As it turns out…I’m not dead yet

Weird fact hit me recently. I had no realistic plans for my 30’s other than “marry” and “have babies” because that’s what I want most. But holidays? With husband.Body goals? Get thin for husband. The truth is that I didn’t plan these years because something in me said I would not live this long. When things were bad with regards to my mental health, I thought I was going to die. On multiple occasions. When I first suffered from crippling loneliness and depression in A levels. When my ex-husband started cheating. As a result I am in uncharted territory. I have no idea what to do, how to do it because I’m meant to be six feet under. I know adulting is something no one really figures out, but my confusion is acute. Too many times putting one foot in front of the other was more strength than I actually had. So I have no idea how I did it. There is no pearls of wisdom I can pass on. Because I’d disassociated from myself when I did it. It’s only when I had come out of the other side did my brain wake up and say “ it’s okay to come out” I’m coming out of one of those moments. I realised it in the most innocuous way. I was at work, having some banter and I said something funny, I laughed and threw someone a cheeky smile. My mind tried to repress my momentary joy. “No you are too old,” then logic came “you are 31 and not dead yet, so you get to be cheeky” 31 is so far the youngest I have ever felt. I’m strong and as the James Arthur song states “I forget that I’m older” I am also “as beautiful as ever” even more so than the mess of my 20’s when I was stressed and it showed on my face. Now it doesn’t. But it doesn’t matter. Energy and vitality that I have now have confused a brain which was fully prepared to die at 18. At 28. At 30. Long May I remain confused.

Grace and Courage

Annetta Mother Smith.