singing happy birthday with not one but 3 full sized cakes and 3 cheesecakes. I’d also convinced 20 other people to sing and make merry for him too. So…I’m good. If he didn’t know I wished him well in the years to come. Then that wasn’t the time to tell him.

Day 4 21st December.

The Christmas party was next. No heating or hot water so I booked a hotel for the night. Rushel and I were meant to go to London. Then there was something wrong with her husband so she had to cancel. I got prepped in my black dress and leather jacket. I, again wanted to enjoy myself. That dress looks killer on me. Coupled with that jacket very few people in the world can beat me on a good day. And it was a good day. At the Christmas party we didn’t speak. He was presenting a quiz. He was trying to round everyone up. I was late. Google maps played me like a fiddle. By the time I got there I needed to call an Uber. The first Uber I have ever called for myself. I was done. I just wanted to eat and enjoy… but then the caterers berated me for being late. I wasn’t last… but I didn’t care. The quiz was too long and he did his best but I was already over it, it was too hard to keep the energy for a 50 question quiz. He tried to keep it interesting… but it was mid. You can’t make a silk purse from a sows ear. Afterwards there was secret Santa. I had eaten by this point. Ready to actually enjoy myself. So we stood next to each other at secret Santa. Constantly brushing up against one another and we were in a big room. If we didn’t want to touch… we didn’t have to… like at all, that room had just held 40+ people at lunch and a quiz. I wasn’t touching anyone else. I just stood resolutely in my space. I wasn’t moving. Everyone else shuffled from side to side. Not me. I was at the top of the table and I had a good view and so didn’t want to lose my place. Ciara got Matt candles that were swirling… in the dark apparently they looked like two penis’ to me they looked like those candles my mum bought in the 90’s so I didn’t laugh. Jake was in hysterics. “Ciara…” he said. His laugh was musical to me. Actually musical. There was music playing. But his laugh was the sweetest thing I had heard in ages… so youthful. So silly. So nonchalant. Good for him I thought. Why not laugh at penile candles? You are effectively an 11 year old boy so I’m pretty sure that’s what an 11 year old would find funny, “now you know what I am like at home” he said to me. Afterwards he went home. Everyone went home by 6. I was one of the last at 6:30pm. I didn’t go to the “after party” he hugged me and we parted ways. 

Day 5. 3rd January 2023

Then when we came back from the Christmas break he came into attack mode… we were discussing a Venn diagram. In the centre Jake’s team had put “meaningful interaction with brands” in terms of “what the world needs, what we are good at and what our young people need” I said it didn’t belong there because the world didn’t need it. Jake was formally head of brand. I had not really clocked it. Homeboy came out swinging… for me. I nearly cried. He said “well where YOU are from, people don’t need it” I spiralled. Was he referring to the fact that I was from the countryside? Is it that country people don’t need to interact with brands? Then he defeated his own argument. Was it because the bulk of my experience with kids was with kids younger than our target audience? Also no. Spent 7 years with our target audience… almost as long as him. Overall I have done longer. The exchange hurt me because there was a really scary situation when I was 16 where something bad happened to me over an extended period of time and I could have died. A colleague’s story that morning had reminded me of that time and it was coming flooding back… how I kept it together I don’t know. Tom Bateman joined the melee. But he didn’t hurt me. He didn’t make it personal to me. Afterwards I took Jake to the side and told him he hurt me. “Okay…I’m sorry” and I forgave him. Then more  sparring, he

was proving me right. I realised he was defending his old role. He’d come for me a bit too hard and I checked him for it. I’m not one of the boys… but I felt safe saying it. That day I also thanked him for that time when my mum’s house flooded. I couldn’t use words that day. I found it really hard to talk to him, when I approached him the second time round he was looking at me genuinely worried about what I was going to say. And later that week bollocked him for running his mouth about a time when he was misusing the company debit card. He’d told me that story once… but he couldn’t use it again, it was destroying his credibility as director of People, Operations and Culture. And I told him so. And then again for actually misusing the damn card again. I can and regularly do pull him up when I take him to the side. Like when I critiqued his operational model at scale paper which…was awful. He thanked me for the feedback and put the improvements into the paper. 

Day 6 15th December 2022

So when mum’s house flooded I already had a meeting with him. On the Thursday. Mum’s house flooded the Sunday before. I have thought deeply about why this meeting was so pivotal in my life. It comes down to a few things. 

