Hole in the heart
If you didn’t know, heartache is a physical feeling. I first found this out when my abusive ex husband was cheating the first time. I felt awful. My body broke. I felt heartache. It is basically the feeling of having a hole in your chest where your soul once was. When your soul has left your body that is death. But sometimes you can die whilst your heart is still beating. And that is where I am. My soul has left gone and I am dead inside. If you want real truth as to how badly my life is going just know that I am holding on to my sanity with bare knuckles. At any given point in the day I am one nasty comment away from tears. As demonstrated yesterday by my mother for yelling at me for something that wasn’t my fault and that I went on to spend considerable time, money and effort to rectify for another person. I have always said that everything in your life is your fault after 25. I am 30 and I still hold true to that. I have had to accept some difficult decisions I have made for myself. I have protected others rather than myself and I will live with those decisions for the rest of my life. I am at peace with my actions. There is one thing I am not at peace with. Absolutely crippling loneliness. At time of writing, I see my mother once a week and I hug her, I get my nails done once a month the technician holds my hand/fingers in order to complete their jobs. Other than that I do not touch another human being. I see friends infrequently, and when I do I give them a hug. However. That is my life. And it has been part of my life since my dad passed away and it is starting to tell on me. I have been doing everything that a girl could. If there are any attractive, single men out there reading this, give me a call. I’m open to offers. The aching emptiness where joy should be is quite hard to describe. It’s a visceral pain and it is all I can do to stop it going from pain to suffering. I have spoken on that subject before. I know I will go through pain. But I absolutely, steadfastly refuse to suffer another day in my life. I know what that means. Even though my mental health is taking the beating of the lifetime, I know better days are coming. One step at a time better days are coming. Its finding good in the world no matter how hard. That is what turns suffering into simply pain. But for now, I would just like the pain to stop.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother Smith.