John-filled day
For a long tome I have been filled with sadness, filled with rage. But today was a wonderful day. Not really in the conventional sense. Worked from home today and something in my body broke because I was tired the whole day, napped instead of a lunch break and immediately after finishing work I went back to bed. Absolutely exhausted and can’t tell you why.
However my day has been wonderful. Why? It was filled with the thoughts of my 2nd husband. My forever man. I dreamt of him. I call him John.
It was an odd dream. I dreamt of leaving a hospital with my husband and my son… yes my son. Who was born 7 weeks early, and we were leaving neonatal to go home. so yes, my first child is a boy. I was cooing over my “beloved” which in this case meant my boy, whilst cussing out my “beloved husband” for giving me a boy when I am running a girls charity. Really my G, how hard is it to give me a daughter? I was cussing him out in jest, I adore my son. Swaddled, healthy and the image of his father. So, the Smith Genes for now, look doomed. Better luck next time, Anna.
But don’t worry, as my husband gave me a son, he’ll have to give me another boy, and then the daughters I originally asked him for. I have a thing were I will not have only one son. I know I’m not better than anyone else, so I would fall into the trap of spoiling them. Anyway, we get home and we’re both cooing over our beloved boy. And I realised, one of the reasons I love my husband is because I have the rock certainty that my children will be raised well. They will be cared for. Not just in the crap way others care. But in the deep way that I care. I know they too will have a father who will polish their shoes at night every night. They too will be able to set their watches by the strength and dependability of their father’s love. I didn’t realise that meant absolutely everything to me. I would sacrifice a lot to get that level of care and comfort… not just for myself but for my kids too. I have always had a scarcity mindset, which is if I get what I want in a husband, will there be enough “good man” for my kids to get what they deserve in a father? This totally obliterated that assumption. Men giving care towards their children and wife. That’s what a man is there for. And for me love is deep. Love is oceans, floods and rivers. Love is not subsistence farming. Which is what modern relationships feel like. Just enough that you won’t die. But not enough to live on. I guess I’m not looking for love. The word is devotion, which is love, loyalty and enthusiasm. I need enthusiastic love, not just dutiful love. I demand care, and loyalty. I require laughter, peace and joyful exuberance.
I love grand gestures of love. to misquote 1 Corinthians chapter 13 vs 4-7
Love is cheeky, love is laughter, love goes deep in connection. Love is the sureity, that life will be good with this person. Doesn’t matter that you don’t know the road, the person you are walking it with is enough. Love is the ability to argue without anger, remember why you are there and that be enough to satiate you, bear each other’s burdens. Not that they aren’t heavy, but you know that it will be reciprocated without even having to expect it. Love is the willingness to go beyond. It is the willingness to go through the day to day with a person because you see the greatness of their soul. Love is the smile that is reserved for you only. Love is growing a person, giving them room to grow, not being afraid if you will love the person they will become. Love is action, love is roots deeper than the centre of the earth. Love is innocence, love is wonder, the ability to see the whole, complex, messed up person and hold their brokeness in your hands, knowing exactly what to do with it… even when you don’t. Love is the first person you call with both good and bad news… Love makes you want to celebrate the fact that you know the person, that’s what anniversaries are. A celebration of the day they entered your life. Love is the person you’d give a million to, but also the last penny you owned. Love means everything else doesn’t matter, except their presence. Love is loyalty you can take to the bank, love is trust, love is peace. Love is not having to be right. Not feeling the need to subjugate, or conquer. Lovers are equals after all. Love is juxtaposition, love is harmony, love is care. Love is fierce, love is fire and ice. Love is the constant learning both of each other and the discovering the world. Love is peace, love is eternal, love is not conquered by death.
And so, to quote the original…
Therefore these three remain “faith, hope and love. and the greatest of these is love”
And if you want to know the end of the dream, my beloved husband and I, our darling boy and his eventual siblings, lived joyfully, peacefully, prosperously ever after.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother Smith