I asked him for a confidential conversation… I wanted to be able to think… he very slowly, put his laptop screen down. He was looking at me the whole time not knowing what I was going to come out with. Weirdly, looking back that is the most loving thing a man has done for me in years. If not ever…  He did as I asked whilst being concerned for my welfare. He didn’t do what he wanted. He did what I wanted when I needed it.  He didn’t try and control me, or dominate me. He just looked out for me, I was grim. I was serious as hell. Not just serious. Austere, severe. My face was not to be messed with and I knew it. I was done…And watched me. When I am having hard conversations I don’t make eye contact. I stared at the art on the wall the entire time. But he watched. Worried somewhat. He didn’t understand why I needed it to be confidential. I was discussing my team and I wanted it to be a free flowing of ideas. I just wanted to think, without worrying about what I was saying.

He listened, I was drowning and I was saying I needed help and that was the first time in weeks (essentially since our last meeting) when I felt listened to. I rarely like what he has to say on a work front, but it causes me to reflect and I take it anyway. He’s pretty challenging. Very tough. 

He was making eye contact. But that’s not me when I am tired or done. It was the most I had put my sword and shield down all of that week. My mum was homeless, my house was freezing. Jack, my boss had betrayed me on Tuesday and it was affecting me hugely and , my team were running around acting up. But I had my guard up. It was 45 minutes and it gave me hope that I could be the person I joined FBB to be. By the end of it my guard was as far down as it could be and I started to dare to dream. The whole point of joining FBB was to be someone like Jake. Filled with joy, cheekiness, compassion and conviction. 100% authentic, 100% of the time. Because I saw him embody it, it gave me so much hope. I didn’t know how much I needed that time until I was able to unlock my creative writing from it. Never written so much or so deeply. Personal manifesto. Ideology. My vision. My hopes and dreams,  my inspiration. All so vital to me in my motivation. He did nothing with it. I thought it was beautiful. I was kind of disappointed. Then I made it about me. I wrote so many beautiful things. I started to be proud of myself. He may have been the start of my bravery, but I was the cause. I saw the stars that evening in Regent street. Not  Christmas lights. Stars. They came out for me. Light pollution went to hell and I actually felt something other than pain for the first time in weeks. Even before my mum’s house flooded. Stars mean so much to me. They remind me of dad. So much hope for the person I was going to be. I was finally going to develop as a person. Learning from someone I actually wanted to emulate. I was so excited… that was the Thursday… the Friday hit me like a bus. Horrendous. God knows what happened. But I couldn’t take anymore. But he, through 45 minutes of patience had given me enough strength to face a Friday from hell. In fact he’d given me enough hope to get through to my next meeting with him in January. January 16th. 

Day 7 January 16th

Again, I didn’t like what he said. But I was going to write to the chairman. Because Jack was now completely out of order. But I waited to hear what he had to say. And again I took it in… took it on board and reflected… then my house flooded…again, instinct sent me to Jake-not Jack. When I got sick as a result of living in a freezing cold house… I went to Joe, not Jack. Return to work? Jake not  Jack. Working relationships with Jack broken irreversibly? Jake not Jack. Want something done? Always Jake not Jack. Exit interview? Jake not Jack. Even to the end he was a cheeky beggar.  He made it less difficult. Again, he gave me hope of the person I could be. Just by listening to me. I left feeling brave enough to stand by my decision. Whenever he’d use short sentences with me my heart would break. He was all I had in FBB. He wasn’t a friend. More like a reminder of who I am and what I can be. The freedom to be myself. And that person be valued. Everything from singing as he walked to his incredibly balls down statements like “the whole hood wants to know us.” Because an old friend is an influencer who is getting married in the USA. Or when he said “I used to be in the top 2 practitioner’s in the organisation and I wasn’t second…”  Playfully punching the Jack’s friend from Brazil because the guy has “little brother energy” and he needs to get his energy out. It has been a wonder knowing him. A whirlwind. 

