Hype, future me.

We all have that part of ourselves. It’s the Goddess arc. I live in hope. My current hopes surround my 31st birthday. My date of birth is the 22nd of September, but I have traditionally spent my birthday in October, why? Because when I was going through my marriage problems, my cousin took me out (I paid but it was her idea) her daughters birthdays are around the same time as mine (I won’t give out kids birthdays) and so I picked a date that we weren’t celebrating their birthdays to celebrate mine. Traditionally the weekend of October 9th/10th however this year I’m going to go to the theatre and brunch with friends and then go to a spa day on my own that day. But I have my outfit perfectly planned. I big wide brim hat in ivory, with navy blue sinamay roses and a navy blue dress with ivory shoes and ivory clutch and gloves. Perfection. We’ll go to a Pan-African restaurant that I’m going to spend my friend’s birthday party at next weekend (LOL the day I’m writing this is her legit birthday, she’s in Paris and I’m stealing her restaurant ideas, they say copying is the highest form of flattery) anyway, I’m going to take a small group of friends to this restaurant for brunch, then go to the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe and then maybe a Thames cruise. I’d like to do some pictures at Kew Gardens and then whatever London tourist attraction the Good Lord chooses for me. When I started writing this there was a lot of hope and hype for my future, now there is less so. However the one thing that is certain, is that I am beautiful. My face doesn’t change with the addition to my problems. Neither does my figure (unless I comfort eat)

For my 30th birthday, I’m doing the (if I can afford it) the London Eye, then Hotel Café Royal, followed by the Lion King, which will be an elevated experience in soft life. So a lot of people subscribe to the idea of “soft life” (boo, isn’t that just life???” if I’m struggling through life, then I’m doing life wrong. Life is for enjoyment. Sometimes its luxe, an elevated experience, of the London eye, 4 black women towering over the city skies, resplendent in all our glory. Then, luxurious food, finally, to quote a black panther review... “Blackedy black blackness” in a theatre show. The glory of the African continent, the wonder of the African voice, singing in harmony, the majesty of its people. All in a play. That trifecta essentially describes me, I am a conqueror, (London eye) I’m a lady of luxury (Café Royal, God know’s I’m my father’s princess) then I am a cultured African woman (Lion King)

That is how I plan to live my life. That is how life needs to be lived. Future me is also present me. There is no “On the first of August, I will live my elevated lifestyle and nothing else. No. It comes in fits and starts. Today, I stood up for myself, That is hype future me. Yesterday, I supported my mum (only after I had a major meltdown, and she gently sobered my ass back to earth with genuine problems). That is hype future me. The day before I saw a friend and ate a decent meal.  That is hype future me. I also halved my serious ironing pile. Hype hype hype. There is so much I have to offer.

I listened in part to a Youtube post about how manifestation, “hard work” culture and red pill is all under the umbrella of “delusion” I kind of agree. If you sit on your broke ass and say you will manifest money. Then newsflash boo, it will 100% not happen for you. However if you go out into the street, really work for yourself and work on your self talk you will quickly find out that because you treat yourself well, others treat you well too. I find that my positive self talk is a veneer thin. I do it when I need to (which is most of the time) but I will be working for the rest of my life to make it a legit thing. But I do more for myself now than ever. When I’m feeling anxious, I take myself out. I take myself on dates, I take myself to museums and resturants. I celebrate my birthday with friends in ways that I didn’t do until 28 when I had no husband to rely on. Its sad that I only recognised friends when I realised I couldn’t rely on my ex.

Which was both wrong and right at the same time. No man is your salvation, you should always have friends, but my friends were all broke. No one ever had money to hang out. The difference between my friends and my ex’ friends where, my friends said. “we have no money, we won’t go out” my ex’ friends were “I have no money, pay for the pleasure of my company” That put me off hanging out with friends. I was always on edge that if I couldn’t afford to pay that they were going to disgrace me in a restaurant. I remember when I spoke to a friend I hadn’t seen in over a decade. She’s transgender and I knew her when she was him. Anyway, when I invited her for a coffee, literally this week last year to get my mind off the fact that my dad was dying (he’d die a week later) I paid for the coffee, and cake because I was happy to have seen an old friend. The person wasn’t working at the time and I didn’t want money to be a barrier to friendship… well it should be because they haven’t spoken to me since. But its cool. Some friends aren’t friends. They’re acquaintances and future me (and present me) understands the difference.

I plan to travel. How that looks like I don’t know. I plan to explore new flavours, heights, lows, sights and sounds. That isn’t future me. That is present me…with money.

I plan to actually love myself, care for myself, not define myself as someone who provides anything other than laughter and wise counsel. I am beloved. I am necessary, I am a whole mood. In fact I am the whole meal. Single or coupled, I am the whole point of whatever exercise you are undertaking.

I am making plans so future me can enjoy an elevated lifestyle.

I am. Annetta Mother Smith.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.