I will disgrace you
Thank God I did not have children with my ex. You have seen from a number of blog posts that I have had a sneak peak as to what my life would be like if I’d had children with my ex and the divorce had been delayed a few years.
What would have happened was I’d disgrace that dude. I’d disgrace him north to south, east to west. Wanna see an angry black woman? Mess with my kids. After all my hopes, prayers, and dreams that I will give my children the best that I can, anyone that messes with that vision will have a priest ringing a bell after them as they walk naked through the streets singing “shame! Shame! shame!” I really believe we as a society need to start slut-shaming bad parents. They cost us a fortune.
So, as I have previously stated. I went out with a guy, who had 2 kids. 5 years old and 2 years old. He is divorced. The ex-wife lives in the midlands with the 2 kids. He works on HS2 as a contractor and commutes. The scene that I was pissed at was Father’s Day. He didn’t see his kids. Plans had “fallen through” 3 weekends in a row. (I smell BS.) Despite being alive and well, healthy, and able to get a car/boat/bike up to the midlands and see his kids. These kids, who at the end of the day are the only reason he gets to celebrate Father’s Day in the first place. Because he is a father. They want to be like their peers and give their daddy his card and a hug just like I did last year. You never get that time back. I tried to encourage it but hey, I wasn’t even the girlfriend, and with that attitude I’ll never be.
I remember in my post “Father’s matter, what not to do” I spelled out in objective detail how my ex father in law was full of shit when he said he wasn’t able to come to England for his son’s 18th birthday because a terminally ill accountant had absolute control over the England/Wales boarder spanning 160 miles. She also had every police force in the country looking to enforce a non-existent restraining order she hadn’t in fact taken out on her ex-husband. Who she desperately wanted to step up as a father to her 3 young sons. The truth is he could have come to England and seen his son on his birthday, even if it meant standing on the street 10 ft from his sons front door and calling him on the phone to give him his card, present and a hug and then driving back to Wales. Even if he’d driven all that way for a hug, that hug would have meant the world. That would have completely shamed the mother. She’d have had to let him in. but he didn’t do that because he was weak. He could have gone to his son’s party or arranged to meet him afterward. He did none of that because he was weak. He didn’t go and see his 3rd son off to university despite his son’s university being ON HIS WAY TO WORK????? Because he was weak. He wasn’t able to show consistent love, or love of any sort of depth. Love is solely predicated for him on convenience. He wouldn’t be 5 minutes late for work for his 3rd child despite being his only surviving parent on a momentous occasion because there was no one there to shame him into doing the right thing. It is this that is the problem with our world. People think having a baby is exactly that, having a baby. No one is thinking about the emotional needs of another human being 18 years later. People aren’t taking their responsibilities seriously enough and are selfish to the extreme. As a result, we have generation after generation of kids traumatised by their parents selfishness.
My grandfather was an alcoholic and a tyrant, I don’t drink because I didn’t grow up in a household that drinks. Why? Because my mother was so traumatised by having an alcoholic father, she didn’t keep alcohol in her own home. My children won’t grow up seeing their mother touch alcohol because their great-grandfather was a drunk.
My own great grandmother had 3 surviving children with 3 different men. As a result, my grandfather grew up in a single parent household. i.e. with his father. He didn’t know a mother’s love and tenderness, saw his parents get away with having kids without marriage and then went on to do the same. Then raised absolute hell when the daughter he’d had outside of wedlock…had 2 children out of wedlock. Generational trauma. It was drilled into me not to have kids before marriage because you end up messing them up read “the children of war” post.
Take your responsibilities seriously. Someone else’s life, someone else’s memories are not a joke to be played with when you are “In your feelings” you are 37 he is 2 and yet the person that has to be strong and stoic in the face of disappointment is… the 2-year-old?? Are you insane? You are messed up. Quite frankly, weak parents need to be taxed, they are storing up problems for society. We all have to cough up when the children of weak parents need therapy, or medication because they haven’t been adequately taken care of (read physical and emotional neglect) we pay for their lower life expectancy in tears at a graveside that came too early. We watch them suffer in life and make suboptimal decisions coming from a scarcity mindset because that’s all they know. Not all of it can be stemmed. Life happens. Life sucks. My grandfather died when my dad was 3 and that traumatised 3 generations. Yet if we can lessen the suffering or irradicate it completely when it isn’t wholly necessary, then it is our duty to. So parents need to stop running their mouth about how much they love their kids and drive the 1 hour to go see them. You have no money? Your family will lend you £20. Book a train ticket in advance. You are an adult, put it on your credit card. Seeing your kids matter. Money will come and go, but it is the memories we leave behind that are permanent. Nothing says adulthood like intentionality. It separates us from kids and adolescents who do things without thought of the consequences. Then when negative consequences happen, they say “I didn’t mean it” Show up at your ex’s door on Father’s day saying I want to see my kids and say “I intended to be here. It is my sole intention for the day to spend time with my kids” If your ex wife is weak and she makes excuse, remove the excuses from her. Your kids will remember the parent that made the effort rather than the one that made excuses. If a woman bad mouths her ex spouse in front of her kids, that is abuse. Be the parent that protects the kids rather than the one that takes cheap shots to blow off steam but forgets that the kids are collateral damage. For a mother they are the children that you nurtured in your womb for 10 months, then stayed up with in infancy, changed, cuddled and treasured. These are the people that all of a sudden because you stopped loving the other parent you are going to show less care and tenderness to? Weak. Disgracefully weak. Hurts someone like me so badly because I’d be overjoyed if God gave me a husband and healthy happy children of my own. The miracle of creation is not lost on me and as someone who enjoyed present parents. I would not seek to rob my children of their birth right to 2 present loving parents.
What I’m trying to say here is.
Actually, love your children. Love them with unfathomable depth.
Otherwise, I will disgrace you.
Grace and courage.
Annetta Mother Smith