dangerously in love

“I am in love with you, you set me free, I can’t do this thing called life without you here with me, I’m dangerously in love with you. Just keep loving me”

that song is 20 years+ old and I’m hearing it for the first time. Thank you Instagram, its from Beyonce’s first album. titled “Dangerously in love” after this particular song.

Why am I like this? Why is it that the moment I heard this song I knew who this pertained to? especially the crescendo. its not. “I am in love with you.” its

“I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!”

My love is screaming, not half, intense and raw as if I had never been the away.

the person I want to be, my toe to toe. My inspiration. To quote another song, “I feel like I have been locked out of heaven. “ Heaven is with him, I find myself thinking about bargaining with God. “If I go to church, will you let me have him?” “If you eat my vegetables, will you let me have him?” “If I loose a bunch of weight, will I have him?” I feel like a drug addict white knuckling my “sobriety” “Sobriety” being the hell of a world without of him. Before, the everyday was magical and now I don’t understand life.

the person I want to be is the person who can hear this song and think of love and not cry because she’s separate from her love. Its been months. Why am I still in tears? Oh yeah I know why.

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU.

I am mourning a loss, and you are effectively dead to me. Not in a bad way, but now you live eternally in my memories. Not a complete you, because I can no longer create new memories with you. You are like my dad in this respect. But I can have you by my side always. feel close to you. be what you represent. Be you. and that will set me free.

In case you forgot.

I am in love with you.

and

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother-Smith.