Blind fury

I made a massive ranting post yesterday. I blamed my mum and my aunt (wrongly) in the method of a task done. Ultimately yes, they were both wrong, but my original post ascribed their errors to their “African” cultural perspective and the influence on their actions. Technically I’m partially correct, however there are many other things that were at play. So I need to check my prejudice. I shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that because it was done via the “Auntie network” that that will automatically mean it will screw up. The “African way" is not inherently incorrect, or inferior, and I tend to allow things to go their course before claiming victory or defeat. I’d retrospectively ascribed the outcome to their actions, which is not fair. Luckily, I did not give my mother a culture bashing for her and other people’s failings. I am however lucky I have a mother I can still argue with. Seeing as I don’t have a dad to do it. My mum and I are close, sometimes in a trauma bonded, we have no one else, and we’ve been through so much. I have however, rarely been so cross, because I have been living in a dearth of emotion. I have lived in an impasse. So, when something so precious went away, I have at least my mother to carry the burden with. We have radically different ways of dealing with problems, but at least there is a different perspective. I love her, I have spent so much money on this. But at least, I have my mum. Even when times are difficult. And they are. My mother is all I have. Which means I have a lot. I used to get so angry when my parents screw up. I still do. However I don’t get as angry as I used to. But I’m not someone who believes in the “Just let it go” it grates me. I believe in not being nice to someone at the expense of yourself. I love myself first, and I’m not walking 10 miles because you won’t cross the street to do your own job. Which isn’t the Sierra Leonean way, and can be seen as selfish. But it means that I don’t feel like I’m giving too much. And when I get triggered by the idea of having to give up my life, sacrifice, carry last. Which is where my prejudice is coming from. I have been burnt too often in the name of doing things the “African way” and instead wish for a happy medium.

I think I made my mum sad on my dad’s birthday. We were talking about going back to Sierra Leone, and my mum asked me about it. I said I had no personal interest in going back to Sierra Leone, even for a visit. My family on both sides trigger parts of my personality (people pleasing) that I don’t like, and it takes a long time to shake it off. I prefer to stay here, where I am safe, empowered and not triggered. I just don’t believe my family actually love me, especially not in the way I was taught to love and idolise them. I believe loving at a distance is all I want from them. I don’t want to be close to them because I feel like there’s nothing in it for me. Too much disappointment.

Grace and Courage

Annetta Mother Smith.