Picture of a life.
Picture a life
2023 has been a surprising year. I have been in and out of love like a romance novel.
Man 1. Made me feel like I could be taken on under his wings and my life would be one of exhilarating cheekiness. My life would be good. I met my match and I could stand as his equal. I am powerful enough to meet my intellectual equal. As a woman I went insane, in the presence of a powerful man. Someone I could see, someone I couldn’t consume, someone complex but still learning, still hungry. Someone I could teach as well as be taught. With Joe he was going to show me the world. We’d explore Rome at 1am, stay in hostels, kiss in the moonlight, silent touches just for us, but in the public sphere we’d be statuesque. He knows stuff about things I’m interested in. We’re similar upbringing.
Man 2. Is the balm my soul needs right now, telling me what I already know. I’m good at this, I am desirable. I crave the encouragement and stability he gives, the status of being associated with a high status man, I’m trying to let go of ego, trying to let go of fear. Allow myself to soak in the compliments, its nice to be desired. He’s also really handsome. I didn’t find white men attractive. I am attracted to a certain facial structure and he has it. Jack Lucas has it and I was attracted to him. I settled for his brother, this time the man showing interest in me is the one I’m actually attracted to. Handsome, intelligent, a gentlemen and appreciates me. I love it. I want to show up for him because its so good to feel wanted. My life with Jacob would be more stable. Will we travel the world? Maybe. Will I do my business and raise the children I want in the way I want? With gentleness and peace? Absolutely. Will we make wild love under the stars? We will if I have anything to do with it. I believe that I will only play small if I let that happen. My romance is sincere, not performative, he will give me reassuring hugs, sweet kisses and slow lovemaking. I am his muse. He is mine. With him I will fulfil what I have always wanted. The stability to be a wife and a mother. Status wise I receive from the true love and adoration that my husband has for me. Life is simple, not extravagant, but love is deep and true and pure. Attraction. He is handsome. He’s the first handsome white man I have met since my divorce, at least one that I like, Stef is handsome (and married so that’s a hell fire offence) and Matt has a nice chest, but that’s it. Jacob gives me what I want. To be looked after. With Jacob I have a future where I can be safe and heal. With Jacob I get to be the woman I have always wanted to be. The woman who is a force in her own right, but is centred around what she wants. Her husband. Being wild for him. Being wildly in love with being safe. With the best of life (not just financial.) Her children get to be raised in gentleness and love. Her man is analytical like her. Her man gives her everything she wants and she never has to provide for herself.
Pray for both of them.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith.