The Grace and Courage Weekend- Part 2

I wanted to do this weekend as a subtle nod to my father, who didn’t live to see it.

I have created little booklet which I’m giving to each of the participants (including me) which is about what I admire about them, my life so far and what I hope for the future. The reason for this is because you shouldn’t wait until you are dead to talk about yourself, and if you can’t be vulnerable with your friends who can you be vulnerable with? There are moments in life you can’t let pass and I believe this is one of those moments. I believe God has been extremely generous to me in teaching me this lesson. It started in 2009 when my aunt Theresa passed away. Then in 2016 when my aunt Claudia passed away and I’d planned on honoring her at my wedding but my ex screwed up. Then my dad’s cancers 1 and unfortunately 2. I think its to talk about not just me, but them too, and to tell people you appreciate them being in your life. It makes the event more personal.

Next, we move onto the activities. The theme of the day was Veni, Vidi, Vici, I came, I saw, I conquered.

We met at Waterloo and did introductions. We met opposite the Windrush statue.

then there’s afternoon tea at the Oscar Wilde lounge. Why? Because I took my dad to afternoon tea for the first and only time (in which I was in attendance) for Griffins day out. That was February 2020. And it was a wonderful memory. So the “I came” element of the day was “I came to high tea in London”

then there was the “I saw” element of the day. Very classic Annetta, the “I saw” element was “the Lion King” at the Lyceum. Also part of Griffin’s day out, but also my favourite show in the world. I watched Lion King so many times as a child I genuinely feel sorry for my parents. I’m surprised I didn’t break the video. (Which was a real thing back in the 90’s)

Finally there was the “I conquered” element of the day. I wanted to do something fun. Go Karting was off the table because it was FAR (but I have other birthdays, there is Christmas and then “Because God allowed you to see today” days.) but I wanted to do something adventurous. So I booked the London eye. Which was great because we had a chance to debrief the show. Also, my dad took me when I was a kid, he got the tickets via MENCAP which he volunteered with at the time. So took me. It was wonderful. I loved it. I remember getting starstruck by the Mayor of Lambeth, (not the mayor of London, the mayor of Lambeth) and asking for an autograph. They obliged. It was my first autograph. I probably still have it. The date was the 3rd of February, which is my parent’s wedding anniversary, but my mum couldn’t get time off work, so I got to go instead. Precious memories.

Then we have the photoshoot. Which I had a lot of fun with.

I chose props! I had a sword (I read a lot of fantasy) Mjolnir (I love myths and legends) and I dressed in Africana print and vintage dresses. I will demonstrate the meaning of each one.

1.      White vintage dress- as a baby I wore a lot of white, there are a lot of shots with me wearing pretty white dresses. I was an adorable baby, I miss that innocence.

2.      Orange vintage dress- my 7th birthday we went to the British museum, and then Mcdonald’s my adopted sister (she’s not actually legally adopted my mum just took her in) and her daughter, my best friend, and another friend came, as well as my cousin Sam. It was the best. Children these days will never know the joy of having a McDonalds party. I feel we’ve robbed them with opulence. I would like to do that for my kids, give them simple pleasures. Not buy into materialism. My mum made the dress and I looked great, as always.

3.      My ex’s 21st birthday dress. I was 19 and this was the nicest thing I’d worn in my teens. I was meeting my ex’s family for the first time. I was a shy retiring 19 year old with nothing going for me. But I thought the world of their son/nephew and my in laws to the very end have been nothing but wonderful to me.

4.      Africana 1. Pink. Worn to Ashley and Emma’s wedding. It was 2016 so I was 24 and I wore a pink Africana to my ex’s cousins wedding. It was stunning. I was stunning. My mum made it, which was a lot for me to trust after the disaster of my second wedding dress. I was so so scared, she also made the ex a matching tie. Everyone loved it. But I was pretty and special for the day. The best dressed person other than the bride. I had no real makeup but I looked stunning, from within. Happy memories. Better still? I’m divorced and the couple whose wedding I attended are still happily married (if Facebook is anything to go by) and have a young son.

5.      Black vintage- “revenge” dress- black “Sandra dee” pencil dress which was my “revenge” dress post divorce (would have looked a lot better if I wasn’t exhausted to the bone in 2021.) This time I wore it properly, hair done, jewellery on point, makeup done. I looked bomb. I’d also bought shapewear so I looked better in the boning, I’ve lost a lot of weight recently. (not intentional)Also this dress was worn before I bought good make up or skincare, so the fact that I looked anything at all is testament to my strong genes (thanks mum and dad!) and resilience of my body. But in other pictures I looked like I was ready to collapse.

6.      Blue vintage dress- York. York has held a special place in my heart so when my friend took me for my 30th I was touched. It was so me. It was perfect in every way. We went to York Cathedral and then afternoon tea, where I first started showing signs and steps of levelling up in this world. The contrast between me then and me 5 months prior at my divorce party were striking. Better skin, better hair vintage dresses. The divorce party and the divorce were a real wake up call to say I was, not exaggerating, dying. I had worked myself past the bone and it was emotional labour, not just physical. Work was horrible and toxic working 20-16 hour days. By York I’d gotten rid of that job and was finally relaxing. Then my ex was a horror show, as was my father’s passing, by York it was my first time I’d allowed myself to enjoy myself truly in months.  And I have some pretty pictures of me in that dress, so I have added it back for a second time.

7.      Red Africana- top and skirt- 30th birthday. I had a wonderful party the day before and it will be my favourite outfit for a long time, if not the rest of my life. I’ve lost some weight recently due to stress and so between buying it and wearing it, it was a bit big which showed in some of the pictures, so the day of the shoot I took a needle and thread and took it in a couple of inches, which did the trick, it was miraculous. Loved it. So I wore it with pride, knowing I love it so, so, so very much. Its my “Beyonce’s My Power” dress. Its very “Black beauty” as in I’m black and beautiful, not the horse. It couldn’t be more suited to my skin tone, it couldn’t be more beautiful, or striking, which I realise is now part of my beauty aesthetic, I’m not pretty. I’m striking. Which is a different thing altogether. If I try to be pretty, that is me playing small. I can’t be “pretty” because I’m not. I’m stunningly beautiful. Pretty, is a little girl in a pink dress, stunning is Lupita with her dark skin and beautiful features. Both are wonderful to look at, but I’m the latter not the former. So many women ruin the best years of their life (including me) playing too small and trying to be pretty. Pretty is when you are small, but as you become a woman, you grow and can’t infantalise yourself. And any man after a woman who is an infant has some peadophile inappropriate vibes going on and you need to run very very far away. Because that will manifest itself in the worst ways.

8.      The future dress- Africana, orange.- Again, there for my skin tone, its authentic, African print in European-esque styles. Very me. Very striking, beautiful and definitely not playing small. I had to own this dress or it would own me. Very easily. I hope I did it justice. I love it. It is gorgeous and original. I’m grateful I was able to have it.

Its worth noting I bought Yellow roses for the occasion. Kew Gardens where I did the shoot has a policy of no flowers in the gardens, which now I think about it, I understand.  But Yellow roses are my father’s favourite and I wanted to show that.

The preparation was well thought out and I loved every moment of planning something for myself. Also wanted to see my friend’s reactions to things. I’m glad I will be able to hold these memories in my heart.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.