Hanson Love…
This band has been the sound of my adolescence. So many memories, but they are always there. The soundtrack. Waiting in the background… the 3 albums that defined me. Underneath, String Theory and the walk. The Walk has since fallen out of favour with me, I didn’t like Zac Hanson’s songs. But no other album can compare to “Underneath.”
Underneath.
“Ooh, if only you could feel what I dream
Maybe you could hear what I mean
There is nothing gone but there's something missing
Can't you see that I'm stuck here, underneath?
And you're making it hard to breathe
Take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath
'Cause I'm stuck here, underneath
And you're making it hard to breathe
Take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath.”
These were the words of my adolescence. I was… underneath. Underneath the weight of other’s expectations, underneath the chains of the prison I lived in. Underneath the layers of personality that I held. I don’t know if I actually had a cognisant dream back then. All I wanted was not to be…Underneath.
I didn’t dream of happiness. Joy was an alien concept to me, all I wanted was to not be that person. Winchester station on a grey day was the first time I really listened to this song, I had just listened to Fall Out Boy’s “Infinity on High” which is a tiebreak for my favourite album, and I remember listening to this song and reverberating with the predecessor “Strong enough to break” more. But as autumn turned to winter… Underneath was the far more powerful song, and I loved it more. They literally don’t make songs like this anymore, it’s an 80’s rock ballad. Just let it soak into your soul. Just like the grey. Breathe it into your spirit. Just like the grey. “You’ll find me…underneath.”
If you could feel what I dreamt of aged 17 it would make you cry. Hope was such a fledgling concept that I actually didn’t understand the term. What I hoped for was an end to my suffering, but my suffering didn’t end back then, it only transformed. It didn’t get better for over a decade. I couldn’t wish good things for myself back then. I’m not sure I can now. But I know that back then hope was a candle about to go out. There was no good, there was no joy. I was completely invisible. I was simply…underneath.
“Maybe you could hear what I mean.” Despite there being a vast gulf between hearing and listening, I wasn’t even at gate one, hearing. Underneath was the song that I would listen to when I would walk up and down Winchester station convincing myself more than 2 people would care if I died that night. I crawled my way through to the dawn every morning and the guitar and drums represent my steady march back to the living. I can still remember the skull candies in my ears, the orange lights overhead and the long walk in the dark to the end of the platform convincing myself that my life was worth living. I close my eyes and Isaac Hanson is playing the guitar wringing out my soul and its hard to breathe. How apt that I would have been “underneath” a train.
Listening to the guitar play out the notes to my 17 year old soul, my 19 year old soul. My 23 year old soul. The song still has a message for me.
What exactly has changed… “Take a look around and tell me what you see?” Has anyone, cared to look. The song was actually released 20 years ago, but I was circa 17 when I heard it. Its predecessor “Penny and Me” is the crescendo of my heart, but this is the undercurrent… underneath…the old bluesy, dramatic, indescribable heart rendering ache of it all. Very much the sound of a teenage girl. The drumbeats steady, consistent, like teardrops.
Taylor breathing “underneath” was the closest thing I had to a lover at the time and reminded me of Christ on the cross, the last breath of a final sacrifice that will never be understood. He hung his head in the video of my mind, face covered by his hair (these are all actual images from the video Penny and me but I transposed them for this song)
“There is nothing gone, but there’s something...missing… Can’t you see?” is probably the most apt description of me there is.
We move to Penny and me.
For this song its not the lyrics as such, just the guitar at the start which signifies hope to me. It is the song of autumn, the whole song has a vibe of freedom, the last autumn days, crisp. Lively, loving. You have enough energy for some fun, but you come home to the dark nights and stars under an endless sky.
