I’m okay…ish
There has been a marked difference in my life view.
I look back at my early 30’s. Starting Grace and courage and other things I have done and I realise that sometime in 2023-2024 I had the “hope” pummelled out of me. There is nothing else to say. Nothing excites me anymore. I just am where I am. I am far more concerned with loss avoidance than actual joy. Because I am not concerned about joy, very little joy has come my way. I used to romanticize my life. I still do, but less so. Partly this is financial, some of the more romantic elements are expensive as hell. But partly it is that I don’t have the ability to romanticize my life. I have spent far more time getting myself up to square one than contemplating the art of the possible. I am currently working on my 10 year plan to become an overnight success. I want to spend my time telling my story, I have done so in little bits, but now I want to do it full time. I can’t carve out sufficient time to do it and have a life, and a house and a job. But I can eventually. I want this year to be a foundation year. Then I need to get serious. It will be fun, but I need to have my own outlet, I think I’m good at this, heaven knows the world needs to hear my voice, of that I have been sure of since the day I was born. But will it listen? I’m about to find out, plus I am excited to get myself to the place where I want to be. I just need to get away from “that damn phone” which is currently frying my brain.
I have different wants from 2020-2021. Before then I wanted to fall in love and I saw my 30’s as a chance to start over, do everything I wished for. That didn’t happen. Not only did it not happen, the worst case scenario in so many different places happened. Which stripped me of my humanity, last summer I gained a modicum of it back and I plan to protect it at all costs. But one thing is for sure, I’m colder now. Harder. Firmer. I have an ability to stand on my beliefs and I have no patience for small players and those who disrespect me. Which makes me a harder person to please, because my standards have risen. Before I had a belief I would be shown common humanity, then I was shown, over and over again that common humanity was not common to me. I wouldn’t get rest, or peace. So now I have less hope, more realism and less tolerance.
May this year be better than the last 2. I can’t struggle forever.
Grace and courage.
Annetta Mother Smith.