Big love

I am a “big love” person, which is hilarious because I’m an introvert. So it manifests itself in very odd ways.

Big love- when it comes to my parents means they get the most. My love language is acts of service and gifts. So I give the most well thought out birthday presents for my parents that I can.

Big love when it comes to my family members on both sides, means that I stay well away, because my family does not practice big love.

For friends? I have a select few, I’d say 5-6 people, (all women, I’d like some men to be involved) who I consider friends. And I do my best by them.

What is big love?

For me its having a big heart, feeling deeply, being intensely interested in other peoples passions and trying to cater to them, making sure people have what they want, not what you want to give them. It means love is oceans, not buckets. It means relationships cannot be casual, sex cannot be transactional, but a meeting of minds and souls. Its an intensity that means you are not for the masses, you are for the few, because if you try and replicate that for the masses. You. Will. Die. You will expire trying to give the quality of service you wish to give to so many, you will not have it feel personal, which for you is the whole point. It makes you very selective. But it makes you so very happy.

Its been a thought I’ve had for several days now. I had this thought when I wrote up the blog post about my dad’s 1 year anniversary. There I said. “People who love in oceans should not be around people who love in buckets” which refers to the fact that my way of loving requires more depth than most. When people bitch and moan about doing the bare minimum, it especially grates me, because I’d walk 100 miles for my loved ones, and some people wouldn’t cross the street for me. This is what I mean when I say I am “Big love” I’m generous, Kind, loving and thorough. I’m not nice. Other people value nice-ness like its going to get you somewhere. Its bland, inauthentic and boring. Show me something real. It means when I’m in the dating world I get bored easily when I’m dealing with “Nice” people, they’re interchangeable, I’ve spoken to lots of nice guys and absolutely nothing has come of it. They’re nice, but they like dogs like it’s a personality type. They’re nice but there’s nothing to them. They’ll meet a “Nice” girl and have nice kids and they won’t do anything out of the ordinary. They’ll do everything “expected” of them and it won’t be fun or original. They’re life will be like out of a story book. i.e. predictable. My life has been an adrenaline rush for the past 30 years and I expect to keep that going, any man who I marry needs to keep up. My husband and kids will know peace, but also adventure, love, thought provoking conversation and intensity. When I’m gone, they’ll miss me. A life well lived. Doesn’t mean I won’t marry and have kids, which is the conventional thing to do. But it does mean I’ll travel, learn, empower and explore. I’ll use 100% of my brain power before I die. Not go halves on life. Its so awful.

One of the things that the internet seems to have hammered into me recently is that I’m a dark skinned woman (in summer) Which is okay, my dad was a dark skinned man. Very dark skinned and he was extremely handsome. And people tell me I am beautiful. Very beautiful, I’m stunning on my good days and this summer I have made sure I have had a lot of good days. I don’t care what anyone says. I have had a hot girl summer. Next year is “abs summer” but this year has definitely been my best summer yet when it comes to my physical appearance. I don’t wear old, tired clothing, my hair is in need, but no where near what I had to manage last year, I am in better physical shape because I have begun slowly walking again. I’ve lost a lot of weight due to work stress, but hey, hasn’t everyone? As a result, I look fabulous. And my photoshoot is a moment in time which proves it. I am stunning. I’m not pretty. I’m stunning. Different. Same with love, I’m not lovely, I’m loving. Different. Don’t confuse the 2. I have much higher demands, because I give much higher rewards and I need to feel like this relationship, whatever it is, is equal and I’m not dumbing myself down for people.

Hence I’m big love. that’s why I need.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.