Self care journey

I’m a big advocate of self care. I have a life coach, a planner, a journal, a blog and a counsellor. I also walk 3 times a day and have a skin care routine.

The thing about self care is that I rarely do all of the above in one day. Self care means different things to me on different days.

Recently its been cleaning the hell out of my house so that the Environmental Agency didn’t have to be called in. Other times its taking long walks where I figure stuff out. More times still it’s a skincare routine, a blog post and a early night.

The thing is, I love myself, I also now like myself. Me is a person I would like to get to know. That hasn’t always been the case.

Actually until my divorce. I not only disliked myself, but I hated myself. It manifested in every part of my life. I have an African mother (enough said.) who always pointed out my faults and apparently there were many. I had an abusive ex husband who gaslit me, lied about my character to make up faults for me, then I had regular imposter syndrome and low self esteem guilt. All this culminated in a mental breakdown of epic proportions which meant I couldn’t work for 7 months and I had to divorce my ex husband for my own sanity.

Then I started to work on myself. Self love is a lifetime journey and I believe that. I need to tell you what I went through and how badly I needed self care. This blog is my journey to date, from November 2019 to April 2022.

1st I bought a new phone. (because my old one died) but I hadn’t had a new phone my entire marriage. My ex husband would get a new phone every 2 years and I would get his old one, I used to pride myself on the frugality of it, however the message I was sending was “I come second” “I receive your scraps” not “I’m a person worthy of nice things in my own right.”

I got a life coach- My first life coach helped me realise how “broke” my mentality was. In May 2020 I ordered a new bed. Because the one I was sleeping on was un-sleep-able. Honestly I just deprived myself because I was scared of spending money.

Next I bought new clothes, not many at a time but I bought 2 new pairs of jeans. This bears mentioning because in my entire life and I was 28 at this point I’d never had 2 different pairs of jeans. I’d only ever owned one at a time, and a jeans skirt. My ex used to take his mistresses shopping with my money and when I broke up with him he had between 16-20 pairs of jeans and I had 1. I actually took about 5 pairs that he’d bought, couldn’t fit into and wouldn’t return. That was what I wore between November 2019-May 2020. Second hand scraps.

Then I started walking and running, exploring the new area, my life coach encouraged me to do couch to 5k (a skill I still have) and also to use my 5 senses when I walk. I still take pictures of flowers on my walks, and I used to send them to my parents who were shielding in Lockdown 1. When my dad passed away I went through our messages and they were a beautiful array of “Good morning darling, good night darling” texts as well as flowers I’d send him and he’d send me. Precious memories.

I started eating better. My eating habits have changed to be less “fast poison” to more luxury items, I buy nice teas, nice jams and really take my time and appreciate the food I eat, not just eat to avoid starvation. I also go to nicer resturants. I haven’t abandoned Pizza Express and Nandos but I eat there less often.

I take myself on dates. I explore London, I do adventurous things I am more confident in doing things on my own.

I speak my truth. I have had several hard conversations with my parents and the result of which is that I have set up boundaries. Something I really benefit from now because my relationship with my mum is less hard. She’s not always on my back pointing out my faults, and she no longer propagates the lies my ex made up about my character.

I got friends. I reconnected with some old friends, made some new ones and all in all am a more social person because I believe I have something to offer people. Me. And Me is enough, I’m not isolating myself so people don’t see the deficiencies in my character and my marriage.

Skincare routine.-I wanted to stop looking tired. I have a picture of myself in 2016 at 24/25 and I look older than I do now at 30. I take care of my skin, drink more water, and put on suncream every day.

Ditto nails and hair. There were times in my marriage and when I was going through my divorce/hard times at work where I looked like I was DYING. Literally on the verge of death. I worked/stressed myself out until I looked ill. My friends threw me a divorce party, I was on the brink of death then, my work was hell, even though the situation had improved, I was still working 12 hours a day rather than 20-16 hours, I had just wrapped up my divorce and my dad got ill and we suspected cancer. I looked like I was on my knees at times and to be honest, I was.

Candles. I love smells, I bought myself perfumes so I smell nice, I have 4 perfumes, that take on a character.

The Uncompromising Mr. Sohan when I’m having a “Beyonce, My Power” day, seriously big dick energy day.

Quercus when I’m assertive but not necessarily masculine.

Cairo, when I’m feeling a bit exotic

The Favourite-when I’m feeling assertive and feminine, also when I remember my dad. I would wear that perfume everyday to the hospital so he’d smell me before he’d see me, so he’d recognise my scent. However my dad had laryngeal cancer before he had pancreatic cancer which meant they took out his voice box and cut the pipe that joined his nose to his throat i.e. he had no sense of smell.

I also have Yankee Candle and a Freddies flower subscription. I love having them so much that when I moved in with my parents when my dad was dying/after his passing, I moved the subscription to my parents house. My mum too loved it so much I left it with her until she went to Sierra Leone, when she came back I got her, her own subscription which I pay for and she loves.

The New Scientist and The economist. I don’t use them as much as I thought I would but I love having the digital subscriptions. When my dad was alive I’d go for a print subscription and I’d have it sent to his house. It was a moment of real pride to be able to provide that for him, to ask him if he’d gotten the Economist (He was a Economics teacher before the Ministry) and when he’d ask me if I’d read articles.

CEO of my own life, Life planner. It really focuses the mind when you have a goal in mind. (weight and studies) and helps with discipline. I love it. It truly makes me feel in control.

Journalling and blogging- I am a writer at heart. How I express my feelings is in the written word. My blog is available for anyone, however my journal is for my children. I do it because when I lost my dad I realised that there were years of his life when I didn’t know the little thoughts that went through his head. When he passed I’d go through his notebooks and calendars. He was a very factual writer, noting down doctor’s appointments and meetings, however he would also note down whenever he saw me. I found that soft, endearing and outright beautiful. I aim to bring that power of feeling with my own writing., I want my own kids and loved ones to know me in that way. I believe its important, I want them to know I was young once, and I was a person before I became “Wife, Mum, Grandmum, Great Grandmum and hopefully, Great Great Gandmum.”I believe that’s important in knowing and loving the whole person.

Studying- The last and probably most expensive is the studies I have undertaken. Both Tax and driving lessons are there to push me and give me eventual freedom. They are also teaching me incredible discipline which I’m not too proud to admit I’m failing at. It forces you to make sacrifices and to mould yourself into a better person because you need to have 1 eye on the long game in order to succeed.  I love it but I have had to battle poor mental health as well as my problematic pattern behaviour. In order to become the person I want to be, I have to give up who I currently am and that person isn’t going down without a fight. My self image, my saboteurs all come out and to the point it probably needs its own blog post. But in the end. I will prevail, because that’s the image I have of myself. Someone who always wins.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.

All this self love has happened since I divorced my ex husband.