It is better if you don’t love your family…

If you are a black woman… why? If you do, they will weaponize love against you. You are at the bottom of the food chain, especially if you are unmarried. To be honest, I’m dead inside. I really am. I am well aware that my family don’t love me as much as I loved them. That goes for my parents too.

I am also well aware that my parents can, have and will fuck me over at every possible opportunity, sometimes going out of their way to do so. Their entire lifestyle has been built on my sacrifice. I have come to peace with the fact that I have done extra-ordinary things for my family which no one else would do and they who have benefited would not do for me.

This thing around my dad’s picture has hurt me deeply. But this is the first time I have really decided on any consequences for people hurting me. I have decided that I will buy life insurance… Long story, but suffice to say, something important to me that isn’t important to her, and I will not be, as the men say, “Holding my nuts when this is all over.”

Mainly the deadened feeling worries me, I genuinely fought this one. I threatened all sorts of things including shaming her in front of her sisters. She never cares because she got what she wanted. That’s my mother. Selfish. Her love has always, when times are tough, proved not enough to protect me. Something I have always felt sad about. I have had to look after myself because I have never had anyone else.

Its also a lesson in Africanism. African expectations, have always mattered to Africans more than their children. Hence I don’t fuck with them. I love my children more than society. I loved my father more than society. Even though she continues to hurt me, I love my mother more than society. There is no one I would hurt for the ease of some people who I will never see again. Or best case scenario, I’ll not see again until my father’s 5 year celebration in 4 years time. Why do I care what they think? Why is it such a problem if I don’t?

The answer is control. The black community want to control you. And I don’t want to be controlled. I want to be able to withdraw my consent at any point. I want to be safe and secure in love. I don’t want to be controlled. Control is not love.

Love, is a universal good. It is when it is mistaken for unopposed loyalty that it is harmful.

Grace and courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.