Loss…

I write to myself cognisant of all that I have lost.

I have been kind of dead inside for a while, but when I look back at the person I was even 2 years ago I can’t recognise her. She had so much more hope for herself, so much more love in her heart and she was down but not out. I’m not sure if I am out or not.

I’ve long passed the “don’t know how much more I can take” element, of life. My actual plan for the next 2 years of my life is to get back what I lost in terms of personhood.

I remember being playful, I remember being in love and being so wildly happy that actually I can’t imagine the heights of happiness I felt 2 years ago. I also remember the crushing loss that it provided me and how it blacked out an entire year of my life. I don’t miss that but I miss believing I deserve to be happy as opposed to “struggle less”

All I can think of is how much I have lost. And how much effort it will take to get back again. My aim is to be back to myself by 40, living up to my potential, no more cognitive decline, in fact I want cognitive expansion beyond my wildest dreams.

May God help me, because its truly a sad state of affairs.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.