A year of Grace and Courage
I should have named this blog “the husband diaries” because at least I would get what I wanted. Instead I named it grace and courage. And my goodness… I have lived it. It has forced me to introspect, it has been funny, I have been grateful, I have been triggered. I have been down… I have yet to be up… because even when I was in love I was scared. Now I am in a weird place of loving a memory. It’s not pining, it’s being in love in my own head. I have no reference point to say that it’s grounded in reality and that the wheels of my mind have not irretrievably fallen off… Now, I’m back to the emptiness that clouded my heart prior to love. And I am going kicking and screaming. The dream of him is better than the reality of life and so I stay dreaming. It’s my safe space.
Like I have previously said… he has taught me love is possible for me, he will live forever in my memory, eternal, smiling, content. I’m grateful for that at least. Before I thought I would settle for someone merely less creepy than my ex. Rather than what I actually love. I thought I would be the kind of woman who would settle for anything rather than actually being riotously happy.
So then there’s the grace element of grace and courage. I’m more understanding than a year ago but less tolerant. I have a love for humanity and my heart has grown bigger and I really do start to think thoroughly through the consequences of everyday occurrences. This is shown in “compliments of the season,” “Osweic,” and my favourite… “Hydrocarbons.” I have been so proud of myself. I have also found my own voice, as characterised by “BeaBAD” “What happens when giants die? “Goodnight sweetheart”
It’s been a beautiful experience, nurturing you. It also provides a point in time reference to what I have been thinking at a time. When I was happy, it meant something to write. And so when I am not happy it means I can go back and read the happy times, same with sadness but with the joy of hindsight. You matter, mostly I write to myself, for myself. It means that I am my own best friend. I embody grace and courage and all the frailties that go with it. I am fallible. I have my “victim mode” days when the world is cruel, but what I am gaining is a sense of clarity on what I want and what I don’t want. Which is beautiful.
Then there’s been the “grace and courage” shoot. A highlight and it will be repeated annually…. I have so much to be grateful for.
Then there is business… so much business… may God allow me to rest one day…
In summary. I am not the person I was a year ago. I’m bolder, I unapologetically take up space. I am not tougher, but I now own my toughness. I love and cherish myself and I am in love with a good man. So my life is unquestionably better. I just need to appreciate it.
May God continue to give me grace and courage…
Annetta Mother-Smith.