1.    Then came the end. He didn’t arrange my leaving party until after Ramadan and I have just requested an investigation into his friend. When I told him at every stage how Jack was treating me it was all “I’ll feed that back” or “you should feed that back” very few of the incidents were enough to launch an investigation but cumulatively it was a harrowing experience. He should have connected the dots. He underestimated how strongly I felt or overestimated his own abilities to placate me. More likely both. Yet I felt like I had let him down by going to the chairman. I wanted more than anything to ask him straight up… “should I do this?” I don’t know why I didn’t tell him sooner about the letter. I wasn’t hiding it from him. I think the person I was at the time of writing it actually didn’t have a realistic expectation of ever sending the letter. It was only afterwards when Jack kept hurting me even after my exit interview that he pushed me so far I sent it. Even mentioning it in my exit interview I didn’t think I would ever send it. I felt if I had been strong. If I had only held true to the ideals he’d taught me. If I had been straight with him and just called him up and asked him what I should do… his opinion matters. He is one of the few people I actually listen to. I actually trust with my development and my life. But he earned that place. I felt like I had offended him.  It hurt me to even be in the possibility of hurting him. It was like he’d recoiled from me when I told him I was sending the letter. It was all in my head of course. But I was still suffering the mental beatings Jack gave me. I so badly wanted to not hurt him, and once I had opened the Pandora’s box of an investigation, I didn’t know what would happen and I wasn’t in control of that. I did my best to protect him from the onslaught . I know Jack will find a way of making this his fault, easiest defence ever.. When my dad was sick I had a quiet work life and I wanted to pass that karma onto him. I couldn’t do that. I became instead the noise. By stepping into my own power. By finally being authentic to myself. For the people. By the people. With the people? For me, by me, with me. The single most powerful thing I have ever done. The second most powerful thing was writing that bombastic leavers letter and reading it to Joe. Reading Jake my favourite poem and my writing. The first time I’ve read my writing out loud to someone and only one of 5 people in the world who have ever read my writing. I was raw. But Jack had me going to Samaritans for my mental health so it wasn’t like I had any energy for pretensions. Why did I feel like it was a trade off? He would not like what he saw if he saw me, still bloodied from her father’s death. Still coming to terms with the scale of abuse her ex put her through? It’s why his solid presence meant so much. It’s the embodiment of who I want to be… but also what I want in a man. The word is abandonment… abandonment of society’s expectations. Abandonment of personal limitations. Abandonment of everything that doesn’t serve you. He’s it. That’s him, that’s why he means so much to me. He proved I could have everything I wanted and it would make me into a different person. Constantly being well loved and taken care of for the rest of my life would turn me into the person I have always dreamt of. Softer, not battle ready all the time. Able to motivate myself through self love not self hate. Not tired all the time. It made me believe in love and my dreams again. For the first time since I was really small. Under 12. That person is long dead, God rest her. I think I remember every single word he has spoken to me. From teasing me about the amount of sugar in my tea, telling me about his sister’s Christmas present to him. Trying to eat my biscuits from a biscuit tin which were actually a pencil case, teasing me about my height on several occasions, picking up on my mannerisms and emulating them. Teasing me about school visits and how I dress top to toe in leather. Misremembering “a Griffin never gets lost twice” turning it into “A Griffin will always find their way. How he liked to feel “useful” then how enthusiastically he’d serve me, I could always rely on him to do things for me, no matter how late. How he needed “ experiences” to rejuvenate, going into a mosh pit at a Kendrick Lemar concert with glasses in hand… doing his sightseeing in Rome at 1am… getting Covid.. Swooning when he would say “Whatchu saying brother?” Or “Salam al kum” because his voice would go so deep… telling my friend Hajarah that that man’s deep voice is the equivalent of sorcery and shouldn’t be allowed… Him arguing with Bateman and saying “are you alright fam?” Him smiling when he’d talk to me. Grinning like a Cheshire Cat when he’d talk about attack on titan and dressing up at Halloween. Him telling me he was screaming at the top of his lungs “For Edward!” at 2am because someone had told him a story about a quest with this guy named Edward and the guy had failed at the last hurdle, so he and Lorenzo took up the quest and he woke his neighbours. Him ribbing me because I go to bed when he has dinner and his evening begins. He’d mention that often. Him and Smokey his cat, him working from bed… him teasing me for rolling my R’s when speaking Creole. “Oi, add me to your Christmas list, yeah?” When I said I was buying presents for 15 kids.  Not just complimenting my bag, but when he found out it was mine, grabbing it and modelling it. He and I racing to Brixton station and him saying he could out walk me if he wants to get his next train (it was a strike) but he didn’t.. his stride is so much longer than mine, being over 6ft but we were going fast and he wanted to walk with me. Finishing a sandwich and saying “I’m gutted I have finished my sandwich”  introducing me to his cousin at 1am when the fire alarm went off in the residential. Being so smart but stumped by the technology in the Wednesday office. Asking me to be a honorary member of Operations and filling in for his team like I it was an unreasonable expectation of me. Going under my desk to sort out my laptop cables. Him walking past a big mirror and exclaiming “damn i need a shave!” Starts touching his face… someone says he looks fine. “Nah man I get by on my looks…”  He gave me so much fun. 

God help me is he a tornado or a husband. 

Grace and Courage 

Annetta Mother-Smith.

These are the facts as I remember them. The words he said and how it made me feel. At present the dream of Jake far outstrips the reality of anyone else.. He is the model of manhood, I am currently incapable of finding anyone else attractive. He’s taught me what I want in a man but also how I love. And for that, and many other blessings he bestowed upon me, I thank him.