Moljnir’s soul

Or in other words I feel stormy. My soul is stormy.

Not grey. Stormy. There’s a lot of activity here. It’s deciding if it wants to breakout into sunshine and rainbows, or fuck you up. There’s a turbulence that comes from deep thinking.

I remember once being in a meeting and Joe asked me if I was a weather what would I be? I said “stormy”

Thor is a mythical God that I love. The definition of old fashioned masculinity. Strong…and stupid… brave…solo fighter… but no tactician so no one wants him leading the army. The Vikings prayed to Odin for wisdom in battle. Thor was for brute strength. And it is brute strength that I have been reliant on recently. Odin’s 2 birds have blessed me. “Thought” and “sight” I wish there was a third bird “discernment” not necessarily thought, more like tactics. Analysis. Then I’d call on Odin all the time (Just kidding, Jesus died for my sins) but as it stands my mind is as vast as Yggdrasill, and for the first time... It is understood that it is vast and it has enough experience for it to call on its own resources and not necessarily ask others for theirs. My mind knows what it values, has critical sources, and for the first time, understands “base data”

“Base data” is the term I am using for sources. I am an analyst at heart and it is the best job in the world…. For what it teaches you. Analysis can only begin when you trust the source data, have established it as not filled with filler junk, prejudices or inaccuracies.

The best time I spent in Sainsburys was doing a piece of stock analysis. Basically the stock figures would vary wildly. So I had to effectively map out a journey of a product, from store, (stores are vast and complex machines of themselves which require 100% accuracy throughout or else everything goes to hell.) then once it leaves stores it’s on its way to a warehouse in which again, 110 things can go wrong before it ends up in the stock figure. Depending where something went wrong, meant it was picked up differently and needed to be treated differently when the figures were calculated. The analysis that ensured and the depth of thought and reasoning that came from it was a marvel. I was and am so proud of myself.

That particular piece of work was done in 2015. Few people will remember me doing it. It was so significant that my bosses boss took credit for it and it led to 40 people getting their bonuses. One of those people was not me…. I got a separate bonus for actually doing it. But I digress. Why am I discussing an 8 year old achievement?

Because it resonated with my soul. Moljnir’s soul. My soul is pure. My soul requires purity of sources. I don’t listen to people. And that is not always a bad thing. I must read, research and learn for myself.

Slavery? Must read, research and understand for myself. Go and visit slave history sites and understand who, what, where and when. From pre-slavery history to 1991.

Travel? I must speak the language of the culture that I am going to. It is a must. Hence why I plan to learn major world languages. Life is long, love is deep. I love learning about other people. I will learn, I am in a hurry. I must live before I die.

History, read, read, and then proceed to read again. British history, European history, American History, the Chinese and Japanese dynasties.

Global politics? Take from every possible side. The truth is always somewhere in the middle. Its the still small voice of calm in the midst of the banging.

Tax? I don’t trust anyone better than my own mind. Hence becoming a tax accountant l now realise I need to do it slower. But I need to do it.

I’m a lifelong learner. I have realised. Life is long. Life is short. Why not pack it filled with as much knowledge as possible? Life long ago taught me to trust books more than people and my own eyes and understanding more than anyone’s opinion. Because you get the depth of their knowledge, research and most people do precisely no research whilst passing their “0” puddle deep knowledge as “critique”

Fireside commentary has its place, but its place is by the fire… and we don’t have those anymore.

Molijnir was forged by dwarves if my knowledge holds up. Dwarves were fiendishly clever. They put all sorts of enchantments on it. And so it makes a fitting parallel to my soul.

My mind is enchanted. My mind is enchanting. But my soul is stormy. My soul is as heavy as Molinjir. Can only be lifted by those who are worthy. Maybe that’s why its so stormy. lack of worthy candidates.

I don’t believe for a second that you get slower as you get older. You get wiser, you are able to stop and think strategically. Based on experience. But they don’t want you wise, they want you unquestioning, so they devalue wisdom and promote soundbites. The loudest cauldron is always the emptiest. I value deep experiences. conversations watching the heavens, from people I disagree with but respect. Disagreements with such courage of conviction that it would rock Yggdrasill and all 9 realms. Not raised voices, but with… Courage,

“courage man, the hurt cannot be great.”

The intellectually curious. those mental conquerors, every day winning a war against their own ignorance. Odin be with you my friend. Thor give you strength. Go forth and be worthy. She walks into battle, hearing the crunch of the earth underneath her feet, the birds, calling to one another before battle, weapons in her hand… hearing her heart beat and the inescapable sound of her breathing, heaving, as she is in full command of her five senses, but not in command of her racing heart or her need for oxygen and as she realises with utter mental clarity. There is a no race in life…there is a war. She was preparing for competition, not violence. And day after day, she will violently assult her own ignorance. Beat it into dust…today and everyday… and then like Amun Ra, battling Osiris every night in the underworld… she will then rise again…in the morning… in her firery chariot, resplendent, ablaze with the glory that self assuredness gives you. (Apologies for mixing ancient Gods) Others can run and run and try and outrun the enemy…but they are their own enemy. They cannot outrun their own thoughts…nor can they outrun death. They can look impressive, but they are weighed down by the weight of their own fame, ignorance, and ignobility.

This stormy soul will continue to rage. Her furies are for herself, and for the days she wasted her time being small, trying to fit in with her intellectual inferiors. I can’t believe I spent time with people dumber than me who said so much crap and because I was so young I took soundbites for wisdom. Don’t get me wrong, if an idiot tells you to exercise daily, eat fresh fruit and veg, avoid stress and processed foods, no matter how stupid you may think that person is….Take that advice. But I may have as little as 3500 weeks left and I better get my ass together. Because I want to educate myself. Remember a life of walks with Peter, the local wanderer. lessons in Japanese and Arabic, watching her view of the world expand like the horizon beneath her feet. LSE lectures. Books read, debates had experiences… the feeling of her strong legs underneath her as she processed all this knowledge, muttering her German sentences as she goes, safe in the knowledge that one day she’ll be fluent. Her romantic life, to go to plan a German adventure for 3 months or one month, whatever her heart tells her. Her lack of formal education at the highest levels will be more than made up for in the life of study, learning, acquiring knowledge for its own sake. So when she departs she will be spoken of in terms of hearts touched, knowledge imparted, heart soaring moments shared when she felt truly alive. Her life is made from love. And love is an eternal flame, not like the white hot heat of rage and vengence, which crushes and destroys with little thought to comes next. This fire of her life is there to nuture, to forge new ways of thinking, to temper steel and tempers. She was born from the flames and created from ashes, spells of love, peace, justice have been hammered into her from inception and she has a powerful magic about her. Her actual love of others will always win through. She may not have always given her love to the deserving. But it will get better, she’s getting better at discerning, she’s training up a third bird for Odin. Discernment is going to be an amazing skill. She’s learnt a very hard lesson recently. She will not give that power away again.

Courage man, take that hammer forged in the storm of your soul…. and crush them all.

All your enemies. Comparison, derision, pride, envy, avarice, scorn. All must die.

May Odin bless this Molinjir’s soul with victory.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.