I wish…

Today I did something somewhat kind. I did for others that which I wished had been done for me.

A cousin of mine is trying to get to the UK and I made some calls. I called the following people.

1. A doctor’s Locum agency

2. The GMC (General Medical Council)

3. NHS England

4. Health Careers.

Plus scrolling for a couple of private hospitals for Dr jobs.

And going on the BMA website.

All this was at lunch.

I was passed from 1-2-3-4. At 4 I spoke to an incredibly helpful lady, who sent me to the BMA for “Clinical attachments” at first because she thought that was what I wanted. Then there was the actual foundation programme which I had started looking at on the 2nd of February which had confused the hell out of me and led me to this turn of events.

Turns out if I am right and this is what my cousin needs then she’s missed the deadline by 3 weeks.

I am in a Schrodinger’s cat situation. I do not know that she doesn’t know if she’s missed the deadline.

So she could either have made the deadline or not. I do not know.

I decided to call my mum about this. It showed 2 different life views.

I wanted someone to tell me. My mum said I shouldn’t tell her because then I would be associated with the bad news. (If and only if she actually missed the deadline)

It opened up something quite deep for me.

My career has been really hard. Agonisingly so.

Whilst I am aware I was born into immense privilege. I can also say I have been beaten black and blue when it comes to my career.

And all I wanted in this life was someone to love me and to take care of me. Someone who will look out for me. Its the “Take care” part that I want to talk about.

I have educated myself in an area that isn’t my own, I have sought to proactively offer help because I care. Why? Because no one looked out for me and there were truly dark times in my career and having a helping hand would have meant everything. It would have bought calm where there was such frenetic energy, it was cruel how much energy I had to expend to stand still. Let alone progress.

therefore I wanted someone else to have that. Someone to care for them. Someone to make a road smooth even in the smallest way. Even if its bad news. I want someone to find out information for me and offer me that information.

My mum wants me to “not be associated with bad news” i.e. if I tell my cousin, that she will assume that I don’t want her to come to the UK.

Stupid superstition? Sure, but I realised the thing I want most in this life is for someone to take care of me.

My version of love says I would want to know.

I wish that I’d been taken care of.

I wish I didn’t have to struggle.

I wish someone had taken an interest in my career.

I was working past enemy lines. The enemies were very much within the walls.

Unsupportive parents, who wanted me to earn the money but didn’t realise it came with its own problems.

My ex husband… lets not say anything.

Racists…lets say even less.

I just wanted one thing going for me. I wanted one thing going for someone else.

This was the lesson I learnt.

Courage and Grace.

Annetta Mother Smith.