Now

In my chilled zone.

Airpods in. ignoring the world, my anxiety and everything else.

Days of thunder… they are clearing… show me heaven. leaving me breathless.

Its time to write what I feel. I hope this is a point in time notice. Rather than jynxing myself.

I need to go deep… Deep into those drums, the drums at the bottom of my soul.

I want to re-write the beauty of Bea BAD… I’m still Beautiful, African and Dangerous… but now, there’s no more rage left.

Just depth. I consider more things, I am less quick to judge. I hope thats a sign of maturity.

32 has come without the thunder and lightening of 31. I look back at this time last year. I didn’t even know Joe really. I was on the cusp of the 18th of October.. the first big incident with him. That was when the thunder started.

But now… none of that… everything that should, could and did terrify me doesn’t.

I have so much uncertainty this month. But that is not why I write. I write because I have something important to say…

Now is a good time for me to find someone.

Its not just that its “cuffing season” but I know I have some very specific things I want to work on before I get married. I want to marry soon. And I will.

How do I know this?

This time last year I was in full rage mode. People had done me wrong and I cussed everyone out for it. More specifically, the family forgot my birthday and I raised absolute hell. I ignored people’s calls, I cussed them out on this blog, I rained fire and brimstone on my poor mothers ears for the systematic failure of her family who had just epically messed up with regards to my father’s passing, my 31st birthday was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wanted everyone to feel what I felt… fury, pain, neglect. I am my father’s daughter. If you forgot Dad’s birthday, know that dad has unplugged the phone to stop anyone calling because his standard was that you sent a card. Now, this year, with the notable exception of my grandmother, everyone remembered my birthday. But it isn’t just the absence of the mess up that placates me. Its that I am so different to that person. I am so much calmer. I don’t care. I don’t seek approval from them so if they remember or not (and mum made sure they did this time) I knew I was getting the recognition I deserve as a blood born Grosvenor… And Griffin. From me…

I blame my ex so much less for things. All the bad things he did are still true… I just care so much less. I don’t even judge him anymore. I don’t know how he’s doing. I’m sure he’s doing well… but that doesn’t give me bitterness. It gives me nothing.

Ditto my parents… My parents really had the power and the potential to ruin my entire life… and were a hairsbreadth from doing so almost everyday from 11-28. Then after the divorce I took a big decision, based on the love I have for them, not how they presented themselves at the time… I don’t regret it, I carry it better now than I did back then, I wanted it to be something I didn’t rub in their faces… I wanted the life I have now. And I have it. My mother is living her best life. My father wanted for nothing when he was alive… and I am at peace knowing I did my best by my parents. That weight of bitterness of their numerous and egregious sins no longer plagues me. Does it make what they did right? Absolutely not. Would I make the same choices in their situation? Probably. I’m not better than them. Hence I have worked hard not to be in the same positions as them, to have to make the choices that they did. Because we’re all human and we’re all going to mess up… so I plan to make different mistakes to those of my parents, because if I am put in the same situations, I will make the same choices. They are me… and I am them. And it is that realisation that allows me to give them grace. Because they deserve it. They did their best.

So long I wanted to escape my culture because I blamed the problems of my childhood with my culture. Its true, if my father was a British citizen, he’d have made different choices and that would have led to my mother making different choices. Was culture to blame specifically? No, but it sure as hell didn’t help.

Characters matter, family backgrounds and nuances matter. I still point the finger at the majority of the Griffin families problems with the fact that my grandfather died when my father and his sisters were children. A strong father figure in the household is not to be underestimated… and that is a major flag for me. Red or green. A man’s relationship with his father. The man who taught him how to be a man…Joe had a wonderful relationship with his father and that taught me so much about what I want to see. A man whose parents are still married and the father is a strong figure in the household. So vital.

Which brings me onto another thing I am looking for in love and my next husband… Unequivocal victory.

Love is a game most people play… and for me I am looking for one thing… Unequivocal victory.

I need to honour the woman who waited while loneliness tore out little pieces of her everyday.

I need to honour the ex-wife who was cheated on and humiliated.

I need to honour the adolescent who felt ugly and was passed over.

I need to honour the fiery little girl who wanted the best and only the best.

I have always been an “all or nothing” kind of person. and the only way I can love is in an “all or nothing” kind of way.

A man who gives me unequivocal victory, who will make all those women proud of their decisions, sacrifices and tears.

What does unequivocal victory look like?

First things first, there’s the physical.

Post-Joe, I have no idea what I find attractive, other than long thick hair, kind and wise eyes, a strong jaw, lean body and tall. But I do know I need to be attracted to my new husband.

Then there’s how I feel around him.

An unequivocal victory by being in his prescence. I feel like I won at life. Blissfully happy.

His demeanour? Light as a feather, assertive, loving, energetic, passionate about me and our family, respectful, joyful to be around.

He’s intelligent, kind and articulate. He’s driven and hardworking. He is a man of integrity, who is true to his word, and I can put down the “provider” mantle I have had since my adolescence, and put on the mantle of “wife and mother” the actual important titles that they will bury me with. We can argue without malice, love without ceasing, and build without tiring.

He will make the everyday “magical” I will look forward to tiny interactions, making tea, walks, chores. Because nothing is a chore when he’s around. I am bewitched, because my “everyday is magic” my feet won’t touch the ground until I die.

He will unlock parts of me I didn’t know I wanted or had. “the road was good” with Joe, even though I didn’t know where the road was taking me. But that doesn’t matter. He will lead the way, and the road will be good. Will I stay in the UK? Only if God wills it. Will I follow him to the ends of the earth? Absolutely. I don’t need to know the way. I have my husband. Hand in hand, we can and will conquer the world. That is an unequivocal victory.

He loves me passionately, like fairytale passionately. If “Show me heaven” was real life. That is our love story…

Money? He’ll take care of me. I’ll no longer be a breadwinner. I will still work, but I will be taken care of. We’ll match at least. But I trust him, he’ll look after us. And our family.

My Principals? Will be honoured, he will lead me down no path that will bring me dishonour. My standards aren’t too high, he’s just the only man that can meet them. It won’t even be a problem for him.

He will feel like he is a winner with me. That he has won at life. The bible says "

“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favour from the LORD”

I am that favour. I am that treasure. Because I’m my daddy’s princess.

Our love story will be one of sublime joy and peace. We will live a life of honesty, we will bring children into the world, and equip them with the necessary skills for this fast changing world. I will control the amount of exposure my children have to my culture, whilst giving them the open choice to explore it if they wish. I will not rob my children of their heritage, nor will I tell them that I will break all the generational curses. Those take generations to break. But the big bad ones of the day… will end with me. Just like my parents ended some for me.

Now is a good time to live that life. I’m now actually the kind of wife that I always imagined. I am now the kind of fun mum that I wanted to be.

Now. Now. Now.

Universe… I hope you’re listening.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.