“Close our eyes… pretending to fly”
was as close as I got at 17. I remember being in the bath, aged around 12 when I first heard this song. Top of the Pops had it at number 3.I believe this is the first and only Hanson song I ever heard at the time of its release. I was too young for MMMbop and If only, I was however around 12 when this came out. And it was unique, not about love, or sex or dancing I instantly vibed with it, the “old soul” vibe, it sounded like a good whiskey should taste, aged and ageless. It was the first song I yearned to hear again. I thought I would never hear it again. Parents didn’t listen to modern radio, and they didn’t have Sky to watch music videos. But my memory of the song is as clear as day. The chords are the hope of my heart. The Piano, the bass guitar, the innate knowledge that the singer knew the freedom of which he was singing… I had hope. I thought one day that would be me. I thought there would be a man like that to take me away and show me the freedom for which he sang. I remember the time in my life when I dreamt of breathless excitement. Do I still dream of this? I can honestly say I have no idea. I thought so. I remember loving the person I was when I dreamt of this. Someone who floated. That person is as alien to me as my 17 year old self. I didn’t hear this song again until I bought Hanson’s greatest hits CD at 17 and I almost collapsed with happiness at hearing it again. When I talk of “heart soaring moments” it’s the imagery this song brings me. I remember where I was when I heard it again. In the “blue room” in Hedge end. I can’t tell you how I felt. It was like being re-united with a loved one. I bought the album soon after, eager for more gems. Like fresh fruit in the mouth I craved more sweetness and joy. Unfortunately, the album isn’t a joyful one, but it played directly into my feelings at the time. If it was a joyful album I wouldn’t be able to comprehend it anyway. I listened to no happy music at that time.
Save me.
“Suddenly the sky is falling…
Could it be too late for me
If I never said I'm sorry, then I'm wrong, yes, I'm wrong
Then I hear my spirit calling
Wondering if she's longing for me
And then I know that I can't live without her”
The one time in my life I can say I was in love, the end was like this. The range of emotions… Not just “the sky fell” all the skies fell. The sunny day of our first meeting, the Christmas lights at Regent street outside the Apple store where I saw stars despite light pollution... that’s how much I loved him. The 29th of November when joy transcended my entire body and I was a person I didn’t even know I could be. All 3 skies fell. Each brought over a different type of sadness. Could he save me? Would it be worth it? Did he love me? Each question was a sky that fell. But the answer to the question “Could it be its too late for me?” The answer is yes. I let him go with all the love in my heart and had to decide on cultivating peace. Wondering if he’s longing for me would only bring heartache. So I let him go. This, like Underneath, is another ballad, and I love the story, the man desperately in love with a woman, begging her to stay.
“Wasting time with Taylor Hanson” Correct title “Out of my head”
“Then I saw your face
Suddenly I'm losing faith
Words are few to place
Give up, give out, give in don't be disgraced, yeah
Let's stop wastin' time
Let's stop wastin' time
Say you're mine
Don't tell me I'm out of my head
Playin' with my mind
Don't tell me I'm out of my head
Let's stop wastin' time
Don't tell me I'm out of my head
Playin' with my mind
I feel like I'm losing my head
Don't you tell me I'm out of my head”
The playful nature of this song, the youthful exuberance, the ease with which the feeling is described. “If I’m listening for loneliness… send me on my way…” Classic. I wish I was so brave. I remember the person who used to listen to this, bouncing down the hill in Winchester, thinking a handsome man like Taylor Hanson was going to pluck me from obscurity and be obsessed with me. I still have to listen to this song on Youtube like 20 years haven’t passed because this song is unreleased. This one, “Every word I say”, “Hope it comes soon” “Breaktown” have been the reason I still have to listen to Hanson on Youtube. There is a Hanson era of 2000-2010 which if you didn’t have the money to be a Hanson.net member and buy their unreleased stuff you were at the mercy of those who put stuff on YouTube. And I was at such a mercy…
“Hope it comes soon”
Hanson the benevolent colonisers. Hugging poor “African babies” (where in Africa I don’t know, it’s literally a continent” This was their “activism era” the lead singer still volunteers at food shelters and is well know for it. This song is synonymous with the Obama “Hope” poster for me. It was released around the same time. 2008, it was a set of unreleased song from the album “the Walk” which were actually all way better than the songs in the album. I sang and danced around my bedroom, the amount of days this song beat depression, it did so with a 100% success rate. “Feels like a change was gonna come…” I hope change is gonna come.. “Whatcha gonna do?” I really thought that this song directly applied to my life. Whenever I listened to it (on repeat) I was on the cusp of something magical. “I’m not waiting for you!” was enough to get me off my seat and up and joyful. It may not be the soundtrack to my soul, but it sure as hell was the sound of happier times. A levels were brutal and whatever came after was even worse. But this song was my “walking on sunshine.” “Feeels like change is coming soon…” always sends me into the atmosphere.
