The Good Samaritan

Recently my mental health can be described as needing “mental ICU” and therefore I have needed to talk to Samaritans…Regularly. In fact more regularly than when my ex husband was cheating on me and I was suicidal. I have called Samaritans more in the last 2 weeks than I did that entire episode. Sad.

But even in the darkest of moments, there will be moments of joy. Moments of peace and happiness. I’m currently in my small village café, with a cup of tea and a brownie, trying to capture my sense of self.

One of my conversations with Samaritans I told them that everything I actually want (to be a wife and mum) are so far out of reach and everything is getting on top of me. So I would do a pros and cons of living. By the way this is from a woman that believes that 100% of your life is entirely your fault by 25.

I’m not saying my father’s death was my fault, I’m saying how I chose to handle it was my fault. I chose to be the bigger person. Instead of sitting “In my petty.” In hindsight, I regret that. I should have been a pettier bitch. I handled other people’s issues/tantrums and stupidity. I don’t condone or encourage starting a war because someone threw a punch at you. In life, you don’t get points for being a good soldier.

So be a bad one. Live your feelings. Let me be clear. If someone goes “low” DO NOT GO TO HELL because well, its hell out there. But you are also not responsible for keeping the peace for 7.6billion people. If some people want to fight. You need to let them get it out of their systems. If you are constantly being asked to “rise above your circumstances” you need new circumstances. Not everything in your life is meant to be permanent. So don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary people.

I said in my manifesting post that you get in life exactly what you want. And previously I was the child who wanted to occupy the moral high ground. My eldest brother is a drug addict and a fraudster, why did I need to become a financial controller to counterbalance that? The true this that my “good” did not balance his “Bad” and me “playing small” did not make anyone else more comfortable. It just makes me small.

So a little advice to myself, from myself. I need to not “play the good Samaritan” I need to either decide to “Be the good Samaritan” or be a Pharisee and totally own it. Either way, this girl needs to get off the fence and pick a side. The indecision is killing me.

Grace and Courage

Annetta Mother Smith.