Some things you can’t take back
Many a time I have had this argument with my parents, I believe in living a life of grace and courage, however I do not believe in stupidity.
Some things in life you can’t take back. It often comes down to children. Who you have kids with and when is the most important decision you will ever make, because it shapes not just your life but theirs too.
Full disclosure, my parents had me when they had nothing. Absolutely nothing. If they had not taken that risk and hoped for better days I would not have happened. However I did happen, and I grew up in relative poverty. Not absolute poverty, but relative. I didn’t notice it until I was about 10, we never went on holiday, my clothes were handmade (with love) or were from charity shops or “the market” almost all my toys were second hand because dad loved car boot sales, ditto for my books. However I had 2 loving parents who wanted me to have nice things. I say this bearing in mind that I am blessed to be a higher income earner. I plan to do almost all the same things to my own children. Their clothes will be 2nd hand, their toys too, books, if they aren’t frayed can also be 2nd hand, (mine were frayed/had seen obvious use/action) So its not like those things were bad really. The reason I plan to do this to my own kids is 1 reason and one reason alone. Stress. In the UK we stress our kids the hell out because we are told we “need” to spend all this money on them and when they waste the washing up liquid (guilty) or grow out of their designer clothes too fast (not guilty) we absolutely loose it. They are 4 years old, they have no concept of money, it was your dumb idea to by them a £300 jacket in the first place. The £20 one will keep them just as warm.
Next we have WHO you have kids with. I’m currently on the dating scene and I absolutely “swipe left” at guys with kids. Having seen my mother suffer from the caricature of the “wicked stepmother who broke our family “(lies) I have no intention of that becoming my fate too. So men with kids who sowed their wild oats, hell no. Men who married and divorced the mum, still hell no. I have no interest in hearing about the “crazy baby mama” whenever I hear “crazy baby mama” I read “woman who is fighting for her kids to be respected and is not interested in your “crumb energy” towards paying for/loving the children you fathered.” Because that is often what it comes down to. Women with kids and bills to pay rarely have time to be spiteful. They may be hurting, but they ultimately want their children to be the best they can be.
Lets turn to those women. I believe it is abuse to keep your children from your ex husband. I also believe it is abuse to talk negatively about your ex to your children. If he treats you badly, you can leave it for the kid to judge, you don’t need to make the kid arbiter in your death spiral to the bottom.
Marriage however you can take back. I say this as a lucky woman who got away with not having kids for my abusive ex husband. I did walk it back. I got lucky and I know it. Hence I believe I have been given a second lease of life and you will often hear me speak about being “mentally 22” to the point where I have to correct myself in public. I walked it back, and I was lucky as I just said. However there are thousands of women who didn’t get as lucky as me, some are dead. Others, like me have suffered severely mentally. Some have visible scars, some like me don’t. Who you marry is only important if you consider marriage everlasting. I thought it was. I felt unless there was abuse in the relationship, you should stay married until you die. I never thought I’d be one of those women who was abused and then told you need to stay married until you die.
Pregnancy, is something else you can or can’t take back, before the termination limit. I’ve never had an abortion, but I’m old enough to understand that it isn’t a decision a woman takes lightly. I always believe prevention is better than cure, condoms better than abortions. No one ever got traumatised from a misadventure with a celibacy. However abortion, especially late stage abortion is a medical procedure and should be treated with caution. I believe all life is sacred, but I also believe that it is sometimes better to euthanise those who would have been born to suffer, if that’s disability, poverty or abuse. Sometimes it’s the kindest thing. I also believe in euthanasia in adults. Obviously under strict circumstances.
In short you should be careful what you do with this one life that we have. The crux of my argument can be summed up in the following story.
A man is airdropped into the middle of the Sahara desert. He decided to strip down and go naked, lying in the sun for the next 20 years in the blistering heat. All the while praying to God that he would not get skin cancer. He then gets airlifted out after 20 years and is found to have skin cancer. He calls out to God saying.“ God, why have you abandoned me???” God turns around and says, “everyday when I airdropped sun cream, clothing, water, food and shade to you, that you didn’t take but it is me who abandoned you for making you stand up to the consequences of your own actions?
The moral of the story is don’t stand in the Sahara desert naked and beg God to have mercy on you, he’s sending you hats, sun cream and shade everyday. Use it because some things you can’t take back.
Grace and courage.
Annetta Mother Smith.