“Minute without you”
On another sunny note is “minute without you” as an accountant I can’t help but appreciate the accuracy of “1440 hours in my day” (the amount of minutes in a day) again. I was approx. 16 when I heard this song. I had the opportunity to ask my parents for this CD, it included MMMbop acoustic, Madeline, and Man from Miliwakee, all acoustic and I adore listening to. But I didn’t have the audacity. I didn’t want to upset my parents because I highly doubted they had the money for such a thing and this was a period of my life when I didn’t ask them for so much as a single stitch because they were spending so much money on my two brothers, you can’t have all 3 kids costing you money… It wouldn’t be fair. Did I miss out on an opportunity that I couldn’t get back so I wouldn’t have my parents worry for me? Yes. Will I die by listening to this on Youtube forever? No.
For your love.
Originally danced to with my ex, but is a song that reminds me eternally of my father “For your love I’m fighting” I’d have squared up with Cassius Clay in his prime and won if it meant my dad beat cancer. It now fills me with sadness. But its beautiful. “If you’re lost then I’ll find you, if you ask me, I’ll lay my life down, not for glory, I’m striving, for your love I’m fighting”
“For your love, I’d tear down any wall, for your love I’d turn my back on this world. For your love every treasure I’d deny myself, for your love, for your love…”
Yes, I’d have done anything, beaten anyone, sold myself out if my dad could have beaten pancreatic cancer and live the rest of his days pain free and in peace. But that wasn’t my call. So this song to me is the equivalent of Whitney Huston’s “I will always love you.” Because I will always love my father. And I promise you I would have won that fight.
Sieren Call.
This song was released when I was going through a tough time. Its haunting. I love it eternally. But like I said, it haunts me. I have the “string theory” version. It basically describes an entire decade of my life. “When we rest… we fear” “No straighter path than to struggle”
“Deep down I know that you're troubled
Living underneath the weight, your chains, your strain
No straighter path then to struggle
'Cause when we rest we fear
And it draws them near
You're trying hard not to crumble
No reason left to be brave, to fight, to save
Back broke sifting through the rubble
But when we stop, it starts
To the beat of your aching heart
I hear the sirens call me on
The silent call from far beyond
For those who hear to sing along
Saying woo oow woo oow woo oo oo”
The terrifying accuracy that it describes my daily fight, fight with whom I would like to know… but none the less the fight I fought throughout my adolescence. I was the willing soldier, the one who went to the front lines. Who brought back the victory, but at what cost to herself? Its best to not think of the sacrifices I made back then. The sirens should have either taken me to a mental hospital for the unseen injuries or a physical hospital for the physical damage that those mental injuries did me. How I didn’t die all those years. I actually don’t know. I have to believe that there is hope, love and peace waiting for me on the other end. May God have mercy on me and make it so.
Its sister song, Battle cry, is also song I love and live but use sparingly.
“Every time you fall, face down in the dirt… I never will be far… don’t be afraid.”
I actually believe this song is a Christian song, (the singer is now a deacon) but I can’t think of anyone else who you can describe like this. “Don’t be afraid..." other than Jesus.
“Even in darkness… I will never leave your side..” Got to be God right? There isn’t anyone else in my life who performs that function for me.
But then here is the lines that get me… every time.
“So if you're up against the wall
Staring down the firing squad
They ask you for your final verse
Be brave
Tell them to do their worst”
The amount of times I have had to say “Do your worst” is ungodly. Why am I, the eternal pacifist always in a fight? Or at least in fight or flight mode? But the amount of time I have faced down the firing squad needs to decrease in my later years. One day I may not survive.
MMMbop.
This is the “string theory version.”
The sunny version of the song, fills me with hope and love. this is the song, that God willing I will walk up the aisle to for my forever marriage. It is so uniquely me, so joyful and light. Its not the lyrics that make it light, but the melody, the 1997 version I adore I didn’t listen to it as a child, but I remember being a youth, and purchasing it then being hooked. I loved the 1997 version. The 1995 version was slower, sadder. Which is interesting because they were so much younger. Its better mournful because they are younger. As they are in their 30’s and 40’s now. It sounds better with the levity.
These and many other songs were the soundtrack to my life. It reminds me of the dark days of my life and the vivid imagery that would never leave me.
Because of these dark days I am who I am. Even though I cannot say I am happy for those times, however these times I were unique to me.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother-Smith.