History is wild fam…
I completely resonate with the notion that history is just gossiping about dead people so in that petty vein I give you Anna’s history roast.
Spare a thought for Faustulus, who is going down in history as Rome’s oldest cuckhold. Because his wife Laurentia was the “she wolf” that nursed Romulus and Remus, and had been at it with all the other shepherds…
Or General Sillouette in pre revolutionary France when the country was so broke that he tried to tax “Gold, jewels, carriages and celibacy…” (he’s literally victimising me because if he’d just taxed “wealthy stuff,” I wouldn’t even be mad about paying, but its because he came for my moral code too that I’m grabbing the pitchfork…”
Or lets not forget the time that Roman Legions under Gemanicus, decided to rebel after Augustus died over legitimate concerns… when Augustus died he promised them money, Tiberius wasn’t forthcoming…They’d work 20 years and then get disguarded, they weren’t being paid enough to live etc… but then cancelling the rebellion…because the moon wasn’t full. Yes boo don’t get pensions because the moon wasn’t in the same shape as your standard. They cancelled their scheme to get human rights…
Or the festival of Lupercalia, dedicated to Innus, the literal ancient Roman sex god where they ran naked through the streets…
Lets not forget that the Romans had “Gods amongst us” so there was a random time that Hercules after slaughtering a monster “Geryones” decided to swim across the river Timber (Hercules was Greek and decided to hopfoot it to Rome outside scenes apparently) with his “wonderously beautiful cattle” and then fell asleep. Someone tried to steal his cattle by dragging them by their tails whilst he was sleeping so he clubbed them, and a man who may or may not be immortal (currently can’t tell) caught him killing and said “I know you, my mum told me about you, she said I should build an alter to you for the greatest nation on earth” and so instead of running for his life when you see a murderer with a weapon, he built him an alter (now known as the Palletine hill) but even better, called 2 local families to help with the celebrations. One arrived on time and became high priests to the cult of Hercules (Potitii), and the other was late and couldn’t be(Pinarii). So imagine you have one family member that’s always late, and as a result for generations you lose out on being the high priest of Hercules Rome’s founding because your great great grandfather had poor time management skills. That, my dears is the definition of generational curses…
Or that time when Germanicus (yeah the same guy) tried to kill himself infront of his men at an alter because of their rebellion and everyone was saying “No!!! Don’t do it!!! We’ll behave we swear!!!” and then that one dude offered Germanicus his sword… because its sharper… savage.
Also side note, Germanicus is hella mentally unstable. Every crisis is met with “And then Germanicus considered suicide infront of his men…” then when they talk him out of it and agree to do what he wants he calms down. Sounding emotionally manipulative to me. But if you wonder where Caligula is getting his crazy from. Its the daddy issues…
So yeah, I thought I would give you some premium roasts from the crazy first hand accounts of Rome and the French Revolution… The finest sideeye to all of them.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother Smith.