State of Peace
Its currently the 29th of January and I am writing to you from a place of peace. Never, since Sainsburys have I been in a place with such peace. Busy as hell but at least busy. I have many hopes for the future. Leaving a place with such peace is a blessing beyond words. I hate no man and no one is forcing me out. I feel like I have so much to be grateful for. But that isn’t why I am failing you.
I’m failing you because I am meant to be talk to you 3 times a week. I have so much to tell you.
Tomorrow I am meeting a life coach to talk through a project I am working on. That is so exciting because I will see if I can do anything with it.
I love my little project, but its coming to the point where it has a life of its own. So its high time I sustain it.
Then there is my mother’s family
Yesterday my 88 year old grandmother went to the hospital (she’s fine its just Sierra Leone has no primary care function so urgent or non urgent you go to the hospital) I was so scared because I had, for only the second time in my life had a random act of generosity towards my grandmother. (random acts of generosity is defined as a giving of money/gift that is not tied to a birthday, Christmas or anniversary.) I do pretty well as a granddaughter considering my grandmothers random acts of generosity can be defined as at best 0.5. i.e. she once made chin chin (Sierra Leonean doughnuts) for my mum and me, but it was a joint gift and didn’t eat a single one because we couldn’t get it out of Freetown. This of course, is no disrespect to the giver of the gift. It was what it was. But I panicked as she’s really old and my aunt sent my mum the bill and didn’t actually tell my mum what was wrong with her (which I thought was crass) I don’t want to be the grandchild (even though I am) who had a damascene conversion of attitude towards my grandmother. Because I only decided to send money because she’s started calling me.
It makes me realise that I have a wider habit of treating people based on what they mean to me not based on how they have treated me. Which is problematic because there are a lot of people who are in my life with 0 reason to be here. Are 4 phone calls (including my birthday) worth £50? Probably not, but the intent behind the gesture is, “because you have shown effort with me, I will show effort with you.”
I am currently paying for my aunt’s Paris trip. I am going to make it a trip of a lifetime. I like fancy things. Paris is they height of romantism and beauty and prestige, even more so than London. London is archaic and dignified, fast paced and majestic. Paris is romance, beauty and mystic. It appeals to me. I want to show her a good time, but again this relationship is based on the fact that I am named after her, not because she’s done anything for me in my entire life. (yes, it has been 3 ½ years but I am beating the drum of my father’s passing, it cost nothing to be kind… yet that is exactly what I got… Nothing. No kindness…just nothing. I have spent more time researching nice things to do for my aunt than my entire family spent on looking after me when my dad died. Its not Is in spite of my family not because of it. But I am willing to forgive and give my aunt far more of a chance to spend time and be kind than was extended to me. Yes she had a wedding to plan but afterwards she could have spent some time with me. Taken me out, shown me around Freetown. yeah that didn’t happen. Not a single relative did anything of note. My aunt Zinab did sent her servant to the shops to buy me Fanta though so I should appreciate that. Meanwhile I’m planning to take my aunt to the Ritz in London and Paris. Versailles…The Eiffel Tower. Kew Gardens. Big Ben, the London Eye. Etc… Shame, that I am kinder than the entire family put together but this is how I was raised. Random acts of extreme generosity. But I get something out of it too. This is the only time I get to spend with my aunt. It may even be the last time I see her and I want to have memories of a lifetime. I am named after her and this is important to me. As it turns out, I can only relax and be at ease in places of luxury. Because luxury suits me. Luxury deserves to be around me and learn from me. I, like my father am a woman of abundance. Abundance suits me, abundance makes me feel safe and it feels safe with me. Abundance is the order of the day…everyday. So yes, Paris. The ritz, a good hotel, a boat tour on the Seine, Versailles. The Eiffel Tower and the Louvre. Then home to reality. I am paying for a Schengen visa and a bigger hotel room. I am basing my entire year’s worth of holidays on this going well. It is an entirely emotional trip.
Family issues that have commanded more of my families time than my father’s death.
· My aunt’s business idea.
· My cousin’s wedding A
· My cousin’s PLAB exams A
· My cousins transport situation in Manchester. A
· My cousin’s speeding tickets B
· My cousins job applications. A
· My cousin’s grant application. A
· My cousin’s job application B
· My cousin’s newsletter. B
· My cousin’s £3,000 laptop. C
· My cousin’s UCAS application. C.
It is better not to think of it. I best not, because it makes me sad.
Is this forgiveness? Is this what this is? I suppose.
May God help me.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith.