Grandfather’s matter

I have written extensively and passionately about “Father’s matter” I believe it. A father is the head of the family. However everyone needs a boss. A father’s boss needs to be the grandfather. Both his father and his father in law. That is why one of the important green flags I need in a future husband is “does he have a father, are his parents married” why? Because men need father’s they need a responsible role model from whom they can seek wisdom. They also need someone who will put them in their place and their mother will never do that the way the father will.

Obviously, men die. My own father is dead. As a result, my children will not have a grandfather. This saddens me greatly because I didn’t have a grandfather. My dad’s father died when he was 3, 70 years ago. My mum’s father died when I was 5. That hurts more because my Grandad Claudius used to send me birthday cards and Christmas cards until he died. I loved that. It was very special (and very expensive) to send cards from Africa to England, but my grandfather never forgot. When he died, he died around Christmas times so we received his Christmas card and shortly learned he had passed. That shows beyond  doubt he loved me. He’d never met me, I was his 3rd daughter’s only child and it meant something enough for him to send a card. When he passed, I stopped receiving that love and tenderness from my African family. A grandfather shows immense strength in the gentle and tender way he treats his grandchildren.

I am currently in a café and I have witnessed a man and his grandson feeding ducks. He has taken time out of the hectic modern life to be present with his grandson, feed ducks and spend quality time with him. As someone whose childhood involved being “down for the ride” and very little allowances made for my age and maturity, someone taking time to buy £1 duck feed and spend an hour with a four year old is a beautiful thing that never fails to warm my heart. The child held that duck feed with both hands the way that small children do, it showed an innocence that is so rare in this life, and his grandfather made time for that. Another grandfather brought his grandson to look at the swans. (a much younger boy than the first) he lifted his grandson up so he can have a better view of the swans, another beautiful free moment where a grandfather shows a little man the beauty of life, how important it is to be kind to small things and what really matters in life.  His grandfather made space for his grandson to be a child, to learn about taking your time, simple pleasures and gentleness. It is such a precious thing. I chuckled when the child then ran around with his grandfather in tow free, and safe with no idea how precious those things are.  When a man shows another (little) man how to be a man the whole world benefits.

Another special relationship is between a grandfather and his granddaughter. I would often hear stories of my grandfather with my two other female cousins either side of me. My grandfather would buy ginger cake as my younger cousin would visit every day. One day, as a small child (she is 3 months younger than me) she told our grandfather that if he didn’t come to her house she wasn’t coming to visit him anymore. Both people where stubborn people and African culture states that you always go to your elders house, they don’t visit you in yours. My grandfather held out for 3 days… he broke deep traditions to go see his granddaughter because he loved her so much.

Creole Sierra Leoneans have a patriarchal society, and therefore grandfather’s are very important. My maternal grandfather was a giant in his time, and I often believe that the reason that my dad’s side of the family is so messed up is because my grandad died when his children were young. As a result my grandmother (who this blog is named after) did all she could to keep “Body and Soul together” for her 3 children, an enormous challenge in the 50’s. No disrespect to the woman that birthed my father, but that wasn’t a challenge she should have faced alone. Parenthood is for 2 people. As a result, I lacked my grandfather on that side too. (being fair, I was born in 1991 and he was born in 1899. His chances of meeting me were slim)

Essentially what I am saying is that society is missing a trick by not involving grandfathers more. They are fonts of knowledge and wisdom, they make space for gentleness and kindmess, they help mould their grandchildren directly in the time they spend with them as well as indirectly in the way they counsel the parents. They help prevent family breakdown and provide a strong loving frameworks that both fathers, and children can learn from. They help teach granddaugthers what to expect from a man and what loving treatment looks like. They teach grandsons what a man really is.  In tragic cases such as if the father dies, they can provide structure, rigour and a father figure. They are essential when the parents aren’t up to mustard and the children have bothe financial and emotional gaps, grandfathers plug them. They also provide the “icing on top” such as moments feeding ducks. So when a man runs out on his kids, he runs out on his grandchildren too, and the trauma runs into the next generation. I have seen a lot of disfunctional black men, and most of them were my blood relatives, meanwhile if I had loving grandfathers in loving marriages I could have at least had a more balanced view of what a functional traditional Creole marriage looks like and if I wanted to choose that for myself. As I didn’t have that I have worked with that I have (no, I am not blaming my grandfathers for DYING prematurely, for my desire to have a mixed race marriage)

We need them, stripping them back strips away another layer of protection of the family.

That is why.

Grandfather’s matter.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.