Disconnect

I’m writing to you from a position of power. The most powerful I have ever been. Not in terms of power over others. But power over myself. I love watching people grow. I love way kids self actualise. I am a black woman who has suffered greatly and I have always known my purpose in life is to have people avoid being me. Turns out I have something to offer. I am the change I need to see. It’s so hard. I’m battling with so many emotions. I was in love with a man I thought was wise. And he is. He is wise and good and kind… but not wise enough. Still the wisest person I have met since my father. I have had the concept of “white saviourism” come crashing down. This time it must be different. My previous posts we’re looking to the government or “the community” or individual decisions to get the change. I felt my place was to write, to commentate. And it is. I have more than one place at the table. I shied away from my true place. “I’m too small” “I want my kids to have something to aspire for “ “ my place is as mother and wife” and by the way, the last one is true. My place is as wife and mother. But it’s also as community leader. I need to step up and step into my true purpose. The irrevocable facts are

I am Beale Griffin’s daughter. Beale Griffin was a leader. He founded a charity, he led people and he changed lives. Why did I think that ability was just going to skip me me?

I am Glena Griffin’s daughter. She is an entrepreneur and success is in her DNA. A DNA I share.

I am sick of seeing my people being hauled up as the face of all that is bad. Racism has not died. It’s just more subtle and I need to stop believing in “the inherent goodness of white people” I am sick of fighting for my rights, living stereotypes that aren’t my purpose. I’m tired of doing what others want me to do. I don’t know what I want out of life, but I know that the chains I am in will continue to make me sick if I continue down this road. It is the disconnect between my vocation and my avocation “as two eyes make one sight” that is killing me. So I am going to make my money by preventing the mental health crisis in the disunited kingdom of Britain. For the people I know best… black girls. I may not know TikTok but I know duality. I may not post insta but I know about begging white hero’s for the bare minimum and not one single girl will go through what I have been through. I know about hyper sexualising young girls and adultification. I have empathy and strength. I have fun and wit. I have spent enough time in the corporate world to know their toxic traits and the fact that if I spend time there long term I will die. Not metaphorically. Physically. I want work where I rely on me, people I trust, work I can do. We have so much to learn. I want to take only talented black women with me, so I’m going to do things my way. I’m going to do it right from the beginning.  I don’t have all the answers, there’s so much I need help with. Need a mentor. I may wait a year and ask Joe. I trust so few people, but he is good, and if the vibe is off I will cut my losses.

I have established what I need to do. Prevent more me’s

I have worked out how to do it. 5 year program with role models and counselling

I have realised it needs to be me

I now just need to do it

Grace and Courage

Annetta Mother-Smith