Shoulder to shoulder
A friend touched my shoulder yesterday as part of a joke. This should not be an innocuous contact as it was innocent and consensual. Yet my first reaction was of terror. Of “Oh God what is going to happen to me?” For context the shoulder tap was in the course of a joke, we were in a public place and his wife was across the table. Absolutely nothing bad was going to happen to me. My logical brain quickly followed up with. “It’s Connor, you are fine” yet it made me think. Jesus, how damaged am I? This isn’t the first time it’s happened. On August 31st a new colleague touched my shoulder and my logical brain took longer to realise that contact between a man and a woman can be non violent. He’s since touched my shoulder twice. To give context, he’s a married man, it’s his way of getting my attention in order to say hello because I concentrate rather intensely at work so don’t often notice people coming my way. I know in my head this is non threatening, yet I am scared. I try and think why. Unfortunately, this is where my ex husband rears his spectre again. I perceived threat with every contact with him. I would recoil. I would tense up in order to protect myself from the oncoming sexual assault/rape. Yet almost 3 years after I left him (married) men still can’t say hi or jokingly touch my shoulder in the presence of their wife without me feeling deep fear of his ability to attack me. The joke is if Connor was to attack me it wouldn’t e sexual. His wife is currently a vision in blue and brown locks and whatever the colour of her hair, she stuns. She has presence. And he adores her. So I know I am safe from physical and sexual attack. What I find most terrifying is the fact that my ex husband’s regular assaults have such a lasting impact on me. As I have said previously I dislike identifying as a victim of sexual violence. I have always liked to think of myself as a winner. Yet here I am. Scared to have joking contact because I have been so damaged. I have had a lot of flashbacks recently of the bad times and I really hope that it is my body just letting go of the pressure. Releasing demons, if you will. Because my future husband deserves a wife he can joke with without triggering a “fight flight or freeze response” (on each occasion my response has been freeze.) What kind of life is that? Where someone irreparably damaged your spouse before you even got on the scene? I pray life gets better, that my brain gets better at normalising men behaving in a non threatening manner towards me.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith