I’m in a lot of pain right now.

I have always championed the notion that your life is completely of your own making when you turn 25. If you don’t like it then it is your own responsibility to change it. Don’t make excuses, just deal with it.

So, that being said and accepted, I must confess… I’m in a lot of pain right now. Nothing is where it should be, and I have slipped so far behind where I wanted to be I cannot believe.

2 months ago I met my bully. At first I lost a few days of revision to having swollen hands and eye problems, then I met this guy, my mental health regressed so badly that I wasn’t even able to check myself for a long time and changing my mental state has been even harder. I’ve done loads to help myself but the help isn’t helping and I need help. I have body goals, which I set months ago, and I have not met them, the mental health issues have been such that I am in physical pain from anxiety and stress. My head hurts, I’m unable to relax or concentrate, and I am living in a constant state of terror. All that I have created.

How have I created it? Easy, something in me is broken and that something believes that I can’t or don’t deserve nice things, to be treated nicely and to live an easy life. As a result I am easy pickings for bullies. I have been bullied more times than I’d like to consider.

As a result, almost nothing is going my way. I had to give my passport to the US government (long story.) had to cancel a holiday as a result, nearly killed myself trying to help someone (metaphorically) and I’m running a 10k at the end of the month. I can barely walk, I also was meant to have passed my driving test when I booked it. My driving test have been changed for 2 months after the original date. So now I have something I had been looking forward to for years I can’t physically attend because I can’t even get there, then I can’t even really run.

Then there is the car crash of my love life. I have been single since filing for divorce from my abusive ex husband in December 2019 (split November 2019, long story) and the sensory deprivation is beginning to mess with me. I have touched another person about 4-5 times per month max. In a 4 week month I hope to see my mum every week. I will hold her hand and hug her. But I will also get my nails done and the nail artist touches my hand too. Therefore everything I am doing is from a place of pain. And the pain is real. Basically I haven’t left lockdown 1 and the crazy is getting real. Loneliness can mess with you, and all attempts to go out there and socialise have been thwarted by the realities of how much money I am paying hand over foot for driving lessons.

I’m broken at the moment. I’m trying to fix myself. I love myself way better than I used to. But I know right now I’m operating from a place of pain. Therefore the only way I get to myself and all I need to be is to get out of pain. But right now, I’m in a lot of pain.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.