Beauty and Brokeness
Weird feeling. All truth be told. I have had suicidal thoughts recently. Why? There was a meeting at work where someone violated me so completely that it took me back to the glory days of my abusive husband. Just the memories of how I felt then and how low this person brought me made me want to end my life rather than suffering that abject humiliation again where that persons life was more important than mine even when I was the injured party. The idea that I would insult myself with taking such treatment from someone was cringeworthy yet the danger it presented in terms of someone’s violating my peace so fundamentally took me down a path I had no intention of going down. Memories of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex husband come back. Even though my logical brain can tell it’s not the same danger my hippocampus can’t tell the difference so I instead get plagued with debilitating panic attacks, whilst my body processes up and my subconscious catches up with my conscious mind. And yet I see beauty in everything. Unfortunately this was not my first encounter with suicidal ideation, however I was able to cope way better than before, nipping it in the bud and getting my mind to logic it out. Today’s title is beauty and brokenness, I’m not broken, I have never been more whole. There is nothing wrong with my self worth. Even though I had suicidal intentions it was weirdly because I value myself more. My life does matter for the first proper time and the logic behind it was that if death is inevitable because the panic attacks are so bad, then by my own hand is least cruel. Unfortunately that is with the understanding that my ex husband was still in the picture which was what was making death inevitable in the first place . However the year is 2023 and my ex is not in the picture so death isn’t inevitable. The situation at work whilst similar in terms of violation is no where near as severe and I can’t actually die. But my illogical brain can’t tell that. Hence midnight calls to Samaritans and white knuckling the dawn. Exhausted but can’t sleep because I am terrified of closing my eyes and those thoughts coming back. I’m over it. I will not harm myself and I am praying this is merely a particularly bad night and that with the dawn comes the hope. But I have no way of telling.
Like in compliments of the season I will assert my self image.
I am
Brave, kind, magnanimous and gentle
Unfortunately exhausted. My life is a living embodiment of “come all who are weary I will give you rest,” I am not drained. There is plenty of fight left in me. Just exhausted. Iron low, (escaped anemia, by the smallest of margins) but the mental toll of what I have been through is terrible.
Enigmatic, resourceful and enterprising.
Powerful, influential and aspiring.
Heart filled and intuitive, even when all I can feel is pain. I have felt pain on a literal level since November.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith