My body is tired
Everything is a struggle. My house is in constant, desperate need of… a bulldozer. I count 4 issues. Ranging from £60-£1,000. My body is tired because my job is demanding mentally but also the commute is physically demanding. And yet life goes on… things keep happening. I still have dad’s headstone to pay for. Still have exams to do this year. Still have driving lessons. My train schedule is horrendous. I feel like it’s actively working against me. I pay £500 to have trains that run once an hour getting home… I am not joking. Sometimes it’s good to list (but not dwell) on the things that are “going on with you” because we all have them. Yet we all show up for work,Friends and family as if we don’t have a hole in the roof a non working boiler and a massive crack in our kitchen worktop. We still don’t let the things that would break another person break us. We simply say we’re tired. Which is a lie, we’re not tired. Tiredness is something you feel for a day, illness is something you feel chronically. What my body is actually telling me is that it is undernourished,overwhelmed and overworked. The last 2 weekends I have done nothing but sleep and try and improve myself. As I yawn on this 6:30am train trip to Manchester (left my house 5:24am,) I realise I have what dad would call (Kwasi oco) or “ two white ladies” the sores you get around your mouth when you are run down i.e. malnutrition. Which is proof of my point without even knowing it.
As a result, everything feels like a struggle. I’m trying to eat better. Trying to regulate and pace myself. My mum said I have “anger issues” stemming from the my time with my ex, where I was treated poorly, which as I said earlier I believe to be true. Humans are not beings of infinite grace. There’s limits. I have less patience than before because more is expected of me. I have also been an adult long enough to understand society and it’s expectations. It’s hard to give someone a pass for being late for a social event when you are travelling the furthest, doing the most and still showing up with a full face of makeup, heels, a smile and a thoughtful gift. I do give understanding though because I too do wild things to get my 5 extra minutes in bed.
What I need to do is not let the stress of my life be the source of stress in others lives. Like I said previously, the easiest way to catch a beating in the 90’s was to cough wrong when your mum/aunts had a bad day. I work hard (the hardest in my life) to ensure that I give grace to people and not lash out because my life is hard. But that is draining… so I need to give grace to myself too. Because my body really is tired.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith