Rock bottom is a place everyone needs to hit

I say it again. Rock bottom is a place everyone needs to hit.

I speak from experience. This is a topic close to my heart.

As you know, I’m the 3rd of 3 children. I have 2 older brother who have struggled with addiction most of their adult lives. That’s not even the sad part.

The sad part was it was totally avoidable. My dad felt bad for not being physically present and so showered them with money and gave them the kind of safety net I have never been afforded.

As a result they normalised their addictions and couldn’t see their own disfunction. So let me tell you the story of how I purchased part of a property in the USA.

The year was 2016, my dad was recovering from laryngeal cancer. This was in the 6 months immediately after his operation. He was undergoing radiotherapy and was told to take it easy. My elder brother (thankfully now a stable human being) started bugging out in a way you have never seen. Drank heavily quit his jobs to keep up the drinking and then refused to pay rent, so his landlord started trying to evict him. This brother is the non-communicative brother so my dad was terrified that if he didn’t have a home, my dad would never hear from him again and that his son would die in the streets and he’d never be informed. There was absolutely no point in paying his rent for him, my parents tried that, he drank the money. So my parents took desperate, decisive action… They bought him a house. In a hurry.

The landlord had given a date for the eviction, and my parents were trying to get the sale completed by that date so that this brother wouldn’t end up homeless. They were cash buyers and so had been offered a discount. Then that discount was rescinded halfway through the sale. It was a devastating blow, my dad was frantic. I’d taken him to Rome not even 2 weeks before and he’d had the time of his life and he hit reality with a thundering crash. Horrendous. So I stepped in. I now realise I shouldn’t even though I could afford it. For me it was an investment however I was also feeding co-dependency and a deeply unhealthy desire to stop my parents from suffering the consequences of their own actions. They too needed to hit rock bottom in this situation. Otherwise they would never (and eventually my dad did never) learn that he couldn’t save his adult sons from their own stupidity. Throwing more money at the problem was not the answer.

As a result of not allowing my elder brother to hit rock bottom we prolonged the dramas by 3 more years. 3 very painful years for all involved. Some deeply hurtful memories like not going picking dad up from the airport when my parents flew in for an intervention. Being too drunk to celebrate dad’s 70th birthday even though dad was in the States because I’d paid for him to go on a cruise. Words were said. Actions were taken. My dad is now dead and none of them can be walked back no matter how much regret is felt. The truth is that unless it’s a natural disaster or a war (like Ukraine) charity isn’t helping people. Helping people is helping people. Short term crisis management is something to be applauded, like food banks when you are going through some tough times due to the cost of living crisis. But the truth is that structural change needs to happen only from within. When you hit rock bottom you know what you don’t want in your life. As well as what you do. You start working towards it. That brother is now a functioning human being. What made him change? He wanted to get married.

Another controversial opinion I hold is that I don’t believe in state in work-benefits. It is an indirect business subsidy for paying low wages. Trust me. All the major retailers, including Amazon have done the maths. They know governments won’t allow people to starve on masse and governments love to say that unemployment is low, so they provide jobs at lower than the market wage for the skills and then get the government to make up the difference. The reason I don’t believe in state in work benefits is it masks a situation we really need to have a conversation about. If Baristas and cleaners and shop workers were paid by their employers what it takes to live decently in the UK (about £30,000) we’d have massive inflation, we’d all have to consume less. But the truth is, with global warming, we all need to consume less but that doesn’t serve the capitalist system so we ignore it by sticking a plaster of in work benefits so these people don’t starve but they don’t have a good life that as human beings we all deserve. It keeps them poor but not poor enough to riot, that is the balance. But cruelly we are talking about real people and real lives that we are playing chicken with. If we removed the band aid and told employees to take the difference up with their employers I guarantee you that the UK government would have less debt and we’d all (globally)consume more sustainably. You don’t need half the stuff you own. You wanted it. But how badly did you even want it? Probably not badly, not 3 day rule kind of badly or hearts desire kind of badly. We are too used to instant gratification and the truth is that isn’t sustainable, but for as long as we keep fooling ourselves that it is, we will never hit rock bottom.

And rock bottom is a place everyone needs to go to.

Grace